THE BEAST PAGE 3
DISGRUNTLED BOVINE

Name: Pajarito ("Little Bird")

Turn-ons:
Hemingway, Pamplona,
vital organs, tequila, Richard Moll, hot
pants, Bull Durham, teats.

Turn-offs: Picadors, PETA, Brokeback Mountain, Mad Cow Disease, Mexicans and TrimSpa.

How I got to be the Beast Page 3 Disgruntled Bovine: I grabbed myself by the horns and leaped into the stands at Mexico City's bullring. I was the first bull to do that! I injured seven of those bloodthirsty bastard spectators and even gored one stinking puta right on her chest. It all went so splendidly until I was stabbed to death by a matador.

Future Plans:
Well, most likely my mangled remains will be distributed to poor Mexicans for bull steak, bull stew, bull sausage, bull burgers, chocolate covered bull tail, snout pudding and lots of Jell-o. It's also possible my ample testicles will be cut off and mutilated by the citizens of Mexico City as symbolic revenge for my transgressions. But I hope my courageous act of defiance will spur other bulls to reclaim their lives, if only momentarily, and strike fear and their horns into the black hearts of bipeds.

How I'd like to be remembered:
As "Pajarito the Puta Impaler." And for my impeccable hygiene..

 


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"Balanced" news is making you more stupider.
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Come Frey with Me
Advance excerpt from James Frey's new "memoir."
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Belly of the Beast
An inexplicable adventure with Al Gore.
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Planet of the Apes
The promise of an animal society.
The Monkey
Ask an NSA Spook
He's always listening....
Lighting the Fuse
Stop waiting for Democrats to solve your problems.
Stan Goff
Mad Science
Corruption is threatening science, too.
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Stupor Bowl
Are you ready for some duuuhhh?
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Reader Opinion
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Last Issue: #91

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.
The Year in Ephemera
Our 2005 Timeline.
Andrew Gullerstein Predicts!
Iron-clad predictions for the new year.
What's Going On
You just don't know, do you?
by A. Monkey
Buh-buh-buh-bye, Sharon-a
What you won't be hearing this week about Ariel Sharon
by Paul Jones
Mine Shaft
Undermining mine safety
by Kit Smith


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