WHAT A LOOSER

your right it's time to tear down the two bedroom house of cards [Stan Goff, “Lighting the Fuse,” issue #92]. Today only a few are called to open the eyes of the many that are loosing the little they  have.  We that see the truth must lean quickly how to make a lot of noise, and wake up our neighbors.  Unlike 95% of the population that believes that they are above average I understand that I am not.  The party of the rich, by the rich, for the rich must be brought down or we will loose our country.  Daily I quietly bash the republican machine and when asked if I am a democrat I just say no.  The republicans have no morals and the dems have no balls.

The time has come to fly the flag upside-down.  But it's not just the war that they lied us into - they have broken promises, created laws to make criminals out of those who would challenge them, emptied the treasury, taken from the poor and given to the rich, ....

Light that fucken fuse - I understand that unjust power burns in a spectacular fashion, and remember the sun is always largest just before it sets.

Dave
Oak Creek, WI

good-bye; have a good life.
bye bye miss american pie - if you are right all shit is going to break loose soon.

Why Dave, are you on laxatives?


ANOTHER RECRUIT

Dear evil Editors,

 the article Lit my fuse and I'm ready to explode, it's as if Mr. Goff was channeling my thoughts and feelings

I am in total agreement. Lets bring down the curtain on those who steal, lie, and cheat (politicians). Repub/Dem alike no difference, they all live for the status quo, representing only there own sorry asses.Since for most ordinary people the pain isn't great enough for them to get off their anesthetized butts I don't expect pitchforks in the street, but this American is ready to fight. If you need help call me, Thanks.

Kenny Wolf, Wantagh NY

Nah, Kenny, that’s cool; you can save the world yourself. We’re tired today.


FROM BAD TO WORSE

I have been thinking within the past few weeks since the dems did not filibuster Alito . . . why am i sticking to this do nothing party?????  I said to myself . . . look into becoming a Green.  Could you tell me how I do that????  I mean I am 62 years old and have been a Dem forever.  How do i make the switch.  I live in Wisconsin . . . what do i do to get involved with the Green party at the grassroots action level?

I am so sick of the spineless Democrats that I could p - - e!

Sincerely,
Judith A. Toor

We really wish we could recommend the Greens, Judith, but they intentionally avoided conflict with the Democrats in the last election, proving themselves to be the non-confrontational hippie wusses we always knew they were. No, what we need is a new party altogether, eschewing the off-putting patchouli aroma that “Green” inevitably evokes. Maybe a different color? The Black party? Too scary? Oh, how about the White party? We could walk around chanting, “White pow”—oh shit, no. Wait—we’ve got it! The Free Blowjobs party. With a name like that, we’ll take over within months! Even if we lose, we’re bound to have a good time.


DEEP DODO

Great Piece of Meat.

Keep slammin em,  I've been trying for years now and they ain't listnen. Were are in deep dodo with this drunkin sot of a pres, and they let these idiot media crap on them when they are on CNN, or any other talk show.   

ole vet

Seems like that would get better ratings than Neil Cavuto.


HARI KERRY

I've said (privately, to my husband) everything I read from you today.  My hope is that a third party can be created which will cause the Dems to lose even more.  Maybe it will take a few election cycles, but eventually the sweet music of defiance and questioning of authority will catch on. 
How can I help?
Kate Broer

Step 1: Get rid of the husband.


WELLSTONED

You gotta understand................

Being adverse to the administrations intent after 9/11 was harmful to a pols health. Paul Wellstone's accident ("his plane crashed in a snow storm with no snow") left a bad taste in most republicrats mouth's. "Well I think I'd be safer just to back this Iraq freedom thing".

Nailset06

You’re not alone, Nailset: 69% of Minnesotans blamed “a GOP conspiracy” for Wellstone’s crash. We remember the day well, because we were near the crash site when it happened. We found this cool-looking device called a “Northrop Grumman Electromagnetic Pulse Emitter Gun” that fell off the back of a NORAD truck, but when we pulled the trigger, it didn’t do anything, so we put it down and kept walking. The next thing you know, BLAMMO!


SPIT SHINE

Your recent piece about the fallacy of "balance" [Allan Uthman, “Bias, Balance, & Bullshit,” issue #92] hit the proverbial nail on the head. I agree that this disturbing trend is a result of corporate media consolidation rather than any reflection of ideology; it's just a convenient method for controlling the terms of any debate. We can all thank Clinton for the that - "the Great Triangulator's" gift to us all. If anything THAT is the thing we should forever hold his feet to the fire over.

