Don't Kill Me
(I Had Nothing to Do with This)
you are upset by the images you see in this issue of The BEAST.
They are distasteful and disrespectful to your beautiful religion
and peaceful worldview. Mohhamomed was a great man and prophet,
and does not deserve to be insulted like this. When he changed his
name from Cassius Clay, I supported the decision and thought his
punches actually packed a greater wallop with the force of Allah
the staff meeting when it was decided that we, sorry, The BEAST
would include these images as a testament to free speech and our,
I'm sorry, their, huge balls, I vehemently opposed the idea. "It's
not right!" I yelled. "What is the point of inciting violence
and disrespecting one of the best boxers that ever lived?"
not want to die. Not yet anyway, and not at the hands of an offended
Muslim. I want to freeze to death when I am 83 years old. Please
do not kill me or burn down my apartment. Kill only the editor and
the cartoonist. Kill the publisher, too. He once smoked a joint
on the steps of City Hall and announced his political candidacy
in the NUDE! His circumcised wiener was floating in the wind,
directly under Allah's watchful and disapproving gaze.
it would be better if you didn't kill any of us and just did what
the Christian conservatives did to Brokeback Mountain: ignore
us. We will go away. I promise.
really, if you are going to kill someone, I don't think it should
be me. I thought zealot was pronounced to rhyme with with "deal
it" and not "pellet." That's how little I complain
about your devotion to your faith.
to sum up: please don’t kill me. This wasn’t my idea. I think you’re
just peachy. That’s not offensive, is it?