The BEAST PAGE 3 Imminent Legal Bitchslap Victim

Name: BlackBerry handheld

Turn-ons: Unalloyed greed, methamphetamines, Den of Thieves, coffee enemas, inferiority complexes, Tony Robbins, "The Office," inane marketing neologisms, fad diets, fascism, cold calling, butt Xeroxes.

Turn-offs: Shame, inoperable tumors, patents, human heartbeat/physical human contact, individuation, gnarled fingers, protectionism, Going Postal, Americans With Disabilities Act, boysenberries.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Imminent Legal Bitchslap Victim: Research In Motion, my Canadian maker, acquired my technology the old-fashioned way: stealing it from someone smarter. Now, my case is grabbing headlines because careerist American drones face infantilization in the likelihood of a court-ordered shutdown.

Future plans: Sitting at the bottom of my owner's briefcase, in my specially contoured pocket, listening to him sob incoherently and fully clothed in the bathtub. When he's confined to an asylum, I'm hoping his wife might discover me one day; tape a picture of his face to my darkened screen and adopt me as a sex surrogate.

How I'd like to be remembered: As that thing blindly competitive status junkies used just before cerebral chip implants.

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