Otherwise I love the Beast and your uncompromising 50 Most Loathsome list is an absolute tonic. You always reference certain "unassailable" personalities that so deserve to be pilloried. (Thomas Freidman for instance). Your statement about Rove, "A greasy pig whose only distinction in life is his total lack of decency", is almost poignant in it's simplicity yet absolutely true. And as far as "balance" is concerned it seems to me that you've included several sacred cows of the left including Hillary, Jesse Jackson, Oprah. You've included Michael Moore in past lists, who seems to be the the go-to guy for whipping up phony republican outrage. Anyway good work. I appreciate what you are doing.
Thom Waters

Thanks, Thom. Now please remove our balls from your mouth.


AIMING FOR NORMAL

Re: Bias, Balance, & Bullshit

An absolutely splendid piece.  I'm going to become a regular reader.

  --Howard D. White

Thanks, Howard. What kind of reader were you before?


CONFIRMING THE PREMISE

   Dear Mr. Luthman,

         I came accross your website recently.  After reading the titled article [Bias, Balance, & Bullshit], I had to respond to it. The premise of your long-winded, nonsensical viewpoint is so far left that any reader comes away dismissing you as just another looney radical left wing nutcase.

         If your webpage was more centrist, I think I could actually find myself reading it occasionally. But in it's present wacky form, it ain't gonna happen. Enjoy the Kool-Aid.

Jim, NC

Exactly, Jim; exactly.


ELLIPTICAL DOWNER

You hit the nail right on the head...I could never figure out this " he said...she said...he said..she  said...." and that is the extent of the issue...this is absolutely insane...of course there are no absolute truths...but there are ABSOLUTE LIES....and why should these be represented alongside known facts...in a debate...this is surely figured out by the Conservative Think Tanks as the way to go...and so it  is...and so the public swallows it...and so...the country is going down the drain.....
JZ

Wow…what…..an….interesting…..observation…..


WHY BOTHER

Re "Bias, Balance and Bullshit"...an absolutely outstanding piece. Thanks for writing it, but I fear that your's is a voice crying in the wilderness. Right-wing bias is now pervasive and firmly entrenched, and I think it will be very difficult to change that, at least in the short term.

Bob Rose

Gee, Bob, you’re right. We give up.


SHARE MY DELUSION

How can a human being live with the amount of venom you people have in your blood stream. I earnesly pray for you.

The way things are going it won't be long for the world to be dominated by people who won't allow you to put out this kind of destructive material and perhaps not even exist. For your sakes don't try to post a cartoon of Mohammed. You can be tracked down...

Your brand of "satirical" destructive freedom can be be your own demise. I truly wish the very opposite for you and for the sake of my eight healthy, handsome and intelligent grandsons. At 62, extremely healthy, and living  a wonderfully blessed life,  because of my faith I am looking forward to dying. This world holds no attraction to me. If I am wrong and the God of the Bible does not exist I have lost absolutely nothing.

May the Lord Jesus bless you as much or more than I desire him to bless my loved ones.

Paul Inacio
Pensacola, FL.

Hey, thanks Paul! Maybe now we can get into heaven without doing anything stupid like give a crap about fairy tales. You have not lost nothing, Paul, you have lost the dignity of a person who knows the difference between real and make-believe. But if you’re cool with that, then go with God, gramps. Oh, and about that cartoon—you’re too late.


NATION-AL DEBT

Beasts,
As a dutiful, smartass, pissed off leftist, I subscribe to The Nation, and find it a useful source of facts with which to pillory conservative co-workers and family. Of course, they would never let actual facts dissuade them from their righteous, rightest ideology, but it’s fun watching them get all bombastic and apoplectic. That, however, is beside the point.

The cover illustration on the issue dated Feb. 20th fairly leapt off the page. Genius! GOP Scandal trading cards! déjà vu! I’ve seen this someplace before! Oh yeah. In the Beast. (It was funnier the first time…) Congratulations! I was a bit surprised that I didn’t find any acknowledgement of the Beast as the origin, but what do I know? They say great minds think alike, and, of course this must be the case.

Can an international bar-dak be far behind? Think they’re hiring? Keep up the good work.

P.S.: If it’s not too personal, just where do you get those tongues sharpened ?
pfremming

Home Depot. Those mom & pop tongue-sharpening places are just too pricey in this global economy.


