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THE BEAST SHIT LIST!
14 Things To Hate This Fortnight

 


1) Grown Men Wearing Sports Jerseys in Social Situations

What:  Desperate, corporately manufactured flashes of vicarious and oft ineffective Darwinian displays of masculinity and physical prowess.

Why:  Seriously, why? Why are you wearing that idiotic Nike ad - with some other guy’s name on it? Does it make you special, enhance your status or help you get laid? No, sorry, it doesn’t.

Rebuttal:  “Oh look, its Randy Moss’s idiotic devotee. We wonder why such a fat, fantasy football fuckwad wouldn’t have gone pro him self? Oh – right, the knee. Whatever you say, pigskin.”


2) Wyoming

What: Evil birth state of Dick Cheney

Why:  Evil birth state of Dick Cheney

Rebuttal:  Their quarter isn’t coming out until 2007 - and no one cares. Take that in the Tetons, hicks!


3) Cockroaches

What: “The poor man’s IPod.”

Why:  Scurrying exoskeletal automatons remind us of mortality, awakening a visceral hysteria on par with that of their descendant, Sean Hannity, and lend perspective on our collective lot in this existential wasteland of death, disease and poverty.

Rebuttal:  Shoes, bibles, bleach, fire.


 4) “Have A Nice Day” Smiley Face Plastic Bags.

What:  Polyethylene product with the sinister ability to offer camp, bleak commentary.

Why:  Bags shan’t engage in discourse, and should comport themselves in a matter befitting the strictest utility; both in chemical composition and in lacking platitude. Plus, we are certain these bags are totally insincere! They don’t care.

Rebuttal:  Those responsible for this ubiquitous and thin irony of empty consumerism should be publicly asphyxiated with one of said bags at the hands of a Salvation Army Santa in a Target vestibule crowded with small children.


5) Unborn Babies

What:  Powerful zygotes whose influence on American politics has become nearly supreme.

Why:  Their pathetic pleas for life are offensive to our exquisitely sensitive ears.

Rebuttal:  “Get in the fucking vacuum! Do it, you stupid blood clot!”

6) Local Anchor Banter

What: The forced, inane, tepid bits of “fun talk” between segments on your favorite local news broadcast.

Why: These improv moments reveal the reason our local news team members have landed here: they are hollow, slow-witted mediocrities.

Rebuttal: “Back to you, moron. Now make my skin crawl with another shitty joke.”


6) Reconstructionists

What:  Dominionist group of wayward “Christian” zombies who see it as their mission to proselytize the entire world before the second coming of Christ, by sword or depleted uranium lollypops if need be. They seek to hasten the second coming by creating an ultimate no-holds-barred cage match of American theocracy, in which women will be stoned to death for adultery, and other Old Testament fun-time activities will entertain us all! Gary DeMar, the founder of the American Vision Biblical Worldview Ministry, is considered something of a liberal among the Reconstructionists, because he’d execute gays only if they were caught indulging in sodomy. “I’m happy to just drive them back into the closet,” he says. What a fag!

Why:  They exist, and one of them is running for governor of Alabama.

Rebuttal:  Give them back to “Gawud,” via mass consumption of delicious, ten commandments-shaped Phenobarbital petit fours at the next church bake sale.


7) Arby’s

What:  Blight on the development of a mature palate and evolution through substandard nutritional and taste.

Why:  They wouldn’t serve us at the drive-through without a car, refused us entrance to the closed dinning area, and their golden curly fries are giving us man boobs.

Rebuttal:  Scale model Arby’s burned in effigy, igniting a slow leak of grease and horsey sauce seeping from the back door of the Arby’s on Delaware and Allen, selectively killing only the Wednesday night manager and his extended family.


8) Homeless Who Refuse to Jig for Money

What:  Mentally unstable, substance abusing beggars, brazen enough to both beg for money, and choose what tasks are suitable for receiving compensation.

Why:  Like most, demeaning others gives us great joy. Look, we want you to have that 40 too, but on principle, we demand a dance, preferably the running man.

Rebuttal:  Total apathy.


9) America’s Army:  Rise of a Soldier - Now Available on PS2!

What:  Video game designed by the US Army, developed by the internationally subsidized French firm Ubisoft, and available at all Wal Mart’s for the low, low price of $39.82.

Why:  The intense first person shooter action and career path options have inspired us to kill dark people in oil rich lands! And at a fraction of the cost of the Army’s total recruitment budget!

Rebuttal:  “Up, Up, Down, X, Y, X, A, Down, C, C, Up, Right, Up, Right, X.”


10) The Troops

What:  You know – those weird fuckers in camouflage what keeps getting blown up.

Why:  We don’t support their mission; therefore we must hate them, and, like everybody against the war, summarily rejoice when we hear news of their deaths!

Rebuttal: “Long live the terrorists, Jihad, Allah, etc.”


11) Email from 1969

What:  “Spam from the summer of love.”

Why:  These spammers are a unique, and cunning breed from a “groovy” time and place our minds can not comprehend, a world of “magic dragons” and moderate social liberalism. All spammers deserve derision, shackles and eternal whipping with razor sharp USB cords fashioned into a cat-o-nine tails, wielded by a thoroughly entertained John Stossel, who shouts “Give me a Break!” every time the spammers cry.

Rebuttal:  “Congratulations your email was at the top of my inbox, the first to be deleted, and our drugs are better than yours.”


12) Local News Anchor Banter

What:The forced, inane, tepid bits of “fun talk” between segments on your favorite local news broadcast.

Why:These improv moments reveal the reason our local news team members have landed here: they are hollow, slow-witted mediocrities.

Rebuttal: “Back to you, moron. Now make my skin crawl with another shitty joke.”


13) Crying Virgins

What:  Religious idols with magic tears, or oxidized fungus water, draining through cracks in their eyes. Your call.

Why:  For a miracle or whatever, it just seems sort of pedestrian.

Rebuttal:  “Let’s smash it and see if God’s inside!”


14) The Chinese

What:  A race of small, yellowish bipeds with a penchant for toxic water.

Why:  They can’t have a huge ecological disaster, facilitated by systemic government malfeasance – that is totally our thing!

Rebuttal:  “USA! USA!”

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

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