Ol’ Saint Nick answers questions from the world’s
most treasured resource—children!
This year, I want an Xbox 360, a McDonald’s Arch Card
and a book of movie passes! Please!
Ho, ho, ho! You’re a greedy little girl, aren’t
you? Or, rather a greedy big girl! That’s why I’ve
decided to combine all of your gifts this year into one extra
laaaaaaaarge present. You’re getting juvenile diabetes!
Ho, ho, ho!
you’re smart, you’ll ignore the special diet,
gorge yourself on a truckload of donuts and wash it down with
a case of Skittles. Lapse into a diabetic coma! It’s
better than being rechristened “Two-ton Tillotson”
at middle school in two years—for the rest of your life.
Seriously, even your scaly, he-beast husband is going to call
you “TT” for short.
Are you real? I asked my daddy and he said you are. My daddy
wouldn’t lie to me, would he?
Of course I’m real, Timmy—just like the God you
fear is real! Ho, ho, ho! That doesn’t mean your dad
was being honest with you. Noooo! He doesn’t really
believe in me. He doesn’t believe in anything, except
taking naked grownup naps with your ‘uncle!’ Ho,
mommy’s new husband won’t be much better. If I
were you, I wouldn’t take a bath with him! Ho, ho, ho!
Last year, I asked you for a pony and it never came. I was
good and everything. Why didn’t I get what I wanted?
Sometimes, Santa’s too busy to get every gift, and sometimes
he has too much to carry to deliver all of them. Santa also
hates whiny little skanks!
many people don’t realize, though, is Santa doesn’t
just deliver presents on Christmas Eve. Noooo! I’m a
saint, which means I can send gifts to people anytime I wish,
any day of the year. For instance, sometime this year your
mom is going to pick you up from school and take you for your
favorite treat: a burger, fries and vanilla shake. Santa promises
to make sure you get something extra special in your meal:
E.Coli! Ho, ho, ho!
after all the other children have tired of their gifts, you’ll
still be getting acquainted with yours!
Click Santa Claus,
Click dock click click, dock click click click. Dock, click
click click dock click click dock. Dock dock dock, click click
dock click dock. Click click click click click dock click.
Dock click dock click. Click, click click click dock click,
dock dock click click.
Ho, ho, ho! I don’t think I care for all those “docks,”
little lady! You’d better watch yourself! No, you can’t
stop harvesting diamonds! Why, it’s Christmas and, as
a 12 year-old, you should be well acquainted by now with what
that means for you and your friends! You’re one of Santa’s
most important elves! Without your help, American men won’t
spend wads of cash on a shiny rock that’s inherently
worthless (like you!), observing a phony “tradition”
based on a 1930s DeBeers advertising campaign! They might
buy something useful, or worse, make something!
than that, it’s really very simple: God hates African
children, just like Santa does! Ho, ho, ho!
I almost forgot to tell you, Christmas has come especially
early for one little African child: that’s right, you!
You’ve got AIDS! Ho, ho, ho! You’d better start
saving now for those second-line drugs! And remember: Santa
knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, so if you love
your arms, don’t filch that ice! Just like Kanye said,
“Diamonds are forever.” But Africans live only
a short while! Meeeerrrrrryyy Chriiiiistmaaaaasss!