All of the red boxes are empty. Is there a conspiracy afoot? I've been checking Tonawanda, N. Tonawanda, across the street from the Statler, 69 Delaware, Colvin and Eggert, and no new BEASTS. This has never happened before, I'm always first in line. Is there a publication delay or is some asshole pitching them in the trash. I hate not getting an issue.
Dean Lilac

Dear Dean,
Boy, you sure ask a lot of questions, don’t you, Dean? So many, in fact, you had to disguise some of them with periods. You pose some intriguing queries, but we don’t have the answers. Maybe you’ve lost a step or two. Maybe we’ve become so popular that the papers disappear within minutes of delivery. There certainly are a lot of assholes around, and they have been known to take it upon themselves to censor us. Why don’t you try answering some of your own questions and get back to us? A stakeout, perhaps?

In the meantime, why not take a step toward solving our mutual problems and subscribe? Don’t let this happen to you, folks—subscribe today!

WALK THAT WAY

Hi,
I've gotten a lot of laughs by singing the following (with air guitar and a very bad Steven Tyler voice):

Cheney's Got a Gun,
Cheney's Got a Gun,
Poor Harry better Run,
'Cause Cheney's Got a Gun!!!

There are other "third" verses for variety:

Everybody better Run
Cheney's gonna have some fun

Anyway, the "third" verse I just state in a speaking voice.

And I wholeheartedly agree with you about keeping people aware of the fact that the Veep shot and almost killed someone.

After I've sung my little ditty, and the people stop laughing, I point out that the reason the Veep's hunting party didn't notify anyone until the next day was because Whittington was severely injured and almost died that first night.

Hey, someone who's been "peppered" with birdshot, as first claimed, does not get rushed by ambulance to the closest hospital and then airlifted by helicopter to another hospital that happens to be the major trauma center in South Texas. Therefore, the 78-year-old Whittington almost died that first night and the Veep's entourage had to wait until the next morning to see if Whittington had made it through the night. Then the Veep, or his representatives, could report the "cover story" arrived at around the ranch dinner table the previous night. Even though, this "cover story" is shot full of holes.

Why is this "cover story" bogus?

I figure Cheney doesn't want to be viewed as being as clumsy as the Prez. His ego can't handle being compared to the Prez.

Thus, I believe Cheney broke the cardinal rule of gun safety: make damn sure your gun's safety is on. Then he probably tripped or stumbled (having bad legs, you know) and his shotgun misfired, with the birdshot hitting Whittington on his right side from about 10 yards away. This means Whittington had to have been standing to Cheney's left. This is why the "cover story" is bogus. According to this "cover story," Whittington was behind the hunting line...and to Cheney's right. Nope, didn't happen that way.

Anyway, try this little ditty about "Cheney's got a gun" and I guarantee people will howl.

Sincerely,
Paul Sorrells
Austin TX

Dear Paul,
Who knew conjecture could be so uninteresting? Where exactly are you holding these impromptu information sessions? For the record, we don’t consider bellowing terrible musical parodies based on “Daily Show” backdrops while twanging away on air guitar “keeping people aware.” Is this the sort of impression we make, that this is our kind of thing? Maybe it’s time we started making some changes. That said, we think it’s very sweet you’re encouraged by others’ laughter. We find an attitude like yours makes a life of abject humiliation much easier—almost fun.

COMING TO A GULAG NEAR YOU

loved your accidental discharge article - love your sarcasm and ridicule of cheney/bush - i havent laughed so much since solzhenitsyn ridiculed stalin! good work
HunleyGuy

Dear HunleyGuy,
And we haven’t been so impressed since Bill met Ted.

BEAST THIEF STRIKES AGAIN!

