Enraged By Pearl Harbor Attacks; Declares War On China
by Scott Wagner
Bush, angered by the "infamous" and "dis-ingenius"
December 7th, 1941 attacks on the Pearl Harbor Naval Station
by the Japanese Empire, recently declared the beginning of
forward military action against China.
Bush has been meeting with his top advisors for the last 21
hours," explained White House Spokesman Scott McClellan.
"After watching the History Channel's re-run of a documentary
about the attacks on Pearl Harbor, he knew he could not stand
idly by and let their attacks go unanswered."
which is a "communist" country and a new member
of the Vast, Right-Wing Axis of Evil, couldn't speak English
well enough to respond to the President's declaration. A translator
offered some General Tso's chicken to reporters, but that
was about it.
fellow Amuricans [sic]," said President Bush after emerging
slightly drunk from his cabinet meetings. "These terrible
attacks are just as I mispected. Amurica cannot run from evil;
we must attack it now. We will not falter, we will not fail.
And to the families who lost their loved ones in Pearl Harbor
on December 7th, 2005, I say: they will not have died in vain."
all pretty sly and squinty people," stated Vice-President
Richard "Dick" Cheney. "It's time they took
responsibility for their actions by eating the neutron blast
of Amurica's radiation missiles."
plan is already drawing fire from some who believe that America
should first set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq before
invading other countries. But many have different ideas as
to when Iraq will be fixed forever: some say today, and some
say later today.
we'll wait until after their election in a few days,"
Mr. Bush conceded. "By then, terrorist insurgents, afraid
of democracy and freedom, will disperse and die."
were concerned, however, with the President's words and actions.
Said Alec Baldwin, an important movie star: "President
Bush's actions against the Chinese are despicable, with many
cuddly animals being killed without painkillers." He
then blinked twice and shot himself in his head. Finally.
thought it was the Japs who attacked us at Pearl Harbor,"
said Winston Jones, an octogenarian veteran of World War II.
"But I am no fair weather veteran, and I'll support Amurica
when she needs me most."
flag helmet radiating sunlight, Jones concluded: "I never
liked those damned Orientals anyway."
many Americans agree that members of the mongoloid races are
generally all the same, and the responsibility for the Pearl
Harbor attacks falls squarely on their "small, yellow"
Associated Press poll revealed that most Americans do not
know where Japan or China are, but that "moral values"
are an important aspect of destroying them in a war.
course we won't torture Chinese people," said Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defiantly. "Hey, shut up. Shut
the hell up. The Chinese are ruled by horrible, evil communist
dictators. It is time Amurica stood up to their evil and said:
'no more evil' to them, in Chinese of course."
"What's the chink word for 'firebombing'?"
Americans, who always outscore white people on the SAT math
section and who "look like traitors" to most average
Americans, were unavailable for comment because no one at
The BEAST speaks their heathen language. BEAST staffers estimate
that their word for firebombing is likely "Hu-shu-cling-kong."