Hello my dearest Aquarius and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Aquarius, have resolved to not only expose but also rub your gigantic boobs all over my face. You have truly evolved into a higher state of being, Aquarius, by realizing that your new year's resolution should be more about helping others to live their dreams and achieve their goals, thus bettering oneself.

Hello my dearest Pisces and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Pisces, have resolved to form a Color Me Badd cover band. I'm not really sure why you have made this a life goal but, I suppose the upside is that you will not need to learn an instrument and only have to memorize about two songs. May the stars light your path, Pisces, and when you perform "I Wanna Sex You Up," you do it with everything you have, Pisces…everything.

Hello my dearest Aries and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Aries, have resolved to stop crying after each time your priest gives you a hand job in the confessional, and I say breathe deep the air of self-confidence and you shall achieve you goal. Once you accept yourself for who you truly are, nothing shall stand in your way. The odd thing is that you go to confession to rid yourself of the sin of getting a hand job in the confessional, which inevitably leads to another hand job, but that's something for another time.

Hello my dearest Taurus and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You have resolved to stop drinking a liter of bourbon every evening and beating the shit out of your wife and kids. This is a good goal for you to achieve, Taurus, but keep in mind that switching to a liter of gin won't be the solution. You will need to go cold turkey, Taurus, and I recommend you do it soon because your wife has been watching the Lifetime channel and is starting to imagine the benefits of covering you in gasoline and setting you aflame while you slumber. I would have to say that giving up the hooch is the better option.

Hello my dearest Gemini and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Gemini, have resolved to finally save up the money and buy yourself a mail-order bride. The goal you have set for yourself is a noble one, Gemini, and to help you in your quest I recommend goodwife.com for all of your wife shopping needs. There you will be able to access a vast database of potential soul mates and can even sort them by ethnicity (Latinas are all the rage these days) and age. I'm sure you will also find the "add to cart" option a handy tool. You have chosen the path of love, Gemini, and the stars will gladly light your path.

Hello my dearest Leo and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Leo, have resolved to begin drinking a liter of bourbon every evening and beating the shit out of your wife and kids. I'm not sure where you are going with this, but I think you're missing the point of a new year's resolution. Maybe you should rethink your goal and donate some canned goods or something because the drunk and abusive husband/father idea is just plain bad. Just some food for thought, Leo.

 Hello my dearest Virgo and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Virgo, have resolved to stop beating up the retarded kids in the bathroom during their weekly visits to the library and try to find a more positive outlet for your energy. This is a good idea Virgo; maybe instead of beating up retards you could help them find some fun books with lots of pictures. Turn it around, Virgo, before you pick on the wrong 'tard and discover that some are unusually fast, unusually strong and unusually angry. Just an FYI.

Hello my dearest Libra and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Libra, have resolved to convince your pregnant girlfriend to resolve your dispute by having a paternity test done on the Maury Povich show. Your hope being that you are not the father and will be able to do a dance around the studio in celebration. This resolution demonstrates what a complete piece of shit you truly are, Libra, and your existence makes a strong argument for post-birth abortions.

Hello my dearest Scorpio and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Scorpio, have resolved to switch from wearing briefs to boxer briefs. I like it Scorpio; it's not too much and not too little. You're committing to the middle and that's ok. Go with God my son.

Hello my dearest Sagittarius and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions and personal goals. You, Sagittarius, have resolved to stop being a pedophile and find a more meaningful activity. This is good, Sagittarius, and the Stars have indicated that the best hobby for you to move onto is shooting yourself in the face with a 12-gauge shotgun, you wretched piece of shit. If you have any problems finding a shotgun or pulling the trigger I will be glad to assist you. Just give me a jingle.