2005 proved to be a year of overwhelming natural
disasters, international aggression, violence, terrorism and deadly
celebrity meltdowns. Will 2006 be another vicious year of extreme
weather? Will 2006 bring reason, or continued psychopathic behavior
in US culture, politics and the television appearances of Tom Cruise?
Will we see the continued rise of the American police state? Will
Brangelina tie the knot? Are we approaching the end of days? Will
you find true love? All of these amazing truths and more have been
revealed to me in a cosmic, Zoloft-induced trance. If you are fainthearted,
or easily startled, I implore you –READ NO FURTHER! And if you dare
–prepare to be amazed!
Recently elected liberal president of Bolivia Evo
Morales will be pressured to conform to a World Bank/IMF economic
model. His stubborn refusal will cause him to suffer a “severe depression,”
and shoot himself in the head 15 times.
The U. N. will officially report a state of genocide
in Sudan’s Darfur region. The release of the report will be delayed
several years over debates in comma placement.
In a desperate effort to stop us from destroying
the world, Canada and the EU will cooperate in an “education relief”
effort, dropping millions of easy-to-read pamphlets outlining the
main points of our constitution and legal structure over America’s
heartland. Nobody will read them.
Israel will use US supplied weapons and intelligence
to bomb several Iranian underground nuclear facilities in mid March.
In an unrelated story, a fourth grade social studies teacher will
accidentally mispronounce “Israel,” and face international condemnation.
China’s rise as a global economic superpower will
slow, somewhat, as I boycott their cheap- ass, malfunctioning lighters!
87-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens
will fall ill and retire. The first nominee to replace him, Goliath
the claymation dog, will encounter unexpected controversy and resistance,
despite the president’s vigorous defense of his “outstanding record
and fortitude of character. ” The Terrorists will strike at any
The NSA’s domestic spying program will continue
unabated, revealing important terrorist secrets, such as Dennis
Kucinich’s highly guarded tofurkey recipe.
Packs of rabid, Mexicanized Chihuahuas will threaten
hundreds of Southwestern taquerias.
Christopher Hitchens will debate Anna Nicole Smith.
The topic: Who is the biggest drunken whore? No clear victor will
The US Gulf coast will once again be battered with
a series of powerful hurricanes; the experienced Michael Brown will
spring into action, consulting FEMA on the proper wine complement
for duck a l’orange.
The debate between evolution and intelligent design
will forever be settled in a highly rated televised knife fight
between televangelist Benny Hinn and a Kevlar-plated silver back
After a space mission safely returns with a cargo
of dust from a comet 400 million kilometers away, it will be launched
again by NASA’s newly appointed Evangelical Christian Director in
an epic, fruitless search for Lemon-Fresh Pledge and paper towels.
A worldwide pandemic of bird flu will be a lot more
fun than people think.
Tech stocks will lag, partially due to disappointing
sales of the new Apple iPod micro, a 500 gigabyte mp3 player that
cannot be seen with the naked eye.
The second coming of Christ will receive surprisingly
meager publicity, due to a scheduling conflict with the season finale
of “Desperate Housewives. ”To revive interest, Jehovah will write
a sordid tell-all follow up to the bible, titled “On the Eighth
Day I Invented three-ways. ” Kabbalah will see a decline in membership,
as it is revealed to be just as, if not more retarded as every
A vision of the Virgin Mary will appear in the wood
grain of Judge Joe Brown’s gavel, and subsequently file suit for
2006 years of back child support.
Hinduism will gain traction in the US from the popularity
of a new Showtime series, “The H Word.” Somehow this show too, will
be little more than an excuse to show chicks making out.
The al Qaeda movement will suffer a significant
setback when one of its members finally reads the Koran and informs
his friends that “there’s nothing in here about exploding yourself.”
Mormons will still creep everyone else out a little.
Rampant US ethnocentricity and tightened border
security will lead to a drastic rise in shaggy lawns and the use
of paper plates in the nation’s restaurants.
You will have your pension diverted to a 401K plan
that will benefit the wealthy and lower your standard of living.
You reclaim your financial independence by penning a critically
acclaimed dog food cookbook.
Bob the Builder will be laid off and take to felching
Oscar the Grouch to feed his children and pay the bills.
Billionaire Richard Branson will fail to construct
a space shuttle large enough to house his ego.
A gay Norwegian gymnast will have to sign confidentiality
agreement in order to have sex with Tom Cruise.
As result of a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction,
one of Keith Richard’s petrified testicles will be briefly exposed
and turned to dust by a stiff breeze during the Super Bowl half
time show. Thousands will be hospitalized for inhalation of toxic
nut dust (ITND).
Oprah Winfrey’s ratings will plummet after she spends
an entire show eating a 25-pound wheel of sharp cheddar cheese while
Madonna’s ass will make headlines yet again, when
it applies for Social Security Disability insurance.
Success of the original, and pronounced global warming
will spur the release of a sequel to the hit film March of the
Penguins, entitled Swimming of the Penguins, for Months at
a Time, as They Die Horribly by the Hundreds, Drowning from Exhausted
Little Wings and Absence of Dry Land.
Shocking photos will emerge of a well- groomed Bigfoot
kanoodling with a bikinied Jennifer Aniston. “Sasquatchifer” will
captivate the nation’s imagination, but the hideous creature will
have its heart broken when Sasquatch leaves her for someone “who
isn’t such a tight-ass. ” The Family Circus will still suck.
Donald Trump’s hairpiece will spontaneously achieve
sentience viciously attack Barbara Walters on live television.
In increasingly absurd attempts to emulate black
culture and “keep it real” in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, thousands
of suburban white teens will adopt a new trend of floating facedown
in pools of stagnant filth.
Gay will be the “new black.” The “Hoover flag” will
see a wide resurgence.
The zoot suit will see continued popularity among
You will unwittingly perform a flawless rendition
of John Cage’s 4’33” while eating a loaded steak hoagie.
You will continue to disappoint those around you.
You will buy a new calendar.
You will find true love; unfortunately, you will
also find true genital warts.
You will be incessantly harangued to pay back Sallie
Mae, Capital One and Jesus for that time they did you a solid.
” Despite your own admissions to lack talent, and anything resembling
humor or wit, your NBC sitcom writing contract will be renewed.
You will feel betrayed and incensed to learn Carlos
Mencia is in not Mexican, but is in fact Honduran!
You will learn the true meaning of Secretary’s Day.