Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. Your long-dwindling patriotism burning anew, you head right down to the Armed forces recruiting station and join up. You fail the physical but your caring recruiter, appreciating your sense of duty, has the necessary medical records adjusted for you. After six weeks of training you hop on a transport plane and head to the action. On your second day in Iraq you are killed when friendly fire pierces the known-to-be-faulty armor of the Stryker Wheeled Troop Carrier you are riding in. Your remains are shipped back home and an electronically signed form letter from the President is printed and mailed to your parents.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. After the next terrorist attack the nation will be in a stunned and horrified state, mourning the thousands of dead Americans. Our noble and selfless President will stand tall and promise to seek out and destroy all Terra but even that is not enough. You realize that it is time to call upon your god-given abilities and help heal the nation by becoming the top prop comic/Jack Nicholson impersonator in the world.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. You become the spearhead in exposing the truth behind the terrorist attacks. It’s your organization that finally uncovers the irrefutable proof that the U.S. Government was behind this horrible attack as well as the original 911 Terror attacks. Of course, the plan is to immerse the nation in fear and paranoia, easing the ongoing development of an Orwellian police state. Unfortunately, you shoot yourself in the head the night you plan to expose this awful truth to the world. No one can figure out why you would shoot yourself, where all of your papers and files have gone or why you held the gun in your right hand…you being a lefty and all.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. The devastation of the attacks cripples the agricultural industry and fresh vegetables become a desperately sought after commodity. You convert your hydroponic pot growing operation into an indoor vegetable garden and make more money than you ever did or could have growing pot. Pot-smoking decreases dramatically, as it now carries a mandatory sentence of death. This has the unintended effect of making the liberal/peace movement more organized and effective by a factor of ten.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. You die in the attack, but are forever memorialized as your shadow is burnt into the wall of a building. Years later people will leave flowers at the base of your shadow but occasionally some punks will draw a smiley face and penis on it.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. You play a critical role in bringing peace and harmony to the world and create a new evolved civilization with the one wondrous deed. The stars will not allow me to divulge the answer directly for you must use your mind to discovery. I have coded the answer into page 3 of this paper. When you are ready you will find the answer and see the truth.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. With most key competition taken out by the terror attack, you will become the Taco Eating Champion of the world. Eventually you will receive the Pace Salsa Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor. Emperor Bush himself will award you this great honor.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. The radioactive fallout from the attack mutates your genetic structure and you develop newfound strength and abilities. You then become an Amazonian Queen and create a new society of warrior women. Men are used only for breeding stock or spear practice, with each man’s fate decided by you. Women are now only pleasured but do not please, and oh yeah, all the women wear outfits that show off their big boobs.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. You set up a very successful and productive commune built on cooperation, hard work and equality. Then Hippies show up and ruin everything with their greed, laziness and nightly Jerry Garcia tributes using bongo drums made in China. Eventually things go badly, and you have to kill the Hippies and eat their flesh to survive.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. Much like Aries you will join the military out of you renewed sense of patriotism and you to will be killed. Not in combat but in boot camp, where you are beaten to death by an obviously retarded man who somehow made it through recruitment, because he thinks you stole his poo. Your remains are shipped back home and an electronically signed form letter from the President is printed and mailed to your parents.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. You life doesn’t really chance outside of gas being more expensive and having that tracking chip installed to help protect your freedom. You just continue to wander through life in the glorious ignorance you’ve always enjoyed, and still adore the simple pleasures that have kept you happy. Like farting in the bathtub and biting at the bubbles.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, you have been wondering what happens to you after the next imminent terrorist attack. I have conferred with the stars and have your answer. At first you act all enraged that it happened and begin to think that the President and Pals have been right all along about those damn brown people. Then, during a three-day drunk, living in fear that the radiation cloud will make its way toward your town, you decide the best thing to do is set fire to the house of that nice Arab family down the street with the family inside. For good measure you torch the local synagogue just in case the Jews were involved. After sobering up you start a business selling vastly overpriced American Flag mugs, t-shirts, hats, watches and more all made by children in India and China for a very low cost.