ANOTHER MURDOCH CASUALTY

 While I agree with many of your choices, the totality of your list exposes "The Beast" as a left wing radical group. Your credibility is compromised when your readers recognize this and understand your views are not "fair and balanced".  To assign Bill O'Reilly the #10 spot, one behind the BTK killer says it all. Too bad, I think "The Beast" could have been interesting.
Jim
N.C.      

Tsk tsk, Jim—didn’t O’Reilly warn you to stay away from the far left liberal smear merchant websites? Shame on you! Now your perfectly empty mind has been forever tainted by exposure to critical thought. You might as well donate your life savings to George Soros, saving just enough for a lifetime subscription to the far left New York Times! Next time, just play it safe and don’t read anything. Except Bill O’Reilly’s books, of course! He’s so great. Couldn’t you just kiss him? What a hero!


TOO CLEVER TO LIVE

Be still my bleeding heart.  Since New Year's I've been doing the Sunshine-State Shake in my sandals down here, indeed for the entirety of Jan and on in to Feb, allthewhile entertaining frightful notions regarding the continued lack of your publication in my PO Box.  Whereas I was hoping The Powers That Be hadn't smote you with an unfair Fahrenheit, I more feared a smaller They had culled and confiscated my most combustible monthly periodic parcel to a government cinerarium […] Chaddering I had one lone wish:  you had taken the money for my subscription and ran, ran for office collectively as a thoughtfully-tanked Oligarchy of all media (King Stern having retired to his castle in the sky).  I resorted to checking the mail once a week.  But then finally Volume #91 arrived.  (My arms outstretched)  "There is a Beast!"

I blame #90's most excellent Holiday cover which had so tickled my fancy I immediately ripped it off at the spine, and after standard-bearing it over to my kitchenette I cornered its frame with four refrigerator magnets (of a 3D Niagara Falls, the bipedal Geico lizard, a Bills buffalo and a seated puppy of labradorian mixture) for maximum viewage-potential right to the fridgedoor for every hungry visitor to be unseasonably greeted by.  Indeed the light does go out behind the closed door, for it was on the reverse of the front page where I should have been warned about you guys going on hiatus, had I not been on my bread-alone diet resolution.  I resolve now to take down the rest of my decorations, as soon as I get back to the mainland and off of this desert island.

Cayo Costa, florida state park, nice place.  The Beast fits comfortably in a beach bag.  Were you aware you can now plug your laptop in to wireless-equipped conch shells on most barrier islands in the coastal county.  This particular little piece of paradise is just a stone's throw from the Bush family's favorite resort island of Gasparilla (named after a pirate, if that doesn't take it), not really a stone's throw per se, more like:  you could launch... an... um... er... a Frisbee, or rather you couldn't launch one, not all of the way across the big mouth, I mean Boca Grande.  (This was around where he, Our Chance-seller, was when it all went down.  He fishes down here, that catcher of men, has been known to be into the whiskey and rye.  Now I know a few dolphins...)

snowsquaw @ Fort Myers FL

Dear Snowsquaw,
Look, baby, we can’t lie to you anymore—we’ve been seeing other readers. Don’t feel bad; you’re cute and everything—it’s just that we’re no good with these long-distance relationships, you know? Besides, now that we’re really talking, your puns can get kind of oppressive. Come on, “Chance-seller?” Yecch.

We still love you; we just need a little time. We’ll be back in two weeks to roger you expertly once again.


RATIONAL RESPONSE

Shut your fucking mouth you anti-Jewish racist [B-b-b-bye, Sharon-a,” issue #91]

btw - neither Sharon nor did any Israeli soldier commit the massacre at Shatila, those were Lebanese Christian Phalangists. You better read your history

The election victory of Hamas is an utter disaster for the Palestinians as well as Israel; they just committed suicide by electing a terrorist group. This is completely unacceptable to Israel. Israel will probably have to utterly defeat this Islamic fascist threat politically and militarily. Israel will not stand idly by. With Hamas committing most of the homicide bombings of innocent Israeli citizens, Israel will severely punish these murderers who bribe the Palestinian people with social services. The Arabs are trying to take apart Israel piece by piece what they could never hope to win in war. Israel must assert its muscle and take back the so-called "occupied territories" and expel the Arab occupiers, the "Palestinians” from Israeli soil.
[…]
Adolf Hitler got to power by an overwhelming "democratic" majority. This is prove and outstanding example of the tragically misleading of "democratic" voting, if basic rules of mutual collaboration and acceptance are not observed.
[…]
For years the Jews all over the world have been screaming that the Pals goal is to wipe out the Jews and today’s election results bear that out. The Pals chose a group whose goal is the destruction of Israel - way to go Pals. Is it a bad thing - on the face of it yes but in reality no? It will prove Israel is and has been right all along and maybe the threat of war will finally get the egg heads in the Israeli government to finally say ENOUGH, and banish the Arabs once and for all. The "peace process" so far has just been a slow bleeding of Israel, militarily, economically and territorially. Its time to stop it. Its time to turn Gaza into Dresden or Hiroshima. Both Germany and Japan stopped hostilities after those events - now its time for Israel to do the same.

