BEAST answers your letters
WOULD JESUS CENSOR?
wanted to make sure you got the new ad
I got a letter in the mail today –
is this advertising really helping?
is it helping american children?
this is only 1 article !
refers to the shit list - unborn babies highlighted among
course no name or address
thought you would enjoy that
Otis, it is well known that the primary driving force behind
most advertising is a desire to help American children. On
the plus side, we may not be children, but we are very immature.
is the owner of the Indian store Sree that advertised with
you. I anonymously received two ripped out pages from your
latest issue about the al jazeera artcle and he highlighted
your e mail address. just wondering if the asswipe sent in
an editorial about my store???
Donna, some busybody in Rochester has taken upon himself or
herself to tell our advertisers that they advertise in our
paper. Hey useless, why not take a break from wasting your
life trying to shut people up and, like, feed somebody, or
teach them to read—something Christian like that?
OFF THE RACK
It seems we have fan of the beast here. They like it so much
they took every copy all at once. I guess they want to read
it over and over. Bring more please.
been getting a lot of complaints and phone calls about you
guys lately. Have I been missing something? I just tell them
to call you, and that it's a free country (kind of), and not
to read it if they don't like it.
up the great work,
just our PR department, Niko. They’ve got this crazy idea
that if they stir up enough controversy, we’ll become famous
and successful, like Howard Stern or Donald Rumsfeld. Is it
working yet? Either that or it’s a certain someone we wrote
a certain article about last issue (hint: it’s not Supreme
Court nominee Samuel Alito). Either way, it just makes us
look good anyway. If anybody catches someone doing this, give
him a big, asphyxiating squeeze from us. Thanks a bunch, you
thieving, suppressive asshole! (Not you, Georgiadis.)
IS WHAT IT AIN’T
part of your “Al Jazeera Cancelled”: “But probably the most
conclusive evidence that we wanted to bomb Al Jazeera is the
fact that we bombed Al Jazeera. Somehow, to me, that seems
a good indicator of whether Bush wanted to bomb Al Jazeera.”
the “purloined letter” or “hide in plain sight” principle:
“Who are you going to believe—me, or your lying eyes?” Compare
W and Condi’s assertions that we never have and never will
torture with this public Department of Defense autopsy report
on a 47-year-old Iraqi detainee: “An examination of the neck
structures revealed hemorrhage into the strap muscles and
fractures of the thyroid cartilage and hyoid bone. According
to the investigative report provided by U. S. Army CID, the
decedent was shackled to the top of a doorframe with a gag
in his mouth at the time he lost consciousness and became
pulseless. The severe blunt force injuries, the hanging position,
and the obstruction of the oral cavity with a gag contributed
to this individual’s death. The manner of death is homicide.
[omitted name], CDR, MC, USN, DMO/FS, Chief Deputy Medical
you think it could be a homicide?
holidays, and may you not become pulseless in the new year.
Jim, that’s “merry Christmas!” Get it right! It’s incredibly
important! 96% of Americans celebrate Christmas, and they
need constant and exclusionary affirmation, or they may forget.
A pulseful New Year to you.
is this wop shit did u rite it or one of the filthy kike contributors
bambino, whaddayou problem, ah? The woppa piecea, she written
by Mario anda Chef Boyardee, no? Whya you usea dis word, ‘kike,’
ah? This isa offensive stereotype-a, capeesh? Whatta the Jews
ever do-a to you, eh? Rompicojóni!
you for this thing called the Beast. It makes living in Buffalo
than you'll ever know.
must, since we’ve never known it to be bearable at all.
THE ANGRY READER
Kevin Lieber's suggestion that you include his comics in your
paper: Why not give him and other contributors a chance to
showcase their work? It certainly would be the most democratic
approach (featuring the work of multiple, homegrown talents).
And so what if his work doesn't meet your standard for humor?
Shit, look at Bob the Angry Flower. That strip is mediocre
at best and painfully unfunny at its worst (not to mention
technically weak). Hell, you could even feature local artists'
work on an interim basis and evaluate its success based on
input from readers. Please consider this suggestion before
concocting a clever and scathing response that will undoubtedly
bruise my already fragile ego.
what makes you think a “democratic approach” is in any way
appropriate to a periodical? This isn’t a community bulletin
board. We do give contributors a chance to show their work:
contributors who don’t suck.
let’s give him a shot. On the offhand chance that you are
not actually Kevin Lieber or a close friend of his, let’s
have look at one of Lieber’s pieces:
rest our case.
a little Christmas song about the Bush administration, maby
you will like it. I'll tell you where I got the idea .
I was hanging out in Nick's on South Park Ave. chatting with
the waitresses and the regular "Twelve Days of Chrismas"
came on the radio. I noticed how people try to follow the
lyrics to this song, and I thought it would make a good foundation
for a satirical twist. So here it is check it out.
George W’s Twelve Days of Christmas By Jonathan Quinn
stanzas one through eleven removed for brevity – Ed.]
twelfth day of Christmas,
W gave to me,
French men laughing,
lies of telling,
no bid contracts
Dick Chaney on the TV.
Jon, but that “nine Condis” thing brought back a traumatic
dream we had last weekend after drinking ouzo and eating one
of those microwaveable ‘rising crust’ pizzas…we guess you’d
call it a “wet nightmare.”
LA VISTA, TOOKIE
your movies. The test question is: How do you end murder?
Obviously, the answer, "By murdering", is incorrect.
