Lovely Aquarius, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Aquarius, because you are a redhead with giant breasts and, well, I like that. You consider yourself a rock singer and I listened to your music, and may I just say that you have magnificent boobs.


Pisces my friend, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Cancer because from your photo I would have to say if you're not a terrorist you sure are going out of your way to look like one. What the fuck are you thinking? Keep this shit up and they are going to put you in one of those camps and make you take pictures…Bad pictures. Find another way to draw attention to yourself Pisces, before you aren't allowed to see sunlight for three years.


Hey there Aries, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Aries, because you are a really hot Goth chick and you have many photos of yourself in black leather dirty whore outfits. The Stars indicate that you should have a series of photos taken of you wearing just black panties and lingerie. Some photos with the vampire makeup on and some without, just to cover all the bases. It is the only way to overcome your dilemma of all those itchy itchy clothes, Aries. If you complete this task you will benefit from a personal astrological reading from yours truly the next time I am in Los Angeles.


Hi Taurus, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Taurus, because your pictures indicated that you are attempting to be Hippie Nerd-Cool with those thick-framed rectangular glasses and the well-manicured stubble beard. Of course my suspicions are that you are really a douche-bag, since I noticed that you proudly state in your profile that you are a "Ovo-lacto Vegetarian" as well as a "songwriter." Basically what you are saying, Taurus, is that the Hippie-Poet thing wasn't getting you laid and you decided to switch up. Holy shit do you suck, Taurus, you poser asshole. I hope a group of angry Vegans beat the shit out of you and then jam organically grown vegetables up your ass.


Hello Gemini, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Gemini, because you are a hot rocker chick that shows her cleavage right in the initial profile photo. It was only a sign of things to come, my dear, and please allow me to take a moment to say that it was a good idea to sit back spread-eagle and straddle that guitar. I don't even care if your musical skill is that of a head-wound victim with metal hooks for hands. I would listen to you play all night. I can even get past the fact that you are Canadian. The Stars bless you, Gemini, and may you soon pose nude for a tasteful men's magazine.


Cancer my friend, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Cancer, because you are claiming to be Keanu Reeves and have hundreds of people (mostly chicks and gay men) posting well-wishes and praise to your profile. I'm not sure if you are a demented fan or just a whacko trying to get laid, but either way you blow. However, Cancer, on the off chance that you actually are Keanu Reeves, I feel the need to tell you that you are a very shitty actor and the last two Matrix movies really sucked ass. Every time you make a movie a star dies and becomes a black hole in space.

Leo my friend, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Leo, because you're fat, Asian, live in the Philippines and have a photo of yourself humping a tree as well as a photo of yourself standing in front of a McDonald's drive-thru menu. You have a good soul, Leo, and a good sense of humor. The Stars wish you well. Just one thing Leo, stay away from that really hot chick that has been flirting with you at work. She wants to ruin your life.


Virgo, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Virgo, because you are an ugly chick who thinks she is hot and that is bad. You can use a giant fire hose to apply all the makeup you want, but it isn't going to change the fact that you fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down. Not acknowledging that you are ugly makes you just as bad as fat people who wear spandex. I know there were a few guys that told you that you were hot, but did any call you after the blowjob? The prosecution rests.


My dear Libra, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Libra, because you are a white guy pretending to be a black guy. You need to stop doing that immediately. You look and sound ridiculous, and that black dude that comes in to buy coffee from you every day is really thinking about kicking your ass.


Sweet Scorpio, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Scorpio, because holy shit are you hot! The Stars direct you to take more photos atop the mechanical bull…in panties.


Sagittarius, in order to keep up with the times, the Cosmos has indicated that I must open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Sagittarius, because you obviously think you look like Jack Black, call yourself the "Pirate King" and like to "thrash" on your acoustic guitar. Man are you a total dipshit. I think you and Taurus should hang out and trade stories about not getting laid.


Dear Capricorn, the Cosmos has realized that in order to stay hip and fresh it needed to keep up with the times and communicate its great wisdom in a more high-tech manner. I was ordered to open a Myspace.com account and seek you out. I chose you, Capricorn, because you are self-deprecating and funny. You also led me to a host of pictures involving celebrity nipple slips. The Stars bless you, Capricorn.


 


Balance, Bias, & Bullshit
"Balanced" news is making you more stupider.
Allan Uthman
Come Frey with Me
Advance excerpt from James Frey's new "memoir."
Chris Riordan
Belly of the Beast
An inexplicable adventure with Al Gore.
Ian Murphy
Planet of the Apes
The promise of an animal society.
The Monkey
Ask an NSA Spook
He's always listening....
Lighting the Fuse
Stop waiting for Democrats to solve your problems.
Stan Goff
Mad Science
Corruption is threatening science, too.
Kit Smith
Stupor Bowl
Are you ready for some duuuhhh?
Paul Jones
Reader Opinion
Why only one foreign Nation Downtown?


Last Issue: #91

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.
The Year in Ephemera
Our 2005 Timeline.
Andrew Gullerstein Predicts!
Iron-clad predictions for the new year.
What's Going On
You just don't know, do you?
by A. Monkey
Buh-buh-buh-bye, Sharon-a
What you won't be hearing this week about Ariel Sharon
by Paul Jones
Mine Shaft
Undermining mine safety
by Kit Smith


e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com

 
 

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