OUT ON THE BEAST
All of the
red boxes are empty. Is there a conspiracy afoot? I've been
checking Tonawanda, N. Tonawanda, across the street from the
Statler, 69 Delaware, Colvin and Eggert, and no new BEASTS.
This has never happened before, I'm always first in line. Is
there a publication delay or is some asshole pitching them in
the trash. I hate not getting an issue.
Boy, you sure ask a lot of questions, don’t you, Dean?
So many, in fact, you had to disguise some of them with periods.
You pose some intriguing queries, but we don’t have the
answers. Maybe you’ve lost a step or two. Maybe we’ve
become so popular that the papers disappear within minutes of
delivery. There certainly are a lot of assholes around, and
they have been known to take it upon themselves to censor us.
Why don’t you try answering some of your own questions
and get back to us? A stakeout, perhaps?
the meantime, why not take a step toward solving our mutual
problems and subscribe? Don’t let this happen to you,
I've gotten a lot of laughs by singing the following (with air
guitar and a very bad Steven Tyler voice):
Cheney's Got a Gun,
Cheney's Got a Gun,
Poor Harry better Run,
'Cause Cheney's Got a Gun!!!
There are other "third" verses for variety:
Everybody better Run
Cheney's gonna have some fun
Anyway, the "third" verse I just state in a speaking
And I wholeheartedly agree with you about keeping people aware
of the fact that the Veep shot and almost killed someone.
After I've sung my little ditty, and the people stop laughing,
I point out that the reason the Veep's hunting party didn't
notify anyone until the next day was because Whittington was
severely injured and almost died that first night.
Hey, someone who's been "peppered" with birdshot,
as first claimed, does not get rushed by ambulance to the closest
hospital and then airlifted by helicopter to another hospital
that happens to be the major trauma center in South Texas. Therefore,
the 78-year-old Whittington almost died that first night and
the Veep's entourage had to wait until the next morning to see
if Whittington had made it through the night. Then the Veep,
or his representatives, could report the "cover story"
arrived at around the ranch dinner table the previous night.
Even though, this "cover story" is shot full of holes.
Why is this "cover story" bogus?
I figure Cheney doesn't want to be viewed as being as clumsy
as the Prez. His ego can't handle being compared to the Prez.
Thus, I believe Cheney broke the cardinal rule of gun safety:
make damn sure your gun's safety is on. Then he probably tripped
or stumbled (having bad legs, you know) and his shotgun misfired,
with the birdshot hitting Whittington on his right side from
about 10 yards away. This means Whittington had to have been
standing to Cheney's left. This is why the "cover story"
is bogus. According to this "cover story," Whittington
was behind the hunting line...and to Cheney's right. Nope, didn't
happen that way.
Anyway, try this little ditty about "Cheney's got a gun"
and I guarantee people will howl.
Who knew conjecture could be so uninteresting? Where exactly
are you holding these impromptu information sessions? For the
record, we don’t consider bellowing terrible musical parodies
based on “Daily Show” backdrops while twanging away
on air guitar “keeping people aware.” Is this the
sort of impression we make, that this is our kind of thing?
Maybe it’s time we started making some changes. That said,
we think it’s very sweet you’re encouraged by others’
laughter. We find an attitude like yours makes a life of abject
humiliation much easier—almost fun.
TO A GULAG NEAR YOU
accidental discharge article - love your sarcasm and ridicule
of cheney/bush - i havent laughed so much since solzhenitsyn
ridiculed stalin! good work
And we haven’t been so impressed since Bill met Ted.
THIEF STRIKES AGAIN!
box beside D'Youville College has not recieved your latest Beast.
I had to read the 'Current' on my walk home from school one
day. The 'Current'!!! What a slap in the face. Please rectify
Spare us your facile self-justifications. We’re unmoved,
as usual. Try looking inside at your own blackened soul for
a change. If you read Current, it’s because you wanted
to. Don’t they teach philosophy at…Oh, sorry. Our
bad. Anyhow, you won’t be burdened with another issue
of Current, they’re done. They managed to lose more money
in half a year than we’ve handled in our collective lifetimes.
Well, they had to be good at something.
Re: F is
Well up here in Canuckistan we think that Americans are, mostly
(well really almost entirely) invincibly ignorant and dumber
than a sack of hammers.
there is a TV show here (don't watch TV myself so this is hearsay)
where a comedian, Rick Mercer, interviews Americans about Canadian
on a straight face and then asks some crazy question, and his
targets, i.e. interviewees, respond in a similar manner. That
is, they are unable to ascertain that the subject doesn't exist
or is fantastical nonsense.
he targets the smarter of your bunch. Congressmen, Harvard professors
It is a
constant source of amazement for Canadians who aren't wannabee
Americans (these are mostly corporate types and hicks from Alberta),
how amazingly gullible you guys are.
you suckers got sold a crap war on a pack of lies, swallowed
and now don't like the taste, and yet you're sleazeball leaders
are DOING IT AGAIN and you guys are falling for it!
we can be pretty amazingly dumb too. Didn't we almost elect
a Bush admiring suck-hole for Prime Minister? Now we have to
keep the sleazy little corporate pimp from chaining us to your
think most Canadians realise that our major challenge for this
generation will be to avoid being contaminated/sucked down by
the giant rotting corpse/Titanic that the US has become.
war you lost, you sent us your best (draft dodgers etc). No
problem if you want to do that again. All Americans of intelligence,
compassion and principle welcome.
guiding principles/documents. Send 'em up here when you've finally
finished with them.
