The BEAST: America's Best FIend

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

WHO WOULD JESUS CENSOR?

hey ian

wanted to make sure you got the new ad

I got a letter in the mail today –

it reads

is this advertising really helping?

is it helping american children?

this is only 1 article !

refers to the shit list - unborn babies highlighted among others

of course no name or address

thought you would enjoy that

postmarked rochester

otis

Well Otis, it is well known that the primary driving force behind most advertising is a desire to help American children. On the plus side, we may not be children, but we are very immature.

UNA-BITCHER STRIKES AGAIN

hey, this is the owner of the Indian store Sree that advertised with you. I anonymously received two ripped out pages from your latest issue about the al jazeera artcle and he highlighted your e mail address. just wondering if the asswipe sent in an editorial about my store???

let me know, thanks

Donna

Apparently, Donna, some busybody in Rochester has taken upon himself or herself to tell our advertisers that they advertise in our paper. Hey useless, why not take a break from wasting your life trying to shut people up and, like, feed somebody, or teach them to read—something Christian like that?

FLYING OFF THE RACK

It seems we have fan of the beast here. They like it so much they took every copy all at once. I guess they want to read it over and over. Bring more please.

We've been getting a lot of complaints and phone calls about you guys lately. Have I been missing something? I just tell them to call you, and that it's a free country (kind of), and not to read it if they don't like it.

Keep up the great work,

niko

That’s just our PR department, Niko. They’ve got this crazy idea that if they stir up enough controversy, we’ll become famous and successful, like Howard Stern or Donald Rumsfeld. Is it working yet? Either that or it’s a certain someone we wrote a certain article about last issue (hint: it’s not Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito). Either way, it just makes us look good anyway. If anybody catches someone doing this, give him a big, asphyxiating squeeze from us. Thanks a bunch, you thieving, suppressive asshole! (Not you, Georgiadis.)

IT IS WHAT IT AIN’T

Dear Al,

My favorite part of your “Al Jazeera Cancelled”: “But probably the most conclusive evidence that we wanted to bomb Al Jazeera is the fact that we bombed Al Jazeera. Somehow, to me, that seems a good indicator of whether Bush wanted to bomb Al Jazeera.”

This is the “purloined letter” or “hide in plain sight” principle: “Who are you going to believe—me, or your lying eyes?” Compare W and Condi’s assertions that we never have and never will torture with this public Department of Defense autopsy report on a 47-year-old Iraqi detainee: “An examination of the neck structures revealed hemorrhage into the strap muscles and fractures of the thyroid cartilage and hyoid bone. According to the investigative report provided by U. S. Army CID, the decedent was shackled to the top of a doorframe with a gag in his mouth at the time he lost consciousness and became pulseless. The severe blunt force injuries, the hanging position, and the obstruction of the oral cavity with a gag contributed to this individual’s death. The manner of death is homicide. [omitted name], CDR, MC, USN, DMO/FS, Chief Deputy Medical Examiner.” http://action.aclu.org/torturefoia/released/102405/

Say, do you think it could be a homicide?

Happy holidays, and may you not become pulseless in the new year.

Jim

Dammit, Jim, that’s “merry Christmas!” Get it right! It’s incredibly important! 96% of Americans celebrate Christmas, and they need constant and exclusionary affirmation, or they may forget. A pulseful New Year to you.

OFFENDED RACIST

whats is this wop shit did u rite it or one of the filthy kike contributors

AVA3070

Ay, bambino, whaddayou problem, ah? The woppa piecea, she written by Mario anda Chef Boyardee, no? Whya you usea dis word, ‘kike,’ ah? This isa offensive stereotype-a, capeesh? Whatta the Jews ever do-a to you, eh? Rompicojóni!

BRIDE OF KONG

Dear Beast paper,

thank you for this thing called the Beast. It makes living in Buffalo more

bearable than you'll ever know.

a female monkey

It must, since we’ve never known it to be bearable at all.

