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Allan Uthman

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Our simian scribe tries internet dating

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Ian Murphy

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Interview with the Gun that Shot JFK

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Kelly Holcomb's Concussion
by N. Sorrenti

Alito Once Had Abortion, Records Show

Robert Fisk's Great War for Civilisation
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Donahoe must be destroyed

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BEAST ARCHIVES


Sagittarius, I was watching Paycheck on cable the other day and it occurred to me: Ben Affleck has no idea what itís like to be shot at. Which is a shame, really, when you think about it.


Capricorn, I know you dislike surprises. Iím not going to debate the merits with you, but I will tell you this: The bondage outfit, the anal beads, the Nixon and Kissinger masks, the gay porn DVDs and the soundtrack to Mame you found in your boyfriendís closet while snooping for your Christmas presents arenít gags. Worse, they arenít for you.


Aquarius, do you seriously believe anyone is going to buy a book called The Van Gogh Encryption, just because it sounds a little like The Da Vinci Code? Even a potboiler conceived purely to capitalize on another bookís sales should have something resembling a plot. Why donít you quit reading Writerís Market and try to compose some stories with original ideas.


Pisces, youíve overplayed your hand again. You asked for too much in exchange for the Wombat Mechanism and the Russians balked. Now what are you going to do? This is the third black market deal youíve botched in 6 months. Youíre running out of storage space and the government is starting to closely monitor your movements and your financial records. Plus, some of that material is highly unstable. My advice to you is take what you can get for the Marmot Apparatus and just unload the Tamarind Device on that Asian consortium. Donít be an idiot, Pisces. Youíre in way over your head.


Aries, for future reference, when youíre trying to introduce yourself to women at bars by appearing literate: T.S. Eliot wrote, ďApril is the cruelest month.Ē Cruelest. Not ďcoolest,Ē you dumb bastard.


Taurus, I think itís great youíre getting married. Iím truly happy for you, I mean it. You couldnít have popped the question at a better time. She had an appointment with the contract killer next week. I was just wondering about one thing: What are you planning to do about your little secret in Hawaii? You know what Iím talking about. Remember your other family? You were all so happy, together, even with Likeke, your ďlittle mistake.Ē Suddenly, they get sick and itís off to the leper colony. Harsh, Taurus.

Gemini, when committing check fraud, itís probably a good idea not to put your actual address on the checks. Or to use the name ďTays T. Biscuit.Ē Or to make it out for $250,000 and try to cash it at 7-Eleven. Or to make the checks out of construction paper. Thatís okay. I hear prison can be quite the education, as long as youíre open to learning new things.


Cancer, it was downright reckless to have walked around that bar the other night calling everyone ďPendejo.Ē And you should keep in mind that those Peruvian guys at work, who are ďteaching [you] Spanish,Ē arenít your friends, and havenít been since you mistook them for a mariachi band at last yearís company dinner.

Leo, just because Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have split does not mean ďthis is [your] chance.Ē Please, for Christís sake, stop walking around saying that. At a minimum, clarify which one youíre talking about.


 Virgo, how many times have we been over this? You donít have to mention the thing about soliciting the child prostitute in India on a first date. You also donít have to mention it turned out to be a shaved macaque.


Libra, you know how you insisted, during our disagreement the other day, that the Colombians would never discover it was you who stole those missing kilos? And I was adamant they would? I was forced to admit your scheme was airtight. You donít know how that grated on me. I couldnít sleep for days, thinking Iíd been so wrong. I felt like an idiot. So I placed an anonymous call to them. Iím sorry, Libra. I guess Iím just really petty. I hope you can be the bigger person and find it in your heart to forgive me. Iíd feel a lot better about things. Oh, and I might have possibly, sort of mentioned where your mother lives and where your sister attends high school. Again, Iím really sorry.


Scorpio, I fully support your decision to undertake single motherhood. Youíre smart and financially successful with a steady job. I understand your relationships with men have been almost exclusively disappointments. The fact remains, however: despite its name, a sperm whale is not a viable donor. I agree, though, you shouldnít bother asking your neighbor across the hall. Heís Irish and Native American.


 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

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