(March 21-April 19)
I think it’s probably a good idea to stop pursuing careers
based on the movies you see. Didn’t that long period of
unemployment during the ‘80s ninja craze teach you anything?
Or the Baseketball fiasco? There needs to be an actual market
for your “skills” in order for you to earn a living.
Wedding crashing isn’t a vocation. I took the liberty
of perusing the movie section of the paper today and I’m
telling you now: Even if you could turn into a shaggy dog, that
would only make you less employable. As hard as that is to believe.
(April 20-May 20)
Boy, am I glad the Olympics are over, Taurus. They really messed
with my head, you know? When I turned on the TV during the coverage
and didn’t see “My Name Is Earl,” I figured
it was the sign the Owl King had promised to send me. So, I
slaughtered my wife and children. Boy, was my face red. Red
like the blood of human sinners. The snowboarding was great,
(May 21 –June 20)
understand, Gemini, that your boyfriend always enjoyed it when
you sat on his face. But, weren’t you at all worried,
or at least suspicious, when three hours passed without any
sign of life—without so much as a sound from him? Didn’t
you get stiff kneeling like that? What the hell were you doing
all that time—meditating? Was sex with him really such
a dull pursuit? Well, you won’t have to worry about that
anymore, although you may be facing criminal charges. I’m
guessing the first question the police will ask you is whether
that shocking, deadly overgrowth you’re sporting is intentional,
or just serious neglect.
(June 21-July 22)
I hate to tell you this, but you’re a terrible musician.
The next time you’re warbling a James Taylor song or butchering
Paul Simon at an open mic, take a look around and count the
rolling eyes and slumped shoulders. I’m not saying you
shouldn’t play when you’re alone, but if you keep
practicing your scales while your roommate is home, he might
just snap and cram your 5-foot turbografix bong down your throat.
Seriously, Cancer, he’s fantasizing about it on a daily
basis. Look to Mars, and try a career in visual art; there’s
no standards there.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some good news.
The bad news is you’ve managed to attract another cyber-stalker.
The good news is I truly love you, Leo, and I want—nay,
need to know everything about you. Which is why I installed
the very latest keystroke copying technology on your laptop.
Who do you think got rid of all those other stalkers, Leo? I
did! They tap-tap-tapped their ways to shallow graves. Your
brother, too, unfortunately—totally a mistake on my part.
You have to admit, though, it’s a little strange for you
and your brother to be calling each other “Pistol”
and “Sweet Tits.” Anyway, the important thing is:
I won. ILU, Leo, ILU. Now, you try it.
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
that ejaculation delay cream I gave you, Virgo? It turns out
my Cantonese is a little “rudimentary.” Wretched,
actually. Apparently, that cream is a topical chemical sterilant
currently being administered to lab monkeys and studied as a
possible treatment for recidivist pedophiles. Well, perhaps
I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Technically, it
hasn’t been approved for testing on macaques yet; it’s
still in the pre-test phases. I guess nobody knows what it might
do. Anyway, I’m really sorry about all of this. I just
wanted so badly to do something nice for you and I know you’re
an early squirter. I went back and asked the guy at the shop
about reversing the effects. I thought he muttered something
about an “elixir made from the hooves of gingerbread paddleboats”
but obviously for a variety of reasons that can’t be correct.
I guess I should stop shopping at Asian apothecaries, or at
least brush up on my Chinese first.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
don’t care for your new friend, Libra. There, I said it.
What perplexes me most is how you even came to know someone
like that. Where have you been spending your time? Everyone
loves a good fart joke, but two straight hours of nothing but
flatulent fetishism, Libra? And resorting to proctological prop
comedy with other people’s belongings, that was really
too much. For god’s sake, Libra, we were at a baptism.
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
it possible, Scorpio, we have reached the point where reality
television is now substantially less real than fake television?
By my count, Flavor Flav is on his third show, and the second
focused on his apparent animal magnetism. I submit to you, Scorpio,
not even Phlip K. Dick could have contemplated these twisted
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
for the moment, that wagering on the Oscars is just lame. You
would think, Sagittarius, that if you were throwing down the
sum of $10,000 you might do your homework. You put ten grand
on a movie called Memoirs of a Geezer, Sagittarius. In the documentary
category, no less. It’s geisha—Memoirs of a Geisha.
And it stank. And it wasn’t a documentary. And it didn’t
star Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon or Burgess Meredith, because
they’re all dead. But that wasn’t the best part,
was it, Sagittarius? No, half of that $10,000 comes from your
mother’s prostheses. Won’t she be surprised!
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
pathetic, Capricorn. You’ve been pining for the same girl
for the last three years. She barely knows you exist or, if
she does, she doesn’t seem to care in the least. She never
accepts any of the gifts you buy her. It’s time you faced
up to the fact it’s never going to happen for the two
of you. You’re from totally different worlds. You have
next to nothing in common and she’s more than three times
your age. Worse, she already has several mates behind her and
a parade of potential new suitors. You’re a young guy,
Capricorn—and she’s a friggin’ African elephant.
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
I know you’ve been obsessing ever since you read that
sex advice column about certain foods affecting the taste of
your semen. What concerns me is that prior to reading about
this phenomenon, you had perfectly normal regard for your own
bodily fluids; specifically, you weren’t the least bit
interested in sampling them. I can certainly appreciate you
natural curiosity and the, ahem, spirit of scientific inquiry.
But specially preparing meals, draining yourself dry and then
experimenting with dessert pairings is plain ghastly.
(Feb 19-March 20)
it’s time to put your dog to sleep. I understand it’s
a hard thing to have to confront. But it’s time. I know
you just brought him home from the breeder. He’s barely
three months old! Believe me, it’s easier to do it now,
before you get attached. You can do this, Pisces. I’ll
get the shovel.