LINCOLN THE ANGRY READER

Dear Editor,

Regarding Kevin Lieber's suggestion that you include his comics in your paper: Why not give him and other contributors a chance to showcase their work? It certainly would be the most democratic approach (featuring the work of multiple, homegrown talents). And so what if his work doesn't meet your standard for humor? Shit, look at Bob the Angry Flower. That strip is mediocre at best and painfully unfunny at its worst (not to mention technically weak). Hell, you could even feature local artists' work on an interim basis and evaluate its success based on input from readers. Please consider this suggestion before concocting a clever and scathing response that will undoubtedly bruise my already fragile ego.

-Lincoln Shivers

Lincoln, what makes you think a “democratic approach” is in any way appropriate to a periodical? This isn’t a community bulletin board. We do give contributors a chance to show their work: contributors who don’t suck.

Actually, let’s give him a shot. On the offhand chance that you are not actually Kevin Lieber or a close friend of his, let’s have look at one of Lieber’s pieces:

We rest our case.

FAKERS’ DOZEN

To Uthman,

I wrote a little Christmas song about the Bush administration, maby you will like it. I'll tell you where I got the idea . I was hanging out in Nick's on South Park Ave. chatting with the waitresses and the regular "Twelve Days of Chrismas" came on the radio. I noticed how people try to follow the lyrics to this song, and I thought it would make a good foundation for a satirical twist. So here it is check it out.

George W’s Twelve Days of Christmas By Jonathan Quinn

[Redundant stanzas one through eleven removed for brevity – Ed.]

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

George W gave to me,

Twelve French men laughing,

Eleven torture chambers,

Ten commandments hung,

Nine Condis fibbing,

Eight holy rollers,

Seven cronies hired,

Six lies of telling,

Five no bid contracts

Four welfare queens,

Three oil wells,

Two fake wars,

And Dick Chaney on the TV.

Peace...

Jon Quinn

Thanks Jon, but that “nine Condis” thing brought back a traumatic dream we had last weekend after drinking ouzo and eating one of those microwaveable ‘rising crust’ pizzas…we guess you’d call it a “wet nightmare.”

HASTA LA VISTA, TOOKIE

Dear Gov. Schwarzenegger:

Loved your movies. The test question is: How do you end murder? Obviously, the answer, "By murdering", is incorrect. I don't care if Tookie was guilty. You, nor the state of CA, nor anyone else on this planet, deserves the right to say if this human being's life is worthless. Nor will you make a difference at all by killing one more sorry loser. Nor have you given any real weight to the possibility that a) Tookie really was innocent as he claimed, or b) Tookie really had undergone a personal reformation. There are several shadows of doubt in this case. The largest being whether there is a brain in your head or a heart in your breast. But there is no shadow of doubt that you are now a murderer. Is there no room in the law for forgiveness? You have rendered his book's anti-gang message totally impotent, and made the book a mere collectors item for those who seek to own morbid artifacts of our society of cannibals. You have perpetuated the image of the state as a racist institution, opening the door to more racist backlash. And you have exposed yourself as another typical polititian, no more advanced in your comprehension than Conan. He was a barbarian. You are too. You had a chance to make a statement about the compassionate, reasoning nature of the rule of law, but you chose to perpetuate the stone-age. I would like to suggest that you step down and go back to making movies, where you can take directions and not have to worry your pretty head about issues of substance. And for the crime of the murder of Tookie Williams, your sentence shall be a lifetime of making movies with Jerry Falwell as your only co-star, with all proceeds going to the perforated rectum research institute.

Enjoy the elections!

Rick McGirr

Hey Rick, not to make light or anything, what do you think Arnold would have said to Tookie just before the lights went out?

“Remember when I said I’d grant you clemency? I lied.”

“I’ll be back. But you won’t.”

“Tell Jesus I said happy birthday.”

Okay, that’s enough.

MURTHA WASHINGTON

John Murtha, no one ever heard of this Rep. Democrat from PA. before he said that the American troops are 'broken' and he wants them home now.

This guy waffled like many Democrats do, but to say our troops are broken is crazy. Murtha is a 37 year vet. from the Korean and Vietnam war, and did support the war, even as a Democrat, but since the elections will be coming in '06 and '08 he's changing his tune.

