Iím ListeningÖ

Advice From an NSA Spook

Dear Spook,
I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now, sadly weíve only been able to meet in person about a dozen times. Needless to say, when we finally do get together our built up passions run wild. In between those sparse meetings, we often resort to phone sex. The other night she started with the dirty talk, and I told her I wanted to take a bite out of her fantastic ass. My cell phone must have broken up or something because she insists, I said fat ass. She is very sensitive about her weight, and now she refuses to receive my calls. †How should I handle this?
-Misunderstood in Missoula

Dear Misunderstood,
Iíve listened to the tape several times now, and I have to admit; it does sound like you said fat. And after looking at Julieís file photo, Iíd have to agree with you. To make a long story short, dump the pig.


Dear Spook,
I am a single mother raising five children, ranging from 3 months to 18 years old. I thought I was doing a good job, but last week while doing a load of laundry I found marijuana cigarette rolling papers in my oldest sonís pants pocket. He claims they belong to his friend, and he only uses them for tobacco, but something doesnít seem right. I have never stooped to snooping around in my childrenís rooms, but the curiosity is killing me. I have tried to instill values in my children, like respecting the privacy and property of others. I would feel like a hypocrite going through his things to find out what heís been up to. Please help me.
-Dying to Know in Detroit

Dear Beverly,
Being a single mother is tough, and finding out what teenagers are up to can be even tougher. As a concerned parent, you have every right to go through your sonís room, but you mustnít assume that your other children are either above reproach or beyond scrutiny, no matter how young. I advise you begin a comprehensive monitoring program on every one of your children, everyone they know, anyone they have ever come in contact with and the entire state of Michigan, just to be safe. Ask for Bill at Verizon corporate headquarters, he should be able to help in protecting your family from the immediate risk of a tragic drug overdose. Good luck!


Dear Spook,
Iím a journalist for a prominent national newspaper, a paper of record, letís say. Anywho, I have recently become privy to certain administration secrets that may further damage their credibility. I feel the need to be open with the public, but at the same time, I feel beholden to the president. What should I do?
Not Sure in New York

Dear Not Sure,
Hey, go nuts! Spill the beans! Just donít be surprised if everyone you hold dear dies in a series of freak accidents. Or you know, maybe you should keep your fucking mouth shut. Well, at least until after the next election.


Dear Spook,
Bush says 9/11 could have been prevented if the illegal domestic wiretapping program were in place in 2001. But phone calls were already recorded the day before indicating that the attack was about to go down; they just werenít translated in time. Not to mention the ďBin Laden determined to strike in USĒ memo your former boss, Condi Rice, dismissed so flippantly.† How the hell can Bush make such an obviously false claim? Isnít he just lying?
Miffed in Minneapolis

Dear Miffed,
Thatís pretty tough talk, for a family man who spends at least an hour a day in his den checking out websites like ďbigblackstuds.com and ďgay4pay.net.Ē

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