HEY REPORTERS: STOP REPORTING THINGS  

I think the editor's for the NY Times should be brought up on charges of treason. The editor's of that paper are giving out 'TOP SECRET' information on our governments intelligence gathering methods, and what we are doing to prevent further acts of terrorism in the United States.   They have released information about our secret wire tapping of individuals who are communicating overseas, and could be making terrorist plots against our country.   The New York Times has also released information concerning our use of radiation detectors around Muslim areas, such as mosques, where possible dirty bombs can be constructed and used against our country.   Why would they do that? Because of their hatred for our President George Bush. The New York Times, and other papers, would rather put America and the citizens of our country at risk, because of their own left wing liberal agenda.   I find this disturbing and appalling.   Enough is enough. I ask the left wing liberals to stop their actions now, and to stop putting American lives at risk because of their own politics.  

Jim Z. Kaisertown  
Ten year Navy vet. disabled

All right, Jim, we give up. Your baseless, panicky appeals to fear have convinced all of us left wing liberals to stop our sinister plot to improve your standard of living. Just one thing: why would the Times hold the story back for over a year, if their plan was to hurt Bush? Oh, and how fucking stupid would a terrorist have to be to think the NSA didn’t listen to al Qaeda phone calls? Oh, and why would it matter to them whether a warrant was obtained to do so? In other words, in what actual, concrete way did the NYT story aid the country’s enemies, unless you think they include the Democratic party? Oh yeah, one more question: why do you have such a hard-on to live in a fascist plutocracy with an intimidated press? Oh yeah, because you love freedom.

BRAVE AND CHEAP

The Beast is just too cool...

Thanks for being brave and free...

Jeff Hartzer

You’re welcome, Jeff. Now send money.

DON”T TEMPT US

Dear Beastiarians:

I googled myself for a lark today and discovered that I am not on the Web all that much, no surprise, but that I am on your website somewhere, in that I signed my real name to a letter I wrote suggesting a change in you "most loathsome" list.  Unfortunately, the link that came up took me to the current [sic] page, and not to the one where my letter appeared.  That led to a lost morning going to each issue online and to its [sic] page to search for my name, all to no avail.  Are your online [sic] pages incomplete? Was my search? I also tried downloading the pdf, but that is so slow even with a decent connection that it is not worth it without knowing which issue.  The google entry only hinted at your reply, and I really want to find if I have had a new one ripped by your delightful sarcasm for all of Buffalo and your online fans to read.  I would appreciate it if you could tell me where I appeared, as this is my first published letter ever.  A direct reply would be more useful than publishing this one.

By the way, I should not say the morning was entirely wasted, as I read much of you excellent publication while searching.

Hunter Van Valkenburgh

A direct reply might be more useful, Hunter, but publishing this one is more obnoxious. You can see our dilemma.

FINNEGAN’S BEATDOWN

Oh my gosh BuffaloBeast,

1.  I just watched a video called "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison and I was momentarily nostagic until i realized that there was no audible or discernible backlash against a shit song like that.  Therefore, a bunch of political science public policy wankers from the 80's who could not muster a reasonable argument for decent music are now crafting PR leading 19 year olds into war.  Fuck every single one of you dipshits who thought that song was cool.  I know that you are Republicans who now love the Lord and fear left-wing influence on your precious troglodyte children....but i hope you know that i know that you know that I know that you are a bunch of limpdick hairspray fags from '85.  Die a slow death of leprocy, please.

2. Lately I've seen a lot of Buffalo mutts with a great-grandfather from Ireland claiming to be Irish and therefore having an opinion on things like "the Troubles" in Northern Ireland.  I even heard one quasi-Irish volleyball playing suburban fag at the Sidebar busting somebody's balls for being English.  The English person was an octaganarian from Australia visiting UB with her husband on a speaking tour....an old lady fer chrissakes!  This retard, after bragging that he was  "1/4 Irish and 3/4 hungarian" proceeded to make fun of this perfectly nice woman's dentures and bum hip, was set upon by me and another real irishman from south buffalo who informed him after shoves that no irishman would ever make fun of an old lady at a bar.  He kept asking her how long she was in "his country." It was only in deference to a very generous bartender that this person is not in a Hungarian coma.