David Sanaman

Funny; last week we were “liberal Jews.” At the risk of dying in a hail of bullets, David, we’d remind you that a number of elected Israeli leaders were admitted terrorists. PM Menachem Begin, for instance, ordered the King David Hotel bombing, killing 91 people, mostly civilians, oh and he was ecstatic about the Deir Yassin massacre of over a hundred Arab civilians. So when it comes to legitimizing terrorism via elections, the Palestinians are just playing catch-up.

Oh—right, what were we thinking? Only Muslims can be terrorists, otherwise this whole “War on Terrorism” thing just gets too complicated. Still, that’s smart policy, endowing any single Palestinian with the power to declare war for his entire people.  Hey, if you really want to drop a nuke on the Palestinians, go nuts—we’re sure that wall will protect you.


ALLAH DEFEATS JESUS

Hey Al,
Well, it's finally happened. I finally have to put Christianity on the back burner as my religion of choice for what ails the human race.

Sure, Christianity is responsible for the mass-brainwashing, and fanatical fervor that led us to our current state of shame to be American.

True, the nut sacks on high are more powerful then ever, just waiting to press the button in the name of The Lord Jesus H. Christ.

It is with certainty that one cannot walk to the store with out cringing at some Christian bullshit or another.

Yes...it's true...Christianity is a totally stupid religion.

But...alas...

You guessed it...Islam has finally officially surpassed Christianity as the Most Retarded Religion in the World. Not that Islam hasn't held it's own thus far in regards to being a goof ball religion, but man, with the way they have been acting of late, it's almost hard to use the arguement that their agression is the fault of American Imperialism.

Now the Dutch are the problem. The Dutch! A couple cartoons about their "prophet" and the next thing ya know, embassies are burning to the ground, and groups of bearded freaks are all dancing around together with signs about butchering Dutch people. Wow. Reeal Enlightened Religion.

I mean lets face it, the reason I still live in the U.S. is the fact that we can bust on Jesus all we want. In fact, I bet even Jesus would have a chuckle or two at the portrayals of him on South Park, or the Simpsons, if he existed, which he probably didn't.

Lighten up Islam,
You suck.

godmorgen

Islam and Christianity aside, godmorgen, for our money, Hindus have the most retarded religion. What the hell is going on over there, anyway? No—scratch that; Scientology, that’s the one. No, Kabbalah. The $15 “healing water” and $26 red string put them over the top.


FREEDOM TO LOSE

Gentlemen:
 In Issue 91's Buffalo in Briefs section, you decry the approval of the area's latest casino in Buffalo.  In your article, you first smear libertarians, and then smear free markets.  Apparently you think the casino as it is being built is an example of the free market run amok.  As any libertarian would tell you, the latest casino will be a government-permitted and a government-enforced monopoly business--the antithesis of a free market.  You then advocate allowing anyone in the city to buy a few slot machines or a card table and open up their own "Mom & Pop" casino.  I agree with you--that would be an ideal solution, would allow people that option of entertainment, and benefit the small "mom & pops" instead of heavily moneyed, politically-connected interests.  Ironically, if I were a smarter man, I would recognize your proposal for what it is--free market gambling.  Or--more frightening still--true freedom.

Aloysius P. Longfellow

Well sure, grating pseudonym, either gambling should be legal or not. The current situation with the Indians is just a lame maneuver for politicians to dodge their own state laws. But free market gambling can still be found in various homes and apartments in every neighborhood on any given day. Hope you like Texas Hold ‘Em. You’re free to lose your rent money to us anytime.


IRRITATION OF THE KUNZ

Could someone at the Beast please destroy this woman?  Please. After reading another one of her insightful columns I vomited a little, and proceeded to lose a few points on my IQ. I don't know why I continued to read after seeing her name at the top. Maybe I was just curious to see how much idiocy she could fit into that space. I'll include a link to the article, but to summarize she basically applauds the gradual reduction in her rights, finds no problem with forcing all of us to pay $50 for one of these new passports, and .......you know, I'll just include this direct quote:

"The onus isn't on us to keep terrorists from blowing up Niagara Falls."

