Bush Enraged By Pearl Harbor Attacks; Declares War On China
 by Scott Wagner

President Bush, angered by the "infamous" and "dis-ingenius" December 7th, 1941 attacks on the Pearl Harbor Naval Station by the Japanese Empire, recently declared the beginning of forward military action against China.

"President Bush has been meeting with his top advisors for the last 21 hours," explained White House Spokesman Scott McClellan. "After watching the History Channel's re-run of a documentary about the attacks on Pearl Harbor, he knew he could not stand idly by and let their attacks go unanswered."

China, which is a "communist" country and a new member of the Vast, Right-Wing Axis of Evil, couldn't speak English well enough to respond to the President's declaration. A translator offered some General Tso's chicken to reporters, but that was about it.

"My fellow Amuricans [sic]," said President Bush after emerging slightly drunk from his cabinet meetings. "These terrible attacks are just as I mispected. Amurica cannot run from evil; we must attack it now. We will not falter, we will not fail. And to the families who lost their loved ones in Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 2005, I say: they will not have died in vain."

"They're all pretty sly and squinty people," stated Vice-President Richard "Dick" Cheney. "It's time they took responsibility for their actions by eating the neutron blast of Amurica's radiation missiles."

The attack plan is already drawing fire from some who believe that America should first set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq before invading other countries. But many have different ideas as to when Iraq will be fixed forever: some say today, and some say later today.

"Fine, we'll wait until after their election in a few days," Mr. Bush conceded. "By then, terrorist insurgents, afraid of democracy and freedom, will disperse and die."

Many Americans were concerned, however, with the President's words and actions. Said Alec Baldwin, an important movie star: "President Bush's actions against the Chinese are despicable, with many cuddly animals being killed without painkillers." He then blinked twice and shot himself in his head. Finally.

"I thought it was the Japs who attacked us at Pearl Harbor," said Winston Jones, an octogenarian veteran of World War II. "But I am no fair weather veteran, and I'll support Amurica when she needs me most."

His American flag helmet radiating sunlight, Jones concluded: "I never liked those damned Orientals anyway."

Indeed, many Americans agree that members of the mongoloid races are generally all the same, and the responsibility for the Pearl Harbor attacks falls squarely on their "small, yellow" shoulders.

A recent Associated Press poll revealed that most Americans do not know where Japan or China are, but that "moral values" are an important aspect of destroying them in a war.

"Of course we won't torture Chinese people," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defiantly. "Hey, shut up. Shut the hell up. The Chinese are ruled by horrible, evil communist dictators. It is time Amurica stood up to their evil and said: 'no more evil' to them, in Chinese of course."

He chuckled. "What's the chink word for 'firebombing'?"

Chinese Americans, who always outscore white people on the SAT math section and who "look like traitors" to most average Americans, were unavailable for comment because no one at The BEAST speaks their heathen language. BEAST staffers estimate that their word for firebombing is likely "Hu-shu-cling-kong."