The BEAST Guide to Quasi-Legal Parking

The number of parking tickets being administered on the streets of Buffalo have increased exponentially over the past year, causing a fuss in the local media, hurting our business districts, leaving drivers with less money for hookers and burdening police with remedial tasks which interfere with stopping serious crimes, like prostitution. Our editor has paid over $1,200 in parking tickets in the last year. This is a humanitarian crisis, and like a public restroom neighbor handing you the Scottissue, we’re here to help. Whether you’re lazy, incompetent or just despise bureaucratic extortion, we hope this handy guide meets your free parking needs.

Step #1. Use a pair of scissors to cut out the dummy parking ticket envelope provided to the right. If you do not have pair of scissors, using a straight edge slowly tear out along the dotted lines in an upward motion. If you do not have a straight edge, throw this entire paper high above your head, shooting around the dotted lines with either a .22 or .45 until the dummy ticket wafts gracefully to your feet.

Step #2. Simply go about your daily activities as you normally would, without heeding the complicated and demanding parking restrictions barking at you from both sides of the street. When parking your car in a prohibited or metered spot, slip the dummy ticket under your driver’s side windshield wiper (make sure no pigs or lying punk-ass snitches are around.) When returning to your “ticketed” vehicle, always remember to feign hysterical outrage. Try saying things like “dammit” or “Jesus H. Motherfucking Shitballs!”

Step #3. Enjoy a few days of free parking before the newsprint dummy ticket bleaches yellow in the sun, and tatters from moisture to the point of disrepair.

Step #4. If you park in the same general area regularly, the parking enforcement guy will eventually catch on. What a dick, right?

Step #5. If this doesn’t work and you get a ticket anyway, please don’t beat us up. Use the ticket instead, it will be much more realistic.