Name: Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham

Turn-ons: Bribery, Rolls Royce, self-pity, defense contractors, luxury yachts, the aroma of ill-begotten wealth

Turn-offs: FBI investigators, homos, socialists, women, jail time, ironic comeuppance

How I Became THE BEAST PAGE 3 OLD PIECE OF SHIT: I was traveling from my mansion in Santa Fe to Washington when I ran into Robbie Takac of the Goo Goo Dolls. He informed me during the course of our conversation that this publication was in need of an old piece of shit for this section. I said, “Hey, I’m an old piece of shit! I’m the shittiest old piece of shit around!” The next thing I knew I was in Buffalo—after resigning in tears from my congressional position for shameless abuses of power, of course.

Future Aspirations: I hope to spend my remaining millions on some worthy endeavor—perhaps a 4,000-foot tall solid gold statue of me. I also hope to learn to behave like a goddamn adult and not cry like little bitch when facing the obvious consequences of my excessive corruption. Also, I just know I’ll git them Duke boys, once and for all!

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As one really sorry old piece of shit, Bawling like a schoolgirl because I got busted.