The newspaper box beside D'Youville College has not recieved your latest Beast. I had to read the 'Current' on my walk home from school one day. The 'Current'!!! What a slap in the face. Please rectify this oversight.
Bruce Bruce

Dear Bruce,
Spare us your facile self-justifications. We’re unmoved, as usual. Try looking inside at your own blackened soul for a change. If you read Current, it’s because you wanted to. Don’t they teach philosophy at…Oh, sorry. Our bad. Anyhow, you won’t be burdened with another issue of Current, they’re done. They managed to lose more money in half a year than we’ve handled in our collective lifetimes. Well, they had to be good at something.

SHORT GUY SYNDROME

Re: F is for Fake
Well up here in Canuckistan we think that Americans are, mostly (well really almost entirely) invincibly ignorant and dumber than a sack of hammers.

Apparently there is a TV show here (don't watch TV myself so this is hearsay) where a comedian, Rick Mercer, interviews Americans about Canadian issues.

He puts on a straight face and then asks some crazy question, and his targets, i.e. interviewees, respond in a similar manner. That is, they are unable to ascertain that the subject doesn't exist or is fantastical nonsense.

Apparently he targets the smarter of your bunch. Congressmen, Harvard professors etc.

It is a constant source of amazement for Canadians who aren't wannabee Americans (these are mostly corporate types and hicks from Alberta), how amazingly gullible you guys are.

I mean, you suckers got sold a crap war on a pack of lies, swallowed it,
and now don't like the taste, and yet you're sleazeball leaders are DOING IT AGAIN and you guys are falling for it!

Mind you we can be pretty amazingly dumb too. Didn't we almost elect a Bush admiring suck-hole for Prime Minister? Now we have to keep the sleazy little corporate pimp from chaining us to your sinking ship.

Still, I think most Canadians realise that our major challenge for this generation will be to avoid being contaminated/sucked down by the giant rotting corpse/Titanic that the US has become.

P.S. Last war you lost, you sent us your best (draft dodgers etc). No problem if you want to do that again. All Americans of intelligence, compassion and principle welcome.

Love your guiding principles/documents. Send 'em up here when you've finally finished with them.
Stephen Marshall

Dear Stephen,
Wow, a taste of scathing commentary from the North! We’re guessing insomnia isn’t a problem for you folks.

Let’s see: you’re comfortable presuming that congressmen and Harvard professors are the smartest people stateside, and yet it’s Americans who are gullible! Verily, what you lack in piety and hyper-inflated nationalism (do you really want to discuss military history? or any other kind, for that matter?), you make up for in pure Great White Northern ingenuousness. Maybe you do have a point: stereotypes and gross generalizations, pesky as they are, really can be true. But what does this have to do with us, or especially an article about science?

By the way, regarding that show you never watch (riiight), there’s a good reason Americans are so ignorant of Canadian issues: you don’t matter.

RIPE FOR DROWNING

Dear Sir:
Just read your article about Rev. Poulin's bad luck baptizing retards. I live just 12 miles from Catawba, NC and I have never heard of Red Sea Ministries. Not that it doesn't exist(we probably have a lock on crazy holy rollers around here) but I think I'd know if he had drowned any of our locals who are playing with less than a full deck. BTW, Catawba is a real town and Catawba is also the name of this county. The Sheriff of Catawba County is David Huffman, not Walter Halberstan.

We certainly have our share of religious crazies here, but I am unaware of a serial retard murderer run amok in Catawba, NC.

Sincerely,
John Holleman

Dear John,
First, as the vanguards of American journalistic probity, we at The BEAST must take exception with your letter. To paraphrase Walter Sobchak, "Dude, retard is not the preferred nomenclature." In reporting on this shocking story, we necessarily set aside our deep personal misgivings and merely recorded what was told to us. We can assure you our own vernacular makes no accommodation for the word "retard." We believe strongly that half-wits (or changelings or muttonheads, if you will) are not, as you put it, "playing with less than a full deck." Some of them even have mysterious powers that enable them to telepathically read this "full deck" you speak of.

As to your skepticism regarding the substance of our reportage, we would simply ask you this: How else would you explain Bobo's miraculous recovery? When we related to him your lack of faith, he told us, "Ith burm me!" For shame, sir.

