with actor Kurt Russell’s prediction, in a recent newspaper
article, that the current motion picture, “Dreamer: Inspired
by a True Story,” will become a classic American family
the preeminent child actress of our time, Dakota Fanning,
takes us from the depths of despair the heights of exhilarated
joy. In her role as the spunky Gale Crane, her unwavering
faith in the winning potential of popsicle-loving racehorse,
“Sonador,” is quite inspirational. In an emotional scene,
with tears running down her cheeks, she says to her day,
“Please don’t treat me like a little kid!”. Performances
by Russell, Krist Kristofferson and Elisabeth Shue perfectly
compliment Fanning’s phenomenal acting prowess.
The film is sentimental
but never saccharine. The sound track is devoid of loud
music and bad language. It’s easy on the ears of children
and senior citizens. This is a movie the whole family can
enjoy. To quote Kris Kristofferson, from a dramatic scene
in the film, “Cale’s a beautiful kid.” And Dakota Fanning,
Cale’s portrayer, stars in a beautiful motion picture. It’s
guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Don’t miss it. Hurry
to see it in a theater near you.
Robert J. Parton
PS The article
referred to appeared in the 10/26/05 edition of “The Buffalo
Thank you for taking the time to pen this unsolicited, though
heartfelt, review. Thanks, too, for giving us the opportunity
to inform our readers that, because we’re American patriots
and concerned citizens like everyone else, we participate
in a special government-sponsored mail-screening program.
Working in conjunction with the FBI, which provides us with
intelligence gatherers, censors and forensic psychologists,
we’re able to assist law enforcement in identifying potential
criminals from among our readership. It also makes our jobs
a lot easier because we receive so many letters. The Bureau’s
people are trained to flag letters containing coded language,
ciphers or other inappropriate words or phrases suggesting
nefarious intent or a felonious predisposition.
your case, agents were alerted by your fixation with 11-year-old
Fanning; specifically, your selective quotation of her line
from the movie, “Please don’t treat me like a little kid!”
The agents referred your letter to Bureau headquarters for
analysis and profiling. (As I am sure you can appreciate,
in her position as a juvenile public figure and hence a
target for stalkers, kidnappers and sex offenders, Fanning
is accorded special treatment by authorities.) We at the
BEAST are not calling you a nutcase, pervert or a loner
with latent pedophiliac tendencies. No, those are the FBI’s
thing is, we’re genuinely concerned about you and we’d like
to help you out. So, we’re distributing your telephone number
in the hopes some mature woman might give you a call, cure
you of your unhealthy obsession and help you avoid a brief
but incredibly unpleasant prison term. Of course, we can’t
guarantee a group of community vigilantes won’t track you
down using a reverse directory and beat you to death in
your driveway one night. I guess you’ll just have to hope
the FBI gets to you first.
Dakota says, “Hey, Robert, you big stud. Ooh, I really liked
your letter and I’ve just been thinking about you sitting
in the theater, in the dark, watching me up there on the
screen. That’s why I do it, Rob, for guys like you. Mmm,
yeah, baby. Anyway, I’ll try to write to you in prison.
Maybe I’ll get to send some pictures, hopefully before I
ago, America was looked too as the leading Democracy in
world. My, how the mighty have fallen.
First and foremost,
religion. There simply is no longer room in America for
non-Christians. Our neo conservative, Christian leaders
have recently prevented a ‘morning after’ drug used to prevent
unwanted pregnancies from being available with out a prescription.
The neo consevatives want to put and end to abortion and
contraception because of their beliefs. They insist that
we who don’t share their beliefs do not have access to them
too. The anti abortion movement has even become violent.
One would think that people were forcing Americans to have
abortions, but, the entire anti abortion movement exist
to stop Americans that do not share their values, from having
Recently, a ‘red’
State has attempted to get ‘intelligent design’ in school.
Not a religious school, but public school. Ten years ago,
no one would’ve imagined a debate about teaching religion
in public school. How can we even talk about this and make
non-christians comfortable with American religious freedom?
The problem can
be rightly attributed to America’s Republican/Conservative
leadership. Our President is an often confessed Evangelical.