"Irish" guys:  No true Irishman would be an American Republican unless his ancestors were landlords from London. Your grandfathers came here to work in coal mines and HAD TO FIGHT "patriotic" policemen and factory-owner paid military guardsmen for fair wages.  Otherwise you'd be making Mexican wages.  So fuck off.  Daddy Warbucks built BIG FAT WALLS AROUND THE COUNTRY CLUB to keep your freckled drunken ass out.  The only Irish Catholic president had his brains blown out on national TV...read between the lines you peasants.  PS: Nobody from Buffalo who never sat at the Irish Center on Abbot Road on Friday night while their grandmother savored corned beef should claim to be Irish. You never do what an Irishman would do anyways so fuck off.  Naming your kid Molly or Finnegan or some shit doesn't help.

Sidebar asshole: If you are reading this and want to settle up: every Friday, same place...bring "your boyz" at your leisure.

Working Families Vin

Vin, if this is some viral marketing promotion for Sidebar, it’s working.

CHRISTMAS CAROL O’CONNOR

This is coming to you courtesy of those X-mas sales going on these days.  Try singing it for full flavor.

Mohan's 12 Days of Christmas

One the 1st day of Christmas, Kindel said to me:

1 Go back to your country.

2 This is for white people.

3 You stupid Rag head!

4 I'm not really racist.

5 Go fuck yourself!

6 Let's eat some cows.

7 Do you wear dresses?

8 We all speak English.

9 We're all equal.

10 Jump in the Ganges.

11 Go puff your hookah.

12 Take me to your guru.

Ho Ho Ho         

,M Porch  

The funny thing about Kindel’s exhortation to Satish Mohan at the recent Amherst town board meeting that “we have rules in this country” is the implication that they don’t have procedural rules in India, a British-modeled common law democracy. But it was even funnier to watch those two pretend to be friends for the cameras last week. We thought they’d break their molars while shaking hands, they were smiling so tight. You could practically see the thought bubbles over their heads. Then again, maybe that was the mescaline.

SATURATION ADVERTISING BACKLASH MANIFESTATION

Billy Fucillo
Fucillo Chevrolet
Grand Island, NY
December 9, 2005

Dear Billy:

I have paid close attention to your radio advertising in the past two years. As a veteran researcher and writer, I decided to study your advertising and found many subtle yet alarming allusions to male homosexuality. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I am sure that as a family man and car dealer, you are not aware of the deeper, more subversive meanings in your broadcasting work.

Here are some examples:

1) Tom Park is the "spokesman" who is always talking about Billy (you), another man, in a loving, heroic voice. He praises you as if you are Adonnis.

2) Your main message to your audience is "huge" which has obvious phallic (penis oriented) and sexual undertones, yet, in the context of two men talking to each other all the time on the radio, with no women present, homosexual references abound. You always say "huge" but have never identified what "huge" actually means. The radio listener might be led to believe it means huge discounts or huge volume, but, I assure you, listeners are hearing something different. .

3) The "crowd" that can be heard in the background may be intended by you to be a message to the audience that there is always a large number of customers at the dealership. Yet what it really communicates is a Roman amphitheater where well-oiled, half-nude men wrestle each other and animals-again gay messaging.

4) The constant references to Grand Island. Phallic.

5) Your billboard and bus advertising--gigantic pictures of you that have your groin area in the center. Need I say more?

There are hundreds more instances and references in my study. These are just a few. I just wanted to make you aware of the real messages you are communicating to Western New York. So, I recommend that you either add some hot chicks or come out.

Sincerely,
Ed "Glad" Nordstrom
Buffalo, NY

Ed, you might think you’ve really ‘skewered’ Fucillo, but we feel we’ve learned far more about you than the “huge” man here. Does every Rorschach test you see just happen to look like two guys humping? Besides, Fucillo is far too slovenly and unsophisticated to be gay. Tom Parks? We can see that.

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM COMMANDER CRAZY

In about 1972 an American journalist suddenly became the only audible mental telepath in human history, and the United States of America immediately established a system of torture-enslavement of him in response.

During the years since that torture-enslavement began that journalist, Virgil Kret, has constantly said there is a purpose for his telepathy other than to make him America's torture-slave; and as proof he has documented in advance news event after news event for over 30 years, including the great tsunami disaster of a year ago.

The telepathic newsman's reports can currently be viewed at Blogstream.com.  The title of his blog is The Obituary of the World.  The following is his report for December 27, 2005.

