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THE
BEAST PAGE 3 Afghan Christian Convert
Turn-ons: American religious hysteria, “Sister Christian,” faith-based nepotism, Salman Rushdie, indulgences, Pabst Blue Ribbon, oysters, the concept of forgiveness. Turn-offs: Hysteria, parenthood, polygamy, the New Jersey Devils, the Afghan Whigs, sugarless gum, beheadings. How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert: After being spared the death penalty for abandoning Islam—thanks to a worldwide outcry from concerned Christians—I was released from Pul-i-Charki prison and immediately went into hiding. If only I’d known how easy it was to manipulate the Western world, I would have long ago proudly proclaimed my conversion from some heavily fortified and most likely secret location. Sure, I abandoned my family and, in bringing shame on them, possibly endangered their lives. But, hey, that’s how it goes for Muslims: no respect. If they’re smart, they’ll convert too, before they’re killed by their neighbors, an Islamic court, an angry mob, the Coalition of the Willing, disease, poverty, Pat Robertson, cluster bombs, landmines or a falling emergency relief package. Future plans: Well, several countries are vying to give me asylum. This whole experience has just been a whirlwind. For a while, there was talk from some Christians I should be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, but that didn’t happen. I was going to try for a co-hosting gig on “The 700 Club,” but it turns out Pat Robertson is a virulent racist. Who knew?. How I’d like to be remembered: As the person who finally figured out a way not to get killed for religious crimes by the Afghani government. |
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Name:
Abdul Rahman
