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I’m
Listening…
Advice From
an NSA Spook
Dear Spook,
I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now,
sadly we’ve only been able to meet in person about a dozen times.
Needless to say, when we finally do get together our built up passions
run wild. In between those sparse meetings, we often resort to phone
sex. The other night she started with the dirty talk, and I told
her I wanted to take a bite out of her fantastic ass. My cell phone
must have broken up or something because she insists, I said fat
ass. She is very sensitive about her weight, and now she refuses
to receive my calls. How should I handle this?
-Misunderstood in Missoula
Dear Misunderstood,
I’ve listened to the tape several times now, and I have to admit;
it does sound like you said fat. And after looking at Julie’s file
photo, I’d have to agree with you. To make a long story short, dump
the pig.
Dear Spook,
I am a single mother raising five children, ranging from 3 months
to 18 years old. I thought I was doing a good job, but last week
while doing a load of laundry I found marijuana cigarette rolling
papers in my oldest son’s pants pocket. He claims they belong to
his friend, and he only uses them for tobacco, but something doesn’t
seem right. I have never stooped to snooping around in my children’s
rooms, but the curiosity is killing me. I have tried to instill
values in my children, like respecting the privacy and property
of others. I would feel like a hypocrite going through his things
to find out what he’s been up to. Please help me.
-Dying to Know in Detroit
Dear Beverly,
Being a single mother is tough, and finding out what teenagers are
up to can be even tougher. As a concerned parent, you have every
right to go through your son’s room, but you mustn’t assume that
your other children are either above reproach or beyond scrutiny,
no matter how young. I advise you begin a comprehensive monitoring
program on every one of your children, everyone they know, anyone
they have ever come in contact with and the entire state of Michigan,
just to be safe. Ask for Bill at Verizon corporate headquarters,
he should be able to help in protecting your family from the immediate
risk of a tragic drug overdose. Good luck!
Dear Spook,
I’m a journalist for a prominent national newspaper, a paper of
record, let’s say. Anywho, I have recently become privy to certain
administration secrets that may further damage their credibility.
I feel the need to be open with the public, but at the same time,
I feel beholden to the president. What should I do?
Not Sure in New York
Dear Not Sure,
Hey, go nuts! Spill the beans! Just don’t be surprised if everyone
you hold dear dies in a series of freak accidents. Or you know,
maybe you should keep your fucking mouth shut. Well, at least until
after the next election.
Dear Spook,
Bush says 9/11 could have been prevented if the illegal domestic
wiretapping program were in place in 2001. But phone calls were
already recorded the day before indicating that the attack was about
to go down; they just weren’t translated in time. Not to mention
the “Bin Laden determined to strike in US” memo your former boss,
Condi Rice, dismissed so flippantly. How the hell can Bush make
such an obviously false claim? Isn’t he just lying?
Miffed in Minneapolis
Dear Miffed,
That’s pretty tough talk, for a family man who spends at least an
hour a day in his den checking out websites like “bigblackstuds.com
and “gay4pay.net.”
Send questions to the NSA Spook by picking
up any phone, anywhere!
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