-0-

Fleeing In Time

Like a moment in Time fleeing from now or then or when, we watch the moment of the death of this Earth rushing toward us.

Me?  I am waiting for news; and, you?, you do not yet realize that what is left out of the news is what is going on.

Like a soldier in a hole under fire, I am waiting for the moment to make my move.

You've been there, perhaps, the tracers like fire from a fire hose; and you know that gunner is going to have to stop sooner or later or his barrel will melt; and you calculate your state of Grace; you judge the moment when you can step over your grave and get to another hole; then you make your move.

There has been a lot of talk in the news about the first anniversary of the great tsunami, but no talk of how I documented that massive calamity in advance so perfectly.

My readers knew it, my readers including NBC; but NBC killed that story just as it kills all stories about my successes.  Let me look at a dirty picture and the whole world knows, let me name the date of the greatest disaster in modern human history ten days in advance and it is of no interest.  It is as if this work is but a scoreboard of imperfections to be watched, not the clock of Doom tick-tick-ticking away.

America's torture-enslavement of me should have been ended so many times, just for the quality of my work if not for decency's sake.

My work includes, but is not limited to, reporting the tsunami in advance, reporting 9/11 in advance, reporting Challenger in advance, reporting a dozen air crashes in advance, reporting three presidential assassination attempts in advance, reporting the murder of John Lennon in advance; reporting the Jonesboro school shooting in advance; but none of that was more important than my neighbors' right to torture me to death; just as a silly schoolgirl, my landlady's great-grandchild, tortures me to death at this moment as I write these words.

Did you notice that the big earthquake at Bam, Iran, took place on December 26, 2003; and the great quake/tsunami took place on December 26, 2005?  Coincidence?  Believe that if you like, until the flames begin to crackle around your toes and there is no more time for false beliefs, false hopes, false hearts and false presidents.

Just for the fun of it, consider the closeness in latitude between the two quake events, see Bam as the sound of the gun and see the great quake/tsunami as the bullet hitting exactly two years later.  That is your Doom, snickering.  Do you know that in my advance documentation of the quake/tsunami I used a bull's eye as my metaphor?

The code in that pinpoint documentation was Bingo-Zero.  Your masters can look it up for you in my work of that time.  I cannot show it to you because your masters destroyed the Internet site that work was on.   You steal life from me; your masters steal life from you; your masters commits suicide.

If you draw a mental line from the quake site in Iran to the quake site just off Indonesia, perhaps you can picture that line as a crack in this egg, this Earth.  From this egg will be born a Phoenix of fire; but you, Dear Reader, are but microbes on this egg's shell.

By all means, obey your masters and continue to torture me to death.

A long, long time ago, well, about 25 years ago, I asked God where God was gong to hit you.  God said, "Right between the eyes."  Hmmm?  Iran-Indonesia; and I always figured it would be between Iraq and Iran.  Yet another example of my imperfection.

-0-

I am beginning with today's report a series of classified ads.

Due to irregular heartbeat caused by the intense torture I have undergone at this residence in Atascadero, California, I have had to give notice and must leave by January 3.

So yet again the United States of America has driven the Telepath from his home.  For America, now ass-deep in Hell, this is some kind of cowardly victory; for the Telepath, now 66 and living on heart medication, this is a real pain in the ass.

I am looking for a country or a state or a community that will give my asylum from America's tyranny.  That means a place where there will be no false witness against the existence of my audible mental telepathy and the history of America's persecution of me.  I have a car and a passport and money to get there; but once there I never want to move again.

Virgil Kret

Normally we wouldn’t recommend this, Virgil, but have you tried the Church of Scientology? You ought to fit right in over there. By the way, you’re a paranoid schizophrenic in serious need of treatment.

Just kidding! What you’re missing is that the space war is being directed by a nefarious Hollywood/Pentagon shadow government, acting at the behest of  a Masonic cabal ensconced at the weights and measures division of the National Institute of Standards and Technology, run by Barbara Bush, Regis Philbin,  H. Ross Perot and Grand Emperor Scott Bacula. They spend most of their time monitoring your activities, as well as those of a man in Poughkeepsie who has been mistaken by locals for a gibbering hobo. The only hope for the earth’s survival is that you find this man and defeat the NISTians with your united powers of hallucination. But beware: many obstacles will impede your quest. Good luck; we’re all counting on you.

No, really you’re nuts. Get help.