Wow, a taste of scathing commentary from the North! We’re
guessing insomnia isn’t a problem for you folks.
see: you’re comfortable presuming that congressmen and
Harvard professors are the smartest people stateside, and yet
it’s Americans who are gullible! Verily, what you lack
in piety and hyper-inflated nationalism (do you really want
to discuss military history? or any other kind, for that matter?),
you make up for in pure Great White Northern ingenuousness.
Maybe you do have a point: stereotypes and gross generalizations,
pesky as they are, really can be true. But what does this have
to do with us, or especially an article about science?
the way, regarding that show you never watch (riiight), there’s
a good reason Americans are so ignorant of Canadian issues:
you don’t matter.
Just read your article about Rev. Poulin's bad luck baptizing
retards. I live just 12 miles from Catawba, NC and I have never
heard of Red Sea Ministries. Not that it doesn't exist(we probably
have a lock on crazy holy rollers around here) but I think I'd
know if he had drowned any of our locals who are playing with
less than a full deck. BTW, Catawba is a real town and Catawba
is also the name of this county. The Sheriff of Catawba County
is David Huffman, not Walter Halberstan.
have our share of religious crazies here, but I am unaware of
a serial retard murderer run amok in Catawba, NC.
First, as the vanguards of American journalistic probity, we
at The BEAST must take exception with your letter. To paraphrase
Walter Sobchak, "Dude, retard is not the preferred nomenclature."
In reporting on this shocking story, we necessarily set aside
our deep personal misgivings and merely recorded what was told
to us. We can assure you our own vernacular makes no accommodation
for the word "retard." We believe strongly that half-wits
(or changelings or muttonheads, if you will) are not, as you
put it, "playing with less than a full deck." Some
of them even have mysterious powers that enable them to telepathically
read this "full deck" you speak of.
to your skepticism regarding the substance of our reportage,
we would simply ask you this: How else would you explain Bobo's
miraculous recovery? When we related to him your lack of faith,
he told us, "Ith burm me!" For shame, sir.
are the whackiest crazed demented slimy creative people I have
read in your newspaper...I love the bashing smash and crashed
attitude you guys do so well...My kind of insane beings...If
I could buy you guys a round I would ...I know from being insane
myself for having a semi miserable attitude borderline on making
fun of anybody and everyone...You guys are my kind of people...taking
on semi brainless antics portrayed in the buffalo snooze I must
say finally some semblance of intelligence was leaked...being
a person who frequents amys place for breaking the fast I have
yet to see a piano or someone singing from one there...I have
been going to amys place for over thirty years...see what the
food does to you now.>>>goldman kunz seems to be out
to lunch more than most everyone...I guess it comes with bragging
she voted for bush....My God help us all and mostly for those
who actually believe \in her horseshit...
Peace ahhh fuckit screw you guys...lol
Whoa, whoa, whoa: slimy? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
And what’s this about buying us a round, “If I could?”
What’s stopping you, Taximnjim? We know from experience
those SSI checks go a long way. Quit holding out. Or maybe cut
down on the meth for a week; it is Lent, after all. We’re
waiting and we’re thirsty. LOL!
I admire the elepahantitus of the testicles that you fellas
displayed by illustrating the bearded one.
I had a
fucked up conversation the other day at the Bucket of Blood
in Depew. A bar patron interrupted a conversation i was having
with a fellow "dreamer". This dickface told my platonic
lifepartner and i that "peace was so fucking unrealistic".
I know this person to be an ardent Catholic, so I pointed out
his fundamental retardation: he would suspend reality to insist
on the existence of an invisble man who farted out the universe
and the spiritual infallibility of a weird old german perv who
guarded a concentration camp in his halcyon days, and YET regarded
the idea of peace among humans as "unrealistic".
a while since a went to church, but i seem to remember a lot
of "peace on earth and goodwill towards men" crap.
How come all the religious people i know love wars? Agggh, don't
James Ronald Dio O'Hara
What else can we say, but that we wholeheartedly concur with
your sentiments? Especially the bit about our genitals. But
“platonic life partner?” That’ll make your
We’re huge fans of Holy Diver.
I was going
to post something online, but then I realized I really don't
want to piss off people. ah well. maybe I'm already slotted
for a concentration camp once master plan 2015 or whatever it
is goes into effect...
It was going
to go like this:
[insert various keywords to get their surveilance systems attention]
that domestic spying isn't making us safer, because the war
on terror is all just a charade anyways? You realize that your
efforts here do nothing more then lay the groundwork for an
authoritarian fascist police state that will go into effect
once global warming, soil erosion and oil depletion bring about
the last world war? Is that really the best alternative? What
right do these "leaders" have to set us down this
path, without an open public debate on whether were really willing,
as a nation, to become sparta-1984? With all the intellectual
capital of this nation, is this really the best path? What made
America great is the former "protestant work ethic",
honesty, sincerity, respect for the virtues of the common man,
and the courage to face difficult problems head on. Oh wait,
beer commercials destroyed those qualities already. My mistake.
Feel free to return to preparing for our enslavement, if Walmart
doesn't beat you guys to it.
(PS: can I not be implanted with that computer chip you guys
are probably developing? those things are creepy.)
Proletarian Unit #0100110011110010101010111
No problem, we’ll post it online for you. Although we
should probably tell you the whole façade masking your
desperate cry for attention really isn’t working at all.
It’s pretty pathetic. In all sincerity, for future reference,
if you really want to get noticed, you need to temper the histrionics
and sex it up a bit. Nobody using phrases like “soil erosion”
and “protestant work ethic” has any shot at all
of being stripped of his citizenship and tortured mercilessly
in a prison at some undisclosed location, which is clearly what
you yearn for. Better luck next time.