Ask Santa
Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick answers questions from the world’s most treasured resource—children!

Dear Santa,
This year, I want an Xbox 360, a McDonald’s Arch Card and a book of movie passes! Please!
Elizabeth Tillotson

Dear Elizabeth,
Ho, ho, ho! You’re a greedy little girl, aren’t you? Or, rather a greedy big girl! That’s why I’ve decided to combine all of your gifts this year into one extra laaaaaaaarge present. You’re getting juvenile diabetes! Ho, ho, ho!

If you’re smart, you’ll ignore the special diet, gorge yourself on a truckload of donuts and wash it down with a case of Skittles. Lapse into a diabetic coma! It’s better than being rechristened “Two-ton Tillotson” at middle school in two years—for the rest of your life. Seriously, even your scaly, he-beast husband is going to call you “TT” for short.

Dear Santa,
Are you real? I asked my daddy and he said you are. My daddy wouldn’t lie to me, would he?
Timmy Nelson

Dear Timmy,
Of course I’m real, Timmy—just like the God you fear is real! Ho, ho, ho! That doesn’t mean your dad was being honest with you. Noooo! He doesn’t really believe in me. He doesn’t believe in anything, except taking naked grownup naps with your ‘uncle!’ Ho, ho, ho!

Your mommy’s new husband won’t be much better. If I were you, I wouldn’t take a bath with him! Ho, ho, ho!

Dear Santa,
Last year, I asked you for a pony and it never came. I was good and everything. Why didn’t I get what I wanted?
Alicia Mack

Dear Alicia,
Sometimes, Santa’s too busy to get every gift, and sometimes he has too much to carry to deliver all of them. Santa also hates whiny little skanks!

What many people don’t realize, though, is Santa doesn’t just deliver presents on Christmas Eve. Noooo! I’m a saint, which means I can send gifts to people anytime I wish, any day of the year. For instance, sometime this year your mom is going to pick you up from school and take you for your favorite treat: a burger, fries and vanilla shake. Santa promises to make sure you get something extra special in your meal: E.Coli! Ho, ho, ho!

Long after all the other children have tired of their gifts, you’ll still be getting acquainted with yours!

Click Santa Claus,
Click dock click click, dock click click click. Dock, click click click dock click click dock. Dock dock dock, click click dock click dock. Click click click click click dock click. Dock click dock click. Click, click click click dock click, dock dock click click.

Click,

Siphokazi Mbeke
Botswana, Africa

Dear Siphokazi,
Ho, ho, ho! I don’t think I care for all those “docks,” little lady! You’d better watch yourself! No, you can’t stop harvesting diamonds! Why, it’s Christmas and, as a 12 year-old, you should be well acquainted by now with what that means for you and your friends! You’re one of Santa’s most important elves! Without your help, American men won’t spend wads of cash on a shiny rock that’s inherently worthless (like you!), observing a phony “tradition” based on a 1930s DeBeers advertising campaign! They might buy something useful, or worse, make something!

Other than that, it’s really very simple: God hates African children, just like Santa does! Ho, ho, ho!

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, Christmas has come especially early for one little African child: that’s right, you! You’ve got AIDS! Ho, ho, ho! You’d better start saving now for those second-line drugs! And remember: Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, so if you love your arms, don’t filch that ice! Just like Kanye said, “Diamonds are forever.” But Africans live only a short while! Meeeerrrrrryyy Chriiiiistmaaaaasss!