This much is true
This Issue: an exciting look at the coming American police state and puppy rearing tips

This much is true: In January of 2006 the Army Corps of Engineers awarded a $385 million contract to Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root for the construction of detention centers in the United States. KBR has deemed the facilities necessary for “an emergency influx of immigrants into the U.S., or to support the rapid development of new programs.”

This much is true: It costs roughly $6,400 to raise a medium-size dog to the age of eleven.

This much is true: On February 4, 2006 the New York Times reiterated the aforementioned “new programs that require additional detention space.” No further information about said programs is available to the public.

This much is true: Dogs pant to regulate their body heat, but they also have sweat glands in their feet.

This much is true: Pentagon Papers dude Daniel Ellsberg commented on the KBR contract, “Almost certainly this is preparation for a roundup after the next 9/11 for Middle-Easterners, Muslims and possibly dissenters. They’ve already done this on a smaller scale, with the ‘special registration’ detentions of immigrant men from Muslim countries, and with Guantanamo.”

This much is true: The most popular breed of dog in the United States is the Labrador Retriever, followed by Rottweilers and German Shepherds.

This much is true: In 2002, Bush appointee to the U.S. Civil Rights Commission Peter Kirsanow said if there’s a future attack on US soil, “and they come from the same ethnic group that attacked the World Trade Center, you can forget about civil rights.”

This much is true: Large breeds should be fed twice daily rather than once to avoid stomach bloat.

This much is true: In June of 2003, the Office of Detention and Removal (DOC), operating under Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and ultimately the Department of Homeland Security, issued a 49 page strategic plan entitled Endgame. This documents states the goal of the DOC by 2012 is to “remove all removable aliens.”

This much is true: When left alone, veterinarians recommend leaving small puppies in the company of a wind-up clock to simulate the beating heart of its mother.

This much is true: From page 9 of the quaintly titled Endgame: “While the alien will not necessarily perceive any “benefit” from DRO services, he will be provided with safe and secure confinement in detention facilities, as well as transportation from ports and points along the border to other detention facilities or his country of origin.”

This much is true: Flea bites can cause tapeworms, which can also lead to anemia in your dog.

This much is true: From 1982-1984, fascist stalwart Oliver North helped FEMA implement Reagan executive order “Rex 84.” The contingency order called for “suspension of the Constitution” and “declaration of martial law,” giving FEMA supreme powers over national “crisis” and “violent and widespread internal dissent or national opposition against a US military invasion abroad.” [Emphasis mine]

This much is true: Puppies can get heartworms from being bitten by one infected mosquito. [Emphasis also mine]

This much is true: “A Miami Herald article on July 5, 1987 reported that the former FEMA director Louis Guiffrida’s deputy, John Brinkerhoff, handled the martial law portion of the planning [Rex 84]. The plan was said to be similar to one Mr Giuffrida had developed earlier to combat “a national uprising by black militants.” It provided for the detention “of at least 21 million American Negroes” in “assembly centres or relocation camps.” Sydney Herald, July 2002

This much is true:  Puppies are widely considered to be “adorable.”

This much is true: September of 2005, the Washington Post states that Karl Rove implored Louisiana governor Blanco to impose martial law “or as close as we can get,” to adequately deal with the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.

This much is true: Dogs can learn up to 50 words of any human language.

This much is true: In 2002, now representing the Anser Institute for Homeland Security, Brinkerhoff stated in a PBS interview: “The United States itself is now for the first time since the War of 1812 a theater of war. That means that we should apply, in my view, the same kind of command structure in the United States that we apply in other theaters of war.”

This much is true: The last chewing stage of most puppies occurs between 14 to 16 months.

This much is true: The Posse Comitatus Act was signed into law in 1878, prohibiting deployment of federal military personnel in a domestic law enforcement capacity.

This much is true: Puppies have 28 temporary teeth that erupt at about three to four weeks of age. They have 42 permanent teeth that begin to emerge at about four months of age.

This much is true: In April of 2002, the DoD created a new U.S. Northern Command (CINC-NORTHCOM) for the continental United States. Donald Rumsfeld lists the duties of the NORTHCOM commander as such: “homeland defense and also serves as head of the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD).... He will command U.S. forces that operate within the United States in support of civil authorities. The command will provide civil support not only in response to attacks, but for natural disasters.”

This much is true: Puppies experience a fear stage at 8-10 months. Any traumatic events occurring during this time frame may lead to a life of skittishness.

This much is true: In December of 2005, president Bush signed the Detainee Treatment Act, authored by Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), nixing habeas corpus by stripping federal courts of jurisdiction over “enemy combatants” detained at GITMO and elsewhere.

This much is true: Studies show that by age three, 80 percent of dogs exhibit signs of gum disease.

This much is true: Per the case of Jose Padilla, a US citizen branded an “enemy combatant” by Bush: In 2005, a South Carolina court ruled against the president’s legal authority to declare a US citizen an enemy combatant. Later a Virginia appeals court overruled, and currently the condition of who exactly can be labeled an enemy combatant is in limbo. The Supreme court has not yet decided if it will rule on the petition at hand.

This much is true: About 50 million dogs live in the United States, and the American Kennel Club recognizes 148 breeds!

This much is speculation: With the administration disregarding the constitution at every turn, breaking federal statutes by the hundreds and exerting heretofore unknown levels of executive power, could a future America feature internal dissenters branded as terrorists, who will be shipped off to domestic concentration camps? At the risk of preemptively sounding the wacko-conspiracy-theorist-loony-bell: yes. This could happen. These are scary times, hysterical times. For the past 5 years, the national agenda has resembled more closely the buildup of a totalitarian dictatorship than, say, the birth of ancient Greek democracy. So as people of dissent, are we justified in our fears? Fuck yes. Oh, and – while puppies can bring joy into your life, they also bring a lot of hard work and responsibility.

Stranger Danger
How I abandoned my principles and took over congress.
Allan Uthman
Arm or Leg?
John Stossel's Great Invisible Handjob.
Paul Jones
Spooks in the Machine
Rummy Zeroes in on the Internet.
Mike Whitney
Accidental Discharge
The Dangers of Playing Cowboy.
Stan Goff
This Much is True
The Impending Police State & Puppy Rearing.
Ian Murphy
F is for Fake
Payola Punks Flunk Science Reporting.
Kit Smith
From the Desk of Lucifer
A Compliant Letter from Hell.

The BEAST 7-Day News Forecast
Conservative Facial Hair Guide
Sponsored by the Iraqi Civil War Chess Set
Our Guide to Quasi-Legal Parking
Frustrated? We're here to help.

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.

Laugh Riot
Protecting the World from Parody?
Allan Uthman
Xtreme Religion
A Faith-Based Initiative.
Ian Murphy
Deity Roundtable
The "Big 3" convene for a chat with us.
Paul Jones
Fundy Funnies
The only comics page for the pure of faith!
Color Me Tolerant
A BEAST Coloring Contest!
Please Don't Kill Me
A message from terrified Associate Editor Chris Riordan.
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah
'Special' Baptisms Lead to Several Drownings
I'm Feeling Monkey
What Google tells us monkeys. A. Monkey
Slaughter Sport
Cheney wasn't "hunting."
Kit Smith

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