Also liberal Democrat John Kerry Mass, said that our troops are kicking in the doors of women and children and scaring the hell out of them, and other false BS accusations.

I hate liberal democrats who are just thinking of their political agenda over our troops and the American people.

This is a war on terror. A war better fought there, then our the streets of our American cities.

Early withdrawal will mean defeat and cowardice on our part, and will give a green light to the terrorists that we don't have the guts, will and patients to take them on.

The evil terrorists will then attack us again and again here, on our American soild killing thousands of us.

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT???

James Ziolkowski Buffalo, NY

Wow, James, you really recite those Bush speeches well. You’re so well trained we’re surprised you didn’t use the phrase “cut and run.” We guess, as a veteran and all, you don’t care that Murtha represents the views of the generals in Iraq. But hey, what would generals know about a fucking war, right? Better to go with a gaggle of CEOs who never served and couldn’t give a damn about a couple thousand dead paupers. The only source you have for your bullshit is the White House press office. Your theories come pre-discredited. What you call waffling or changing one’s tune is better known as “learning.” Try it sometime.

FBI: SLEAZY LITTLE BASTARDS?

Dear Editor:

I appreciate you printing the full text of my letter on the movie “Dreamer.”

My letter was motivated by critic Michael Gildea’s demeaning comments on Miss Fanning in his review of the film. While he refers to Fanning’s performance as that of a “consummate professional,” I’m sure Dakota would love to know that he calls her a “f-----g werewolf” who has icewater in her veins and is a machine to make her parents rich.

As my letter clearly showed, I quoted Fanning’s line from the film, “Please don’t treat me like a little kid!,” because of its emotional impact on me and everyone else in the theater. My eyes were not the only wet ones following that scene. Barbara Walters, in her ABC-TV special, “Barbara Walters Present the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005” (11/29/05), selected Fanning as one of them and presented a film clip from “Dreamer” featuring the exact same quote as in my letter. Walters and I are both in praise of the young star.

I don’t mind good-natured ridicule of any letter that I write. However, is the commentary that followed publication of my letter in the BEAST (issue #89) and the title in bold letters above it some kind of sick joke? [Yes, obviously – Ed.] Or is this standard procedure for the BEAST? [Ditto – Ed.] What is this nonsense about “coded language” in my letter and the FBI (I assume that stands for F-----g Bastards Incorporated and not the Federal Bureau of Investigation) calling me a nutcase, pervert, loner, or pedophile? The final disgusting paragraph in response to my letter in the BEAST made me want to throw up. Since I am a gentleman, I cannot find words to express my feelings when I read them.

For the record and in response to the beastly piece of crap published in the BEAST, may I say that I am a hard-working, law-abiding, God-fearing, patriotic, pro-family man who, most certainly, harbors no “latent pedophiliac tendencies.” Being a senior citizen, at age 65, I have never been arrested for anything in my entire life including, God forbid, pedophilia. I love family films and actor Kurt Russell and I both believe “Dreamer” will become an American family classic.

The third paragraph in critic Gildea’s review of “Dreamer” is the most despicable I have ever read. In it, he states that Dakota Fanning is “a living example of everything wrong with the US today.” I say hogwash! The opposite is true. On the other hand, the unnamed people who provided the BEAST with faulty information on my character are a perfect example of everything that is wrong with the BEAST today. I demand an apology and retraction of the unadulterated tripe that followed publication of my letter in the BEAST. The title above my letter and the commentary that followed below it are abominable and beyond contempt. Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

I have no “fixation” with Miss Fanning. The point of my original letter was that she is a terrific actress and “Dreamer” is, as anyone who has seen the film will agree, a wonderful family film. In conclusion, I will ask the sleazy little bastards at the BEAST and at the FBI one simple question. How does a senior citizen, with 38 years of dedicated public service and no criminal record, wind up in some FBI file indicating that person has a propensity for criminal activity? I’m no nutcase, pervert, or loner, but, thanks to the derogatory commentary in the BEAST, I have become one angry old man. That anger clearly comes through in this letter. Hopefully, it will subside with time.

Sincerely yours,

Robert J. Parton

Of course it will, Robert; you’ll be dead soon.