I don't care if Tookie was guilty. You, nor the state of CA,
nor anyone else on this planet, deserves the right to say
if this human being's life is worthless. Nor will you make
a difference at all by killing one more sorry loser. Nor
have you given any real weight to the possibility that a)
Tookie really was innocent as he claimed, or b) Tookie really
had undergone a personal reformation. There are several shadows
of doubt in this case. The largest being whether there is
a brain in your head or a heart in your breast. But there
is no shadow of doubt that you are now a murderer. Is there
no room in the law for forgiveness? You have rendered his
book's anti-gang message totally impotent, and made the book
a mere collectors item for those who seek to own morbid artifacts
of our society of cannibals. You have perpetuated the image
of the state as a racist institution, opening the door to
more racist backlash. And you have exposed yourself as another
typical polititian, no more advanced in your comprehension
than Conan. He was a barbarian. You are too. You had a
chance to make a statement about the compassionate, reasoning
nature of the rule of law, but you chose to perpetuate the
stone-age. I would like to suggest that you step down and
go back to making movies, where you can take directions and
not have to worry your pretty head about issues of substance.
And for the crime of the murder of Tookie Williams, your sentence
shall be a lifetime of making movies with Jerry Falwell as
your only co-star, with all proceeds going to the perforated
rectum research institute.
Rick, not to make light or anything, what do you think Arnold
would have said to Tookie just before the lights went out?
when I said I’d grant you clemency? I lied.”
be back. But you won’t.”
Jesus I said happy birthday.”
no one ever heard of this Rep. Democrat from PA. before
he said that the American troops are 'broken' and he wants
them home now.
guy waffled like many Democrats do, but to say our troops
are broken is crazy. Murtha is a 37 year vet. from the Korean
and Vietnam war, and did support the war, even as a Democrat,
but since the elections will be coming in '06 and '08 he's
changing his tune.
liberal Democrat John Kerry Mass, said that our troops are
kicking in the doors of women and children and scaring the
hell out of them, and other false BS accusations.
liberal democrats who are just thinking of their political
agenda over our troops and the American people.
is a war on terror. A war better fought there, then our the
streets of our American cities.
withdrawal will mean defeat and cowardice on our part, and
will give a green light to the terrorists that we don't have
the guts, will and patients to take them on.
evil terrorists will then attack us again and again here,
on our American soild killing thousands of us.
WHAT YOU WANT???
Ziolkowski Buffalo, NY
James, you really recite those Bush speeches well. You’re
so well trained we’re surprised you didn’t use the phrase
“cut and run.” We guess, as a veteran and all, you don’t care
that Murtha represents the views of the generals in Iraq.
But hey, what would generals know about a fucking war, right?
Better to go with a gaggle of CEOs who never served and couldn’t
give a damn about a couple thousand dead paupers. The only
source you have for your bullshit is the White House press
office. Your theories come pre-discredited. What you call
waffling or changing one’s tune is better known as “learning.”
Try it sometime.
SLEAZY LITTLE BASTARDS?
I appreciate you printing the full text of my letter on the
My letter was motivated by critic Michael Gildea’s demeaning
comments on Miss Fanning in his review of the film. While
he refers to Fanning’s performance as that of a “consummate
professional,” I’m sure Dakota would love to know that he
calls her a “f-----g werewolf” who has icewater in her veins
and is a machine to make her parents rich.
As my letter clearly showed, I quoted Fanning’s line from
the film, “Please don’t treat me like a little kid!,” because
of its emotional impact on me and everyone else in the theater.
My eyes were not the only wet ones following that scene. Barbara
Walters, in her ABC-TV special, “Barbara Walters Present the
10 Most Fascinating People of 2005” (11/29/05), selected Fanning
as one of them and presented a film clip from “Dreamer” featuring
the exact same quote as in my letter. Walters and I are both
in praise of the young star.
mind good-natured ridicule of any letter that I write. However,
is the commentary that followed publication of my letter in
the BEAST (issue #89) and the title in bold letters above
it some kind of sick joke? [Yes, obviously – Ed.] Or
is this standard procedure for the BEAST? [Ditto – Ed.]
What is this nonsense about “coded language” in my letter
and the FBI (I assume that stands for F-----g Bastards Incorporated
and not the Federal Bureau of Investigation) calling me a
nutcase, pervert, loner, or pedophile? The final disgusting
paragraph in response to my letter in the BEAST made me want
to throw up. Since I am a gentleman, I cannot find words to
express my feelings when I read them.
For the record and in response to the beastly piece of crap
published in the BEAST, may I say that I am a hard-working,
law-abiding, God-fearing, patriotic, pro-family man who, most
certainly, harbors no “latent pedophiliac tendencies.” Being
a senior citizen, at age 65, I have never been arrested for
anything in my entire life including, God forbid, pedophilia.
I love family films and actor Kurt Russell and I both believe
“Dreamer” will become an American family classic.
paragraph in critic Gildea’s review of “Dreamer” is the most
despicable I have ever read. In it, he states that Dakota
Fanning is “a living example of everything wrong with the
US today.” I say hogwash! The opposite is true. On the other
hand, the unnamed people who provided the BEAST with faulty
information on my character are a perfect example of everything
that is wrong with the BEAST today. I demand an apology and
retraction of the unadulterated tripe that followed publication
of my letter in the BEAST. The title above my letter and the
commentary that followed below it are abominable and beyond
contempt. Shame on you. Shame on all of you.
I have no “fixation” with Miss Fanning. The point of my original
letter was that she is a terrific actress and “Dreamer” is,
as anyone who has seen the film will agree, a wonderful family
film. In conclusion, I will ask the sleazy little bastards
at the BEAST and at the FBI one simple question. How does
a senior citizen, with 38 years of dedicated public service
and no criminal record, wind up in some FBI file indicating
that person has a propensity for criminal activity? I’m no
nutcase, pervert, or loner, but, thanks to the derogatory
commentary in the BEAST, I have become one angry old man.
That anger clearly comes through in this letter. Hopefully,
it will subside with time.
course it will, Robert; you’ll be dead soon.