He enjoys a solid backing of neo conservatives with a large
number of religious supporters. The biggest problem here
is that so many have used religion in the past to hide their
truly evil agenda’s, and the ultra religious have been incredibly
take symbolism, like ‘bread’ as the body of Christ, and
‘wine’ as his blood, and keep going with it. They go so
far that just saying ‘I’m an Evangelical’ to them means
I have morals, I am good. Is Jim Bakker good? How about
We cannot count
the number of fallen Evangelicals. As a matter of fact,
religion is one of the first things a con-man will turn
to to make money. Frankly, it’s the easiest way to get easy
money, because the victims must have ‘blind faith’ to begin
GW is praying
for our troops, yet they are in Iraq only because GW lied
to to get them there. He prays for the hopeless and down
trodden, yet he willingly cuts the programs that benefit
them. It’s sort of like praying for the health of seniors
but cutting medicare, which is exactly what they have done.
makes them liars. How can one ‘preach’ peace and Jesus Christ,
and give the go ahead to the ‘substandard’ treatment of
people not even charged with crimes? How is it that our
leaders have sunk to the tactics of a Sodom Hussein or Slobodan
Milosovich? We have been duped into thinking that the Wolves
It’s time for
us to wake up.
Wake up to big
tax cuts for the rich, to an unchecked predatory corporate
America, raping and pillaging an unprotected and unsuspecting
populace. Record deficits for our children, record profits
for our oil companies. We need to wake up. Or we never will.
It is time for
responsible leadership to break up all the new monopolies,
especially in news media and telecommunications. We must
take aim first at corrupt corporations for they are funding
a corrupt leadership.
Who will have
the guts to lead the charge?
nominate you, Bernard Rice, to lead us! Your courageous
words have not been uttered in vain or to anyone who might
disagree with you. Thank you, O Bernard, for enlightening
us to the problems we have been informing you of for years.
That bit about ‘Intelligent Design,’ wow is that scary!
Or the fact that religious people sometimes don’t live up
to their own standards! Whoah, that’s just nutty! Thanks
for waking us up, Bernard! Now go spread the word to other
needy minds—try MoveOn.org or the staff over at Harper’s.
Fuck you uthman.
wah wah, Clark. ‘I wrote a letter to The BEAST, and they
were mean to me!’ What did you expect?
how do i get a beast shirt without having to buy a free
all depends, Craig. How passable are you in a blonde wig
BY NAME ONLY
I'm a senior at SUNY Fredonia and the editor of the campus
newspaper's comic section (The Leader Lamp[Oo]n). I've been
doing comics for almost 3 years now and recently finished
an internship at Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
that you repeat a couple of comics in the Beast (Perry Bible
Fellowship and Bob the Angry Flower) and was wondering if
you'd take a moment to consider adding one of my comics
to your hilarious publication.
samples of two comics that I create weekly for The Leader;
Hobo Village and Crawling Together. Both comics have four
examples included. I've also attatched my resume. Thank
you for your time.
checked out your samples, Kevin, and were impressed by your
having worked with Conan O’Brien, who may not be much of
an interviewer, but did write the entire Monorail episode
of “The Simpsons” (you know, “The ring came off my pudding
can.” “Take my penknife, my good man!”). Unfortunately,
we specialize in “funny” comics. Since that’s clearly not
the direction you’re going in, we’re afraid we’re going
to have to let you down. If, in the future, you become funny,
please let us know. Thanks.
SOME DOGS--& THEIR PETS!
Hi Allan I thought
you might be interested in a unique story. (release attached)
My company, AnimalAttraction.com, the leading online dating
and community website for pet owners, has teamed up with
the Buffalo Jills Cheerleaders to help raise money for the
SPCA Serving Erie County while bringing pet lovers together.
The promotion is called "AnimalAttraction.com Tailgate
2005" and the tag line is "Wanted: Guys who LOVE
dogs, not guys who ARE dogs!". In a nutshell, people
signing up on our site have a chance to meet some of the
Jills Cheerleaders AND THEIR DOGS at a private Tailgate
Party. For every sign-up, we're making a $1 donation to
There are some
GREAT pictures of the Jills Cheerleaders and their dogs
on www.animalattraction.com/tailgate.asp Pictures are available
for your use if you'd like, and interviews/quotes with Cheerleaders
or representatives of my company are also readily available.
Please let me
know your thoughts if/when you get a chance. Thanks in advance
for your time and consideration.
