Not Pro-Life, I’m Anti-Choice
A BEAST Reader Opinion
can never make up my mind. Even at the supermarket, I never
know what to get; salted or unsalted peanuts, 1% or skim milk?
Do I like riboflavanoids? What the hell are riboflavanoids?
Do riboflavanoids go well with yogurt? And if so, what kind
of yogurt? Vanilla, strawberry, premixed or fruit on the bottom,
low fat or regular? Arghhhhhh! I don’t know.
full of little every day dilemmas, and for some like me, all
those choices can be a bit too much to bear. I don’t need
any more decisions in my life, thank you. That’s why I am
that I particularly care about unborn babies, religion or
any of that crap. I simply cannot take any more decision-making!
All day long it’s “Mary, what kind of color scheme should
the spring catalogue have? Mary, what font should we use on
the cover, serif or sans serif? Mary, does the model look
better in heels or flats? Mary, the Japanese investors are
here; what should we serve them, rye or whole wheat, regular
what? I don’t care! The Japanese investors can suck on chocolate
coated rat shit and doctors can perform abortions up to the
3rd trimester, by using pregnant women and crowbars
as improvised instruments in a hospital rendition of “Stomp,”
for all I care. I just don’t want to decide. I have enough
on my plate as it is.
some of you are saying “well didn’t you choose to be pro life?”
Ahem – that’s anti-choice, and no, no I didn’t. As a good
Catholic (the religion I was born into and thankfully didn’t
have to pick on my own), I am just following orders. If only
one of the pope’s edicts was about salad dressing! Ranch,
zesty ranch, russian, thousand island, french, blue cheese,
italian, balsamic vinaigrette, raspberry vinaigrette, it’s
all a little too much! Is that too much to ask of the infallible
leader of my faith?
if the pope ordered Paul Newman to make salad dressing out
of aborted babies, I would impregnate myself with a neighbor's
sperm and a turkey baster, terminate the pregnancy, donate
what remained of the tiny carcass to Mr. Newman, wait a week
or so for it to be rendered into a delicious dressing and
delivered to a local restaurant, order a light salad, and
enjoy! At least I wouldn't have to ask the waitress to repeat
my options three times. Aghhh, how embarrassing! I hate being
on the spot like that.
will be a better place when we are all ruled with an iron
fist, by men with clear vision, regardless of “fairness” or
respect for “individual rights.” In ancient Egypt, Pharaoh
was God, and when he died you and your family were
simply buried alive with him in his tomb. It wasn’t all “it’s
my body, my choice.” There weren’t any stupid questions like
“what do we do now?” And they had those awesome pyramids!
What do we have? Streets lined with hundreds of fast food
what has this “freedom of choice” given us anyway? A highly
polarized society, rife with disillusionment and aggravated
frustrations. Not to mention a cotton industry that went straight
into the shitter when people “decided” slavery was an abridgement
of people’s rights. Choices like that should be left up to
the all-knowing Great Invisible Hand of the free market. Who
are we to decide such things?
all the people I know, and all the choices available to them,
not one of them have chosen to be happy. Instead, they’ve
all chosen a life of stress and despair in the face of an
endless number of decisions.
I can’t afford it, and I really, sort of despise children
in general; if I ever find myself pregnant, there is at least
one choice I know I will not have to make. After all,
I could always release the child into the woods to be raised
by wolves. Hey, it worked out just fine for Howie Mandel in
Walk Like a Man.
as of now, there may be no official decree by any institution
or moral authority about what kind of toothpaste I should
use, soft drink I should sip or car I should drive. There
is however, one decision I can leave up to somebody else.
And that, is why I am proudly pro-life, um, I mean, proudly