BEAST PAGE 3
Contrived Ethnic Persona
Home Shopping Network, naïve consumers, the Pittsburgh Steelers,
Zorro, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Epcot Center.
Buyer’s remorse, Martin guitars, Consumer Reports, dedication,
“Iron Man,” the Gypsy Kings.
I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Contrived Ethnic Persona: In
a word: ambiguity. Right down to my opaque trappings. Myth
and fact, truth and fiction—about my origins and my credentials—are
now profitably inseparable. I’m a nebulous marketing gestalt—from
Pennsylvania. Some say I trained with classical master Andres
Segovia in Spain and had legitimate talent before a series
of accidents hampered my playing. Others insist I once tried
to sell them AmWay products in an Arby’s parking lot. And
still others that I’m the Taco Bell Chihuahua’s biological
father. Whatever the case, I am perfectly positioned to bilk
gullible middle-class parents who believe unwaveringly in
their lethargic spawn. I’m empowered to prey on Americans’
dim notions of the exotic and their ignorance about almost
plans: Alienating kids from music and their parents, once
they discover how truly difficult and pointless it is to learn
“Camptown Races.” Eventually driving children to live life
in a narcotic haze rather than ever again face the prospect
of humiliating failure. Plus I’m buying a new place in Jersey.
I’d like to be remembered: A pit stop on American youth’s
unenlightened journey to mediocrity and countless renditions
of “wild thing.” I also hope to become an ironically dated
punch line with a very short shelf life, used briefly by network-owned
robo-hacks in the 2020s.