Don't Feed the Aliens
Huddled masses threatening our borders.
Allan Uthman
The Persecution Rests
Local Judge takes aim at fake religion.
Paul Jones
March Mayhem!
Clash of Civilizations bracketology.
Good News from Iraq!
Brought to you by the DoD.
Phillips: Head-Screw Driver
Fearmongering for fun & profit.
A. Monkey
Litterbox Lunacy
Do cats make the craziest people?
Kit Smith
Friends Confused by Man's Defense of Kevin Costner
Scott Borchert
Dammit, Gannett, We Hate You
Hoping Current was just the first domino.
Full Court Press
New Fed Courthous: A "quality of life crime."
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert
[sic] - Letters
Wal-Mart fans, loathsomeness and celebrity plagiarism.

Operation Told You So
No one could have anticipated the Iraq disaster, except the 40% who did
Allan Uthman
Iraq or Iran?
Which are these pundits pushing to invade?
NSA's Big Rig?
Did the NSA help Bush steal the vote?
Bob Fitrakis
TV Highlights
Ian Murphy discusses "America's Next Top Model" with his penis
Gorilla My Dreams
The Monkey Does Drag.
The Nobel Nazi?
Scientist's Legacy gets Freedom Fried.
Kit Smith
Authorities Relieved Church Fires Were Joke
Josh Righter
Get Off Ma Land!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
Best of Buffalo?
Former Staffer Exposes Artvoice Reader "Poll."
Ready, Set, Gentrify!
Elmwood Village Hotel: Good Neighbor?
What Adams Could Have Told Higgins.
Album Cover Reviews
A Skin-Depth Look at 3 New Releases.
Chris Riordan
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune told through harsh insults.
The BEAST Page 3 Improvised Explosive Cola
[sic] - Letters
Thievery, hoser supremacy, drowning retards and bad songcraft.

Afghan Christian Convert

Name: Abdul Rahman

Turn-ons: American religious hysteria, “Sister Christian,” faith-based nepotism, Salman Rushdie, indulgences, Pabst Blue Ribbon, oysters, the concept of forgiveness.

Turn-offs: Hysteria, parenthood, polygamy, the New Jersey Devils, the Afghan Whigs, sugarless gum, beheadings.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert: After being spared the death penalty for abandoning Islam—thanks to a worldwide outcry from concerned Christians—I was released from Pul-i-Charki prison and immediately went into hiding. If only I’d known how easy it was to manipulate the Western world, I would have long ago proudly proclaimed my conversion from some heavily fortified and most likely secret location. Sure, I abandoned my family and, in bringing shame on them, possibly endangered their lives. But, hey, that’s how it goes for Muslims: no respect. If they’re smart, they’ll convert too, before they’re killed by their neighbors, an Islamic court, an angry mob, the Coalition of the Willing, disease, poverty, Pat Robertson, cluster bombs, landmines or a falling emergency relief package.

Future plans: Well, several countries are vying to give me asylum. This whole experience has just been a whirlwind. For a while, there was talk from some Christians I should be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, but that didn’t happen. I was going to try for a co-hosting gig on “The 700 Club,” but it turns out Pat Robertson is a virulent racist. Who knew?.

 How I’d like to be remembered: As the person who finally figured out a way not to get killed for religious crimes by the Afghani government.



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.