Operation Told You So
No one could have anticipated the Iraq disaster, except the 40% who did
Allan Uthman
Iraq or Iran?
Which are these pundits pushing to invade?
NSA's Big Rig?
Did the NSA help Bush steal the vote?
Bob Fitrakis
TV Highlights
Ian Murphy discusses "America's Next Top Model" with his penis
Gorilla My Dreams
The Monkey Does Drag.
The Nobel Nazi?
Scientist's Legacy gets Freedom Fried.
Kit Smith
Authorities Relieved Church Fires Were Joke
Josh Righter
Get Off Ma Land!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
Best of Buffalo?
Former Staffer Exposes Artvoice Reader "Poll."
Ready, Set, Gentrify!
Elmwood Village Hotel: Good Neighbor?
Erin-Go-Blah
What Adams Could Have Told Higgins.
Album Cover Reviews
A Skin-Depth Look at 3 New Releases.
Chris Riordan
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune told through harsh insults.
The BEAST Page 3 Improvised Explosive Cola
[sic] - Letters
Thievery, hoser supremacy, drowning retards and bad songcraft.

Stranger Danger
How I abandoned my principles and took over congress.
Allan Uthman
Arm or Leg?
John Stossel's Great Invisible Handjob.
Paul Jones
Spooks in the Machine
Rummy Zeroes in on the Internet.
Mike Whitney
Accidental Discharge
The Dangers of Playing Cowboy.
Stan Goff
This Much is True
The Impending Police State & Puppy Rearing.
Ian Murphy
F is for Fake
Payola Punks Flunk Science Reporting.
Kit Smith
From the Desk of Lucifer
A Complaint Letter from Hell.

  BEAST Album Cover Reviews
by Chris Riordan

Terrestrial Tones - Dead Drunk (Amp Camp Records)

This cover does a good job of letting the prospective buyer judge the music contained on the album - it's total garbage. This is what happens when someone thinks that they are artistic just because they are abstract. "Oh, look at how I merge these colors together. Did you notice the contrast between the bright splashes in the middle and the dark colors on the edge?" Yeah, buddy, that's wonderful. It also looks like something a retarded toddler might create when getting into Mommy's watercolors. As basic as the band's understanding of art is their concept of poetry. Both the band name and the album title are nonsensical attempts at alliteration. Terrestrial Tones. Dead Drunk. This isn't nature music and it isn't good music to listen to when you're getting shitfaced. If you're going to make an album cover based on the album title, a more suitable photo would be of a teenage girl going through the windshield of a Volvo with a bottle of vodka in her hands. That's dead drunk.

The Notorious B.I.G. - Duets: The Final Chapter (Bad Boy Records)

I'm sorry, but this guy has been dead for over a decade now. Leave his corpse to the earthworms and maggots and stop putting out albums by him. I've never understood the mass appeal of Notorious B.I.G. - in fact, the only rhyme I can recall of his off the top of my head is "I see some ladies/in the place that should be having my baby/Baby." He also said something about how his "car go" fast and was carrying his "cargo." Can you imagine what the Hip Hop community would have done if someone talented like Nas had died in his prime? They would be erecting monuments all over the place and releasing yearly anthologies of his grocery lists. Still, the artwork on this album is pretty cool. The point of drawing a picture of an artist is to make him look better than he really does. Also, it’s not like they’re getting any new photos of Biggie. Not only is this a painting of a living creature, they made his left eye look aligned with his right instead of looking like it got the business end of a baseball bat during a drug deal gone bad. I hope this really is the final chapter in the commercialization of a mediocre rap talent.

Tony Bennett - The Art of Romance (Sony Music)

Now this is just a nice picture. Romance truly is an art form, especially when you have a nose like Tony Bennett’s. You can't rely on good looks or musical talent; you have to be all suave and shit. Look at that big witch's wart on his honker. It's huge, almost the size of the sun! You'd think the only way he could get a date is if he abducted a chick on his broomstick and took her flying over that pretty lake to the dark and shadowy abandoned lighthouse where he keeps his cauldron. Tony Bennett doesn't need to kidnap broads, though. He just dresses up in his tieless tuxedo, has Vidal Sassoon do his hair, and then lets the chick sniff his wallet until she wets her panties. What a romantic guy. Sometimes I sit in my apartment and just wish I was Tony Bennett. That old fart has so much game, I bet he gets more bitches than you and I put together and multiplied by Wayne Newton!

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely

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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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