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Perry Bible Fellowship


Be a diligent Jihadist:
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I write to you today regarding a matter of great importance to our cause against the Infidel. The case of Jose Padilla, the American terror suspect just last week charged with crimes after being held for two years without indictment, is significant to us, brothers in the fight against the Great Satan, for many reasons. Like all of you I’m sure, I have no idea who this guy is or what he’s supposed to have done on our behalf. Hey, I guess that means I could be the American Attorney General. Seriously, though, I don’t care and you shouldn’t either.

The critical thing is what we’ve all learned over the past few years: whatever the Americans come up with, we can use to our advantage. Terror alerts, Abu Ghraib, the Iraq-al Qaeda connection. Obviously, we all prefer if it’s a fabrication, because it’s easier to distort. More important, it costs us nothing and, say what you will, we’re cheap bastards. But it’s worked, you can’t argue with that.

Abu Nidal—he’s died for us, like, five times in ten years. I love that guy! And if anyone knows the real story about Abu Musab al-Zarqawi—if he’s real, who the hell he is or why that matters—for Allah’s sake, keep it to yourself!

The point is, this Padilla case is useful in many ways. I think I speak for us all when I say I hope they fry him.

However, it’s worth observing for another reason. This Alberto Gonzales claims one piece of evidence they have against Padilla is a “Mujahideen Data Form” he filled out, so he could train over here. I’m not kidding, that’s a quote right from the New York Times:

Among the overt acts that the government says demonstrate [Padilla’s] participation in the conspiracy is his 1996 application for a passport. The other defendants are overheard in the apparent wiretaps saying Mr. Padilla would be getting money, had traveled to Egypt and Afghanistan and had considered visiting Yemen. He also “filled out a ‘mujahideen data form’ in preparation for violent jihad training in Afghanistan,” the indictment charges.

“Mujahideen Data Form.” You have to hand it to the US leaders: sometimes, they’re crazy in a way that’s not so different from us. I know we’re trying to destroy them, but when I hear wacky propaganda like this, I sometimes feel like maybe we’re not so far apart. Don’t get me wrong—I still want them dead. It’s just that, for all their money and power, they’re still just a handful of guys huddled together in a room somewhere, making shit up as they go along, just like us. You’ve got to admire their creativity.

Okay, so I thought it would be a good idea to draw up this “data form,” along with a fake letter, and distribute it in the villages. They’re really going to fly, I think. Imagine it: millions of Americans imagining not just a global terror network, but one big enough to sustain a massive terrorist bureaucracy. Brian Williams will probably do a special on it!

So let’s get these things out there on the double!









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