Dan Cohen Founder & President Animal Attraction Washington,
a great concept, Dan! As serious dog lovers, we have always
been fans of the Buffalo Jills! If we may offer a suggestion,
perhaps name tags would be helpful, to better distinguish
the cheerleaders from their pets. The Jills certainly are
an ‘animal attraction!’
I think that
you'll agree that the safety of our elderly is a very important
issue. Something must be done to curtail these home invasion
attacks on our senior citizens. They are our mothers, fathers
What is happening
makes me sick. To think that there are people so sick in
the head, to attack a person in their 70s and 80s is appalling.
This and the attacks on pizza workers who are just trying
to make an honest paycheck.
We have the technology
to make a device that is small enough to wear as a ring,
a bracelet, or on a belt, that can have a GPS system(global
positioning system) and have it set to call emergeny 9-11
Why not create
this device for people like the elderly, pizza drivers and
regular everyday people, thus having a simple device to
alert the police when you are in immediate danger.
It's a good step
to have a medical alert system, a cell phone that has GPS,
but this would combine them all into a small unit that with
the push of a button, can bring police response to save
your life ASAP.
YOUR FRIENDLY TEN YEAR NAVY VET 1982-1992 DISABLED
PS AND NO, I DON'T WORK FOR HALLIBURTON.
the elderly may be appalling, James, but it is also incredibly
easy. And if pizza boys don’t want to get beat up, they
ought to stop carrying hot, delicious pizza pies around
with them! Sign us up for one of your cool GPS/emergency
rings when the price falls below $547,000.
are more fucked up in the world than imagineable hey? some
can wipe their asses wth hundred dollar bills but, we're
no better off than they were in 1918 as far as flu shit
goes. and bush has been off to china promoting freedom of
religion! what a god damned hipocrate. freedom of whose
religion? freedom to force their religion on me? that'll
be our next crusade. as soon as the bastard rescinds the
what ever amendment (23rd?) that limits his terms in office.
and tell that asshole who writes like if he talked, he'd
have a fucking bone in his nose or a plate in his lip that
hey, they're lookin for people in liberia mother fucker!
look what they did over there! quit yer bitchin you poor
opressed bastard. go join a basketball teem after your shift
at the greyhound station. maybe you'll learn english instead
of GURGLING, asshole!
aghh, that felt good
are an ignorant asshole. You make Drew Collins look like
a fucking brain surgeon, you submoronic piece of shit. Don’t
ever defend us; you’re exactly the kind of brain-dead fuck
we hate. Die.
We miss your bushbashings, are sorely stuck down here in
Jeb's sorry state. Only question is: To whom do we make
the money order out? We want desparately to subscribe to
what's black and white and read all over. So, assuming Wilma
doesn't destroy us (her Mother, Nature, willing) - although
wiping this dangling dinglingberry of a state off the map
wouldn't be such a bad thing, damned entitlements - you
could mail your wonderful rag to:
Fort Myers FL
And let us know
who the twenty-six bux are payable to asap so you can pay
off your dealer and replenish your stash.
Lisa, you can make your check payable to: Allan Uthman (NOT
Paul Fallon). Or just drop the cash in the envelope and
send it to Al, not Paul. Don’t worry, it’s all good. Just
don’t tell Paul. Paul, if you’re reading this, I’m just
kidding. (Lisa, I’m not kidding.) That was a joke (not really).
Hi, My cousin
got me a subscription to The Beast but you got the apartment
number wrong. 2C Bronx, NY (not 2G) Please make this correction
since almost no one in this borough even speaks English,
much less is able to read it.
problema. Realizaremos el cambio enseguida. Apesadumbrado
para la inconveniencia
Hello. I'd like
to subscribe to the Beast for three years. Please don't
give or sell my name or address to any mailing lists. I
hate mail. Please don't stop publishing. Truth is dying.
Willingness to offend helps. Thanks. If you send a t-shirt,
please not an extra large. Preferably medium if you have.
A sticker for the guitar case would be good.
Klein, is that you? We’re glad we got a hold of you before
it was too late. We have important news: “I can’t stop my
leg” is getting kind of old. Do it again, one more time,
and we’ll stop your leg, Klein, we’ll stop it. Watch your