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BEAST PAGE 3
Old Piece of Shit
The BEAST answers your letters
decades there were rumors, but they were sensibly rejected
as outlandish warmongering. The Soviets may not have been
America's best friends, they may have said some mean things
about Washington at the UN, but they never considered actual
conflict with the West.
Or so we thought. Thanks to an explosive
presentation made November 25 in Warsaw by Radoslaw Sokorski,
Poland's new defense minister, we now know the Warsaw Pact
was preparing for war the whole time--a war that never came.
Armed with documents from Poland's military archives, Sokorski
has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Soviet Union
actually had detailed plans for responding to a NATO attack.
Military ones. They even had maps of Western Europe and
But wait, it gets worse. In the most shocking
detail of the Polish revelations, some of the Soviet missiles
were to be tipped with nuclear warheads. Standing
next to the faded, incriminating map, Sokorski ominously
described the purpose of the 27-year-old war plan: "The
objective of the exercise on this map is to [repulse the
attack and] take over most of western Europe—all of Germany,
Belgium and Denmark."
It is not overstating matters to describe
Sokorski's presentation as the biggest Polish contribution
to human knowledge since Copernicus. The outing of the nefarious
Soviet Strategy—dated 1979 and known as "Seven Days
to the River Rhine"—has discredited the long dominant
theory of how the Soviets would have actually responded
to an invasion of their territory.
Until Sokorski's shocking presentation,
Cold War military historians generally agreed that a NATO
attack would have been met with a two-stage plan known as
"MLK Plus Kittens." The plan was thought to have
worked like this: Once Moscow had been decapitated in a
nuclear first-strike and NATO tanks were rolling across
the German plains, Warsaw Pact forces would go limp in an
act of non-violent resistance. If this show of "living
truth" did not repel the advancing NATO forces, the
Soviets would release millions of adorable kittens onto
the battlefield. If this failed, Soviet leaders were to
concede defeat, dissolve the Soviet Union, and commit suicide
after urging Warsaw Pact populations to do the same.
Now the Poles have gone and discredited
everything we thought we knew. In place of the old certainties
is nothing but questions. Among them: Who will finally tell
the Poles that the Cold War is over?
Whatever the answer, one thing is certain:
November 25, 2005—truly a great moment in "New Europe"