I was watching Paycheck on cable the other day
and it occurred to me: Ben Affleck has no idea what itís
like to be shot at. Which is a shame, really, when you think
I know you dislike surprises. Iím not going to debate the
merits with you, but I will tell you this: The bondage outfit,
the anal beads, the Nixon and Kissinger masks, the gay porn
DVDs and the soundtrack to Mame you found in your
boyfriendís closet while snooping for your Christmas presents
arenít gags. Worse, they arenít for you.
do you seriously believe anyone is going to buy a book called
The Van Gogh Encryption, just because it sounds
a little like The Da Vinci Code? Even a potboiler
conceived purely to capitalize on another bookís sales should
have something resembling a plot. Why donít you quit reading
Writerís Market and try to compose some stories
with original ideas.
youíve overplayed your hand again. You asked for too much
in exchange for the Wombat Mechanism and the Russians balked.
Now what are you going to do? This is the third black market
deal youíve botched in 6 months. Youíre running out of storage
space and the government is starting to closely monitor
your movements and your financial records. Plus, some of
that material is highly unstable. My advice to you is take
what you can get for the Marmot Apparatus and just unload
the Tamarind Device on that Asian consortium. Donít be an
idiot, Pisces. Youíre in way over your head.
for future reference, when youíre trying to introduce yourself
to women at bars by appearing literate: T.S. Eliot wrote,
ďApril is the cruelest month.Ē Cruelest. Not ďcoolest,Ē
you dumb bastard.
I think itís great youíre getting married. Iím truly happy
for you, I mean it. You couldnít have popped the question
at a better time. She had an appointment with the contract
killer next week. I was just wondering about one thing: What
are you planning to do about your little secret in Hawaii?
You know what Iím talking about. Remember your other family?
You were all so happy, together, even with Likeke, your ďlittle
mistake.Ē Suddenly, they get sick and itís off to the leper
colony. Harsh, Taurus.
when committing check fraud, itís probably a good idea not
to put your actual address on the checks. Or to use the
name ďTays T. Biscuit.Ē Or to make it out for $250,000 and
try to cash it at 7-Eleven. Or to make the checks out of
construction paper. Thatís okay. I hear prison can be quite
the education, as long as youíre open to learning new things.
it was downright reckless to have walked around that bar the
other night calling everyone ďPendejo.Ē And you should keep
in mind that those Peruvian guys at work, who are ďteaching
[you] Spanish,Ē arenít your friends, and havenít been since
you mistook them for a mariachi band at last yearís company
just because Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have split
does not mean ďthis is [your] chance.Ē Please, for Christís
sake, stop walking around saying that. At a minimum, clarify
which one youíre talking about.
how many times have we been over this? You donít have to
mention the thing about soliciting the child prostitute
in India on a first date. You also donít have to mention
it turned out to be a shaved macaque.
you know how you insisted, during our disagreement the other
day, that the Colombians would never discover it was you
who stole those missing kilos? And I was adamant they would?
I was forced to admit your scheme was airtight. You donít
know how that grated on me. I couldnít sleep for days, thinking
Iíd been so wrong. I felt like an idiot. So I placed an
anonymous call to them. Iím sorry, Libra. I guess Iím just
really petty. I hope you can be the bigger person and find
it in your heart to forgive me. Iíd feel a lot better about
things. Oh, and I might have possibly, sort of mentioned
where your mother lives and where your sister attends high
school. Again, Iím really sorry.
I fully support your decision to undertake single motherhood.
Youíre smart and financially successful with a steady job.
I understand your relationships with men have been almost
exclusively disappointments. The fact remains, however:
despite its name, a sperm whale is not a viable donor. I
agree, though, you shouldnít bother asking your neighbor
across the hall. Heís Irish and Native American.