Operation Told You So
No one could have anticipated the Iraq disaster, except the 40% who did
Allan Uthman
Iraq or Iran?
Which are these pundits pushing to invade?
NSA's Big Rig?
Did the NSA help Bush steal the vote?
Bob Fitrakis
TV Highlights
Ian Murphy discusses "America's Next Top Model" with his penis
Gorilla My Dreams
The Monkey Does Drag.
The Nobel Nazi?
Scientist's Legacy gets Freedom Fried.
Kit Smith
Authorities Relieved Church Fires Were Joke
Josh Righter
Get Off Ma Land!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
Best of Buffalo?
Former Staffer Exposes Artvoice Reader "Poll."
Ready, Set, Gentrify!
Elmwood Village Hotel: Good Neighbor?
Erin-Go-Blah
What Adams Could Have Told Higgins.
Album Cover Reviews
A Skin-Depth Look at 3 New Releases.
Chris Riordan
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune told through harsh insults.
The BEAST Page 3 Improvised Explosive Cola
[sic] - Letters
Thievery, hoser supremacy, drowning retards and bad songcraft.

Stranger Danger
How I abandoned my principles and took over congress.
Allan Uthman
Arm or Leg?
John Stossel's Great Invisible Handjob.
Paul Jones
Spooks in the Machine
Rummy Zeroes in on the Internet.
Mike Whitney
Accidental Discharge
The Dangers of Playing Cowboy.
Stan Goff
This Much is True
The Impending Police State & Puppy Rearing.
Ian Murphy
F is for Fake
Payola Punks Flunk Science Reporting.
Kit Smith
From the Desk of Lucifer
A Complaint Letter from Hell.

  The BEAST PAGE 3
IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE COLA

Name: Pepsi can IED

Turn-ons: High fructose corn syrup, juvenile diabetes, juvenile dismemberment, people who care enough to recycle, a partner who enjoys spontaneity, romantic roadside fires and spending quiet nights at home curled up with a dog-eared CIA training manual.

Turn-offs: Freedom, root canals, the war crimes of Mr. Pibb, being confused with an IUD, German shepherds, stuck-up pentagon robots and the American pronunciation of aluminium.

How I got to be the BEAST Page 3 Improvised Exploding Device: As you can no doubt tell, I was once a modest vessel of delicious cola; I had no complaints. After that everything went downhill. I was in and out of trouble with the law; I got kicked around from one Ali to another. It seemed like nobody wanted anything to do with me – until I was carefully packed with [bomb making ingredients redacted] and there you have it: Again I had a destructive purpose.

Future Plans: Nothing! I mean, this is it for me; it’s not like I can be returned for deposit at this point, look at me. Yup, no going back now. Hopefully I’ll wind up lodged in the head of a journalist – people love that. The choice of a neural degeneration! OK, that was pretty bad.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As an exploding device that lived by the seat of its pants and inexpensively struck terror into the hearts of the most powerful military in the world - that and the time I set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire. Also, to toot my own horn, perhaps as a poignant symbol of the dangerous ways in which clashing civilizations can adopt and reinterpret each other’s cultural icons, or something.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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