BEAST Guide to Quasi-Legal Parking
number of parking tickets being administered on the streets of Buffalo
have increased exponentially over the past year, causing a fuss
in the local media, hurting our business districts, leaving drivers
with less money for hookers and burdening police with remedial tasks
which interfere with stopping serious crimes, like prostitution.
Our editor has paid over $1,200 in parking tickets in the last year.
This is a humanitarian crisis, and like a public restroom neighbor
handing you the Scottissue, we’re here to help. Whether you’re lazy,
incompetent or just despise bureaucratic extortion, we hope this
handy guide meets your free parking needs.
#1. Use a pair of scissors to cut out the dummy parking
ticket envelope provided to the right. If you do not have pair of
scissors, using a straight edge slowly tear out along the dotted
lines in an upward motion. If you do not have a straight edge, throw
this entire paper high above your head, shooting around the dotted
lines with either a .22 or .45 until the dummy ticket wafts gracefully
to your feet.
#2. Simply go about your daily activities as you normally
would, without heeding the complicated and demanding parking restrictions
barking at you from both sides of the street. When parking your
car in a prohibited or metered spot, slip the dummy ticket under
your driver’s side windshield wiper (make sure no pigs or lying
punk-ass snitches are around.) When returning to your “ticketed”
vehicle, always remember to feign hysterical outrage. Try saying
things like “dammit” or “Jesus H. Motherfucking Shitballs!”
#3. Enjoy a few days of free parking before the newsprint
dummy ticket bleaches yellow in the sun, and tatters from moisture
to the point of disrepair.
#4. If you park in the same general area regularly, the
parking enforcement guy will eventually catch on. What a dick, right?
#5. If this doesn’t work and you get a ticket anyway, please
don’t beat us up. Use the ticket instead, it will be much more realistic.