Terrestrial Tones - Dead Drunk (Amp Camp Records)

This cover does a good job of letting the prospective buyer judge the music contained on the album - it's total garbage. This is what happens when someone thinks that they are artistic just because they are abstract. "Oh, look at how I merge these colors together. Did you notice the contrast between the bright splashes in the middle and the dark colors on the edge?" Yeah, buddy, that's wonderful. It also looks like something a retarded toddler might create when getting into Mommy's watercolors. As basic as the band's understanding of art is their concept of poetry. Both the band name and the album title are nonsensical attempts at alliteration. Terrestrial Tones. Dead Drunk. This isn't nature music and it isn't good music to listen to when you're getting shitfaced. If you're going to make an album cover based on the album title, a more suitable photo would be of a teenage girl going through the windshield of a Volvo with a bottle of vodka in her hands. That's dead drunk.

The Notorious B.I.G. - Duets: The Final Chapter (Bad Boy Records)

I'm sorry, but this guy has been dead for over a decade now. Leave his corpse to the earthworms and maggots and stop putting out albums by him. I've never understood the mass appeal of Notorious B.I.G. - in fact, the only rhyme I can recall of his off the top of my head is "I see some ladies/in the place that should be having my baby/Baby." He also said something about how his "car go" fast and was carrying his "cargo." Can you imagine what the Hip Hop community would have done if someone talented like Nas had died in his prime? They would be erecting monuments all over the place and releasing yearly anthologies of his grocery lists. Still, the artwork on this album is pretty cool. The point of drawing a picture of an artist is to make him look better than he really does. Also, it’s not like they’re getting any new photos of Biggie. Not only is this a painting of a living creature, they made his left eye look aligned with his right instead of looking like it got the business end of a baseball bat during a drug deal gone bad. I hope this really is the final chapter in the commercialization of a mediocre rap talent.

Tony Bennett - The Art of Romance (Sony Music)

Now this is just a nice picture. Romance truly is an art form, especially when you have a nose like Tony Bennett’s. You can't rely on good looks or musical talent; you have to be all suave and shit. Look at that big witch's wart on his honker. It's huge, almost the size of the sun! You'd think the only way he could get a date is if he abducted a chick on his broomstick and took her flying over that pretty lake to the dark and shadowy abandoned lighthouse where he keeps his cauldron. Tony Bennett doesn't need to kidnap broads, though. He just dresses up in his tieless tuxedo, has Vidal Sassoon do his hair, and then lets the chick sniff his wallet until she wets her panties. What a romantic guy. Sometimes I sit in my apartment and just wish I was Tony Bennett. That old fart has so much game, I bet he gets more bitches than you and I put together and multiplied by Wayne Newton!