I think it's time for another Most Loathsome Buffalonians, or maybe just an article on this waste of life, time, ink, paper, etc. Other than that I just want to say thanks for putting something out there that's hilarious and intelligent at the same time, and for ripping into local politicians and bureaucrats because no one else will.
Dmhall6

While she certainly deserves as much derision as this city can muster, Dmhall, for us the thrill is gone. Kunz’ work is so easily demolished, there’s no challenge in it, like beating up a malnourished hemophiliac child. Oh sure, it’s fun, but it gets boring after a while.


QUALITY HATEMAIL

Dear Assholes,
 It always amazes me when I read stuff like this that nobody has ever mashed your mush filled heads.with a cinder block just to see the ooze seep out of the cracks.

I "love" how you give Ted Kennedy, Micheal Moore, Nancy Pelosi and just about every other liberal out there a pass but you're super quick to condemn Republicans and Conservatives.  I guess that's what you get when you lack the mental wherewithall to actually be objective.  I'm an independent politically and the Democrats, or should I say Dumbocrats, are veering so far off to the left it makes voting for them practically impossible.  I'm not real thrilled with the Republicans promising to cut spending and then turning around and spending at an even more irresponsible rate than the Dumbocrats.  I will give this to to the Republicans, at least they're honest about not giving a shit about the poor.  Whereas Democrats, and especially liberals, are self-righteous whores whose "concern" for the "little guy" goes about as deep as your one centimeter dick into the Grand Canyon sized opening of Paris Hiltons' ass.

As far as your #4 selection goes, that is really laughable.  I'll bet you pricks are a bunch of altruists who spend 14 hours a day helping the poor and down-trodden.  Oh wait, that's right you're a bunch of unemployed, hateful, shitheads whose aggregate I.Q., if it were grains of sand, wouldn't be enough to fill the inside of fucking Cheerio.  You people are the reason why I'm pro-choice.  It must be nice to sit your fat, ugly, lazy asses on the sidelines and just hurl vemon at anybody you please without the fear of having someones' fist meet your nose forcefully about 20 times.

Hoping you all die a painful and slow death, 
Jennifer

P.S.  Fuck you and the cross-eyed whore that spawned you.

Oh, we’re employed, Jenny. We get paid to reveal you, in all your murderous ugliness and rote stupidity. Sure, you’re an “independent.” Right. Just like O’Reilly. Your “volunteer to help the poor fourteen hours a day or shut the fuck up and let them starve” argument is so sophisticated and irrefutable, we’re compelled to vote for Tom Delay in the next presidential race, but first we’re coming to your house to rip your face clean off your skull, you fucking worthless twat. We “love” how soulless cunts like you are unable to believe that anyone might actually care about poor people, because you really wish they would just die. We’re not all incapable of empathy, Jen; just empathy for you.

Laugh Riot
Protecting the World from Parody?
Allan Uthman
Xtreme Religion
A Faith-Based Initiative.
Ian Murphy
Deity Roundtable
The "Big 3" convene for a chat with us.
Paul Jones
Fundy Funnies
The only comics page for the pure of faith!
Color Me Tolerant
A BEAST Coloring Contest!
Please Don't Kill Me
A message from terrified Associate Editor Chris Riordan.
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah
'Special' Baptisms Lead to Several Drownings
I'm Feeling Monkey
What Google tells us monkeys. A. Monkey
Slaughter Sport
Cheney wasn't "hunting."
Kit Smith
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah


Last Issue: #92

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.

Balance, Bias, & Bullshit
"Balanced" news is making you more stupider.
Allan Uthman
Come Frey with Me
Advance excerpt from James Frey's new "memoir."
Chris Riordan
Belly of the Beast
An inexplicable adventure with Al Gore.
Ian Murphy
Planet of the Apes
The promise of an animal society.
The Monkey
Ask an NSA Spook
He's always listening....
Lighting the Fuse
Stop waiting for Democrats to solve your problems.
Stan Goff
Mad Science
Corruption is threatening science, too.
Kit Smith
Stupor Bowl
Are you ready for some duuuhhh?
Paul Jones
Reader Opinion
Why only one foreign Nation Downtown?


e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com

 
 

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