JUST SEND MONEY

You guys are the whackiest crazed demented slimy creative people I have read in your newspaper...I love the bashing smash and crashed attitude you guys do so well...My kind of insane beings...If I could buy you guys a round I would ...I know from being insane myself for having a semi miserable attitude borderline on making fun of anybody and everyone...You guys are my kind of people...taking on semi brainless antics portrayed in the buffalo snooze I must say finally some semblance of intelligence was leaked...being a person who frequents amys place for breaking the fast I have yet to see a piano or someone singing from one there...I have been going to amys place for over thirty years...see what the food does to you now.>>>goldman kunz seems to be out to lunch more than most everyone...I guess it comes with bragging she voted for bush....My God help us all and mostly for those who actually believe \in her horseshit...
Peace ahhh fuckit screw you guys...lol
Taximnjim

Dear Taximnjim,
Whoa, whoa, whoa: slimy? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And what’s this about buying us a round, “If I could?” What’s stopping you, Taximnjim? We know from experience those SSI checks go a long way. Quit holding out. Or maybe cut down on the meth for a week; it is Lent, after all. We’re waiting and we’re thirsty. LOL!

SCROTUMITIS

Buffalo Beast,
I admire the elepahantitus of the testicles that you fellas displayed by illustrating the bearded one.

I had a fucked up conversation the other day at the Bucket of Blood in Depew. A bar patron interrupted a conversation i was having with a fellow "dreamer". This dickface told my platonic lifepartner and i that "peace was so fucking unrealistic". I know this person to be an ardent Catholic, so I pointed out his fundamental retardation: he would suspend reality to insist on the existence of an invisble man who farted out the universe and the spiritual infallibility of a weird old german perv who guarded a concentration camp in his halcyon days, and YET regarded the idea of peace among humans as "unrealistic".

Its been a while since a went to church, but i seem to remember a lot of "peace on earth and goodwill towards men" crap. How come all the religious people i know love wars? Agggh, don't answer that.
James Ronald Dio O'Hara

Dear James,
What else can we say, but that we wholeheartedly concur with your sentiments? Especially the bit about our genitals. But “platonic life partner?” That’ll make your sac swell.

ps. We’re huge fans of Holy Diver.

ELECTRODE FODDER

I was going to post something online, but then I realized I really don't want to piss off people. ah well. maybe I'm already slotted for a concentration camp once master plan 2015 or whatever it is goes into effect...

It was going to go like this:

Dear NSA Spook,
[insert various keywords to get their surveilance systems attention]

You realize that domestic spying isn't making us safer, because the war on terror is all just a charade anyways? You realize that your efforts here do nothing more then lay the groundwork for an authoritarian fascist police state that will go into effect once global warming, soil erosion and oil depletion bring about the last world war? Is that really the best alternative? What right do these "leaders" have to set us down this path, without an open public debate on whether were really willing, as a nation, to become sparta-1984? With all the intellectual capital of this nation, is this really the best path? What made America great is the former "protestant work ethic", honesty, sincerity, respect for the virtues of the common man, and the courage to face difficult problems head on. Oh wait, beer commercials destroyed those qualities already. My mistake. Feel free to return to preparing for our enslavement, if Walmart doesn't beat you guys to it.
(PS: can I not be implanted with that computer chip you guys are probably developing? those things are creepy.)

Sincerely,
Proletarian Unit #0100110011110010101010111

Dear Whatever,
No problem, we’ll post it online for you. Although we should probably tell you the whole façade masking your desperate cry for attention really isn’t working at all. It’s pretty pathetic. In all sincerity, for future reference, if you really want to get noticed, you need to temper the histrionics and sex it up a bit. Nobody using phrases like “soil erosion” and “protestant work ethic” has any shot at all of being stripped of his citizenship and tortured mercilessly in a prison at some undisclosed location, which is clearly what you yearn for. Better luck next time.