I’m Not Pro-Life, I’m Anti-Choice
     A BEAST Reader Opinion

I can never make up my mind. Even at the supermarket, I never know what to get; salted or unsalted peanuts, 1% or skim milk? Do I like riboflavanoids? What the hell are riboflavanoids? Do riboflavanoids go well with yogurt? And if so, what kind of yogurt? Vanilla, strawberry, premixed or fruit on the bottom, low fat or regular? Arghhhhhh! I don’t know.

Life is full of little every day dilemmas, and for some like me, all those choices can be a bit too much to bear. I don’t need any more decisions in my life, thank you. That’s why I am proudly anti-choice.

It’s not that I particularly care about unborn babies, religion or any of that crap. I simply cannot take any more decision-making! All day long it’s “Mary, what kind of color scheme should the spring catalogue have? Mary, what font should we use on the cover, serif or sans serif? Mary, does the model look better in heels or flats? Mary, the Japanese investors are here; what should we serve them, rye or whole wheat, regular or decaffeinated?”

You know what? I don’t care! The Japanese investors can suck on chocolate coated rat shit and doctors can perform abortions up to the 3^rd trimester, by using pregnant women and crowbars as improvised instruments in a hospital rendition of “Stomp,” for all I care. I just don’t want to decide. I have enough on my plate as it is.

I know some of you are saying “well didn’t you choose to be pro life?” Ahem – that’s anti-choice, and no, no I didn’t. As a good Catholic (the religion I was born into and thankfully didn’t have to pick on my own), I am just following orders. If only one of the pope’s edicts was about salad dressing! Ranch, zesty ranch, russian, thousand island, french, blue cheese, italian, balsamic vinaigrette, raspberry vinaigrette, it’s all a little too much! Is that too much to ask of the infallible leader of my faith?

Frankly, if the pope ordered Paul Newman to make salad dressing out of aborted babies, I would impregnate myself with a neighbor's sperm and a turkey baster, terminate the pregnancy, donate what remained of the tiny carcass to Mr. Newman, wait a week or so for it to be rendered into a delicious dressing and delivered to a local restaurant, order a light salad, and enjoy! At least I wouldn't have to ask the waitress to repeat my options three times. Aghhh, how embarrassing! I hate being on the spot like that.

The world will be a better place when we are all ruled with an iron fist, by men with clear vision, regardless of “fairness” or respect for “individual rights.” In ancient Egypt, Pharaoh was God, and when he died you and your family were simply buried alive with him in his tomb. It wasn’t all “it’s my body, my choice.” There weren’t any stupid questions like “what do we do now?” And they had those awesome pyramids! What do we have? Streets lined with hundreds of fast food choices.

As Americans, what has this “freedom of choice” given us anyway? A highly polarized society, rife with disillusionment and aggravated frustrations. Not to mention a cotton industry that went straight into the shitter when people “decided” slavery was an abridgement of people’s rights. Choices like that should be left up to the all-knowing Great Invisible Hand of the free market. Who are we to decide such things?

Out of all the people I know, and all the choices available to them, not one of them have chosen to be happy. Instead, they’ve all chosen a life of stress and despair in the face of an endless number of decisions.

Even though I can’t afford it, and I really, sort of despise children in general; if I ever find myself pregnant, there is at least one choice I know I will not have to make. After all, I could always release the child into the woods to be raised by wolves. Hey, it worked out just fine for Howie Mandel in Walk Like a Man.

Unfortunately, as of now, there may be no official decree by any institution or moral authority  about what kind of toothpaste I should use, soft drink I should sip or car I should drive. There is however, one decision I can leave up to somebody else. And that, is why I am proudly pro-life, um, I mean, proudly anti-choice.