Sagittarius, I was watching Paycheck on cable the other day and it occurred to me: Ben Affleck has no idea what it’s like to be shot at. Which is a shame, really, when you think about it.

Capricorn, I know you dislike surprises. I’m not going to debate the merits with you, but I will tell you this: The bondage outfit, the anal beads, the Nixon and Kissinger masks, the gay porn DVDs and the soundtrack to Mame you found in your boyfriend’s closet while snooping for your Christmas presents aren’t gags. Worse, they aren’t for you.

Aquarius, do you seriously believe anyone is going to buy a book called The Van Gogh Encryption, just because it sounds a little like The Da Vinci Code? Even a potboiler conceived purely to capitalize on another book’s sales should have something resembling a plot. Why don’t you quit reading Writer’s Market and try to compose some stories with original ideas.

Pisces, you’ve overplayed your hand again. You asked for too much in exchange for the Wombat Mechanism and the Russians balked. Now what are you going to do? This is the third black market deal you’ve botched in 6 months. You’re running out of storage space and the government is starting to closely monitor your movements and your financial records. Plus, some of that material is highly unstable. My advice to you is take what you can get for the Marmot Apparatus and just unload the Tamarind Device on that Asian consortium. Don’t be an idiot, Pisces. You’re in way over your head.

Aries, for future reference, when you’re trying to introduce yourself to women at bars by appearing literate: T.S. Eliot wrote, “April is the cruelest month.” Cruelest. Not “coolest,” you dumb bastard.

Taurus, I think it’s great you’re getting married. I’m truly happy for you, I mean it. You couldn’t have popped the question at a better time. She had an appointment with the contract killer next week. I was just wondering about one thing: What are you planning to do about your little secret in Hawaii? You know what I’m talking about. Remember your other family? You were all so happy, together, even with Likeke, your “little mistake.” Suddenly, they get sick and it’s off to the leper colony. Harsh, Taurus.

Gemini, when committing check fraud, it’s probably a good idea not to put your actual address on the checks. Or to use the name “Tays T. Biscuit.” Or to make it out for $250,000 and try to cash it at 7-Eleven. Or to make the checks out of construction paper. That’s okay. I hear prison can be quite the education, as long as you’re open to learning new things.

Cancer, it was downright reckless to have walked around that bar the other night calling everyone “Pendejo.” And you should keep in mind that those Peruvian guys at work, who are “teaching [you] Spanish,” aren’t your friends, and haven’t been since you mistook them for a mariachi band at last year’s company dinner.

Leo, just because Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have split does not mean “this is [your] chance.” Please, for Christ’s sake, stop walking around saying that. At a minimum, clarify which one you’re talking about.

 Virgo, how many times have we been over this? You don’t have to mention the thing about soliciting the child prostitute in India on a first date. You also don’t have to mention it turned out to be a shaved macaque.

Libra, you know how you insisted, during our disagreement the other day, that the Colombians would never discover it was you who stole those missing kilos? And I was adamant they would? I was forced to admit your scheme was airtight. You don’t know how that grated on me. I couldn’t sleep for days, thinking I’d been so wrong. I felt like an idiot. So I placed an anonymous call to them. I’m sorry, Libra. I guess I’m just really petty. I hope you can be the bigger person and find it in your heart to forgive me. I’d feel a lot better about things. Oh, and I might have possibly, sort of mentioned where your mother lives and where your sister attends high school. Again, I’m really sorry.

Scorpio, I fully support your decision to undertake single motherhood. You’re smart and financially successful with a steady job. I understand your relationships with men have been almost exclusively disappointments. The fact remains, however: despite its name, a sperm whale is not a viable donor. I agree, though, you shouldn’t bother asking your neighbor across the hall. He’s Irish and Native American.