BE A REDNECK
Letter to the
From the Great
Northwest to the Florida Keys, Wal Mart stores dot the land. They are present
in small, medium and large towns alike. And everyone shops in them.
Whether you love
them or hate them, you are a Wal Mart shopper at least once in your life.
Many people prefer the store for its convenience and affordable goods. Others
hate the corporation because they run some Mom & Pop shops out of business,
or because the chain is an eyesore or because the company is anti-union or
even because Wal Mart management treats their employees like dirt.
It’s been said,
“The business of America is business.” Wal Mart has produced a better mousetrap.
It makes available most of what a shopper is looking for, at reasonable prices,
and under one roof. You can’t fight the supply of law and demand as you notice
the stores are popping up like mushrooms under an Oak tree.
about Wal Mart treating their employees poorly, being anti-union, and not
providing adequate health coverage. Wal Mart is likely guilty of these infractions,
along with thousands of other corporations in America. Wal Mart gets more
coverage because of its size.
out that Wal Mart undercuts prices on many of its goods when they come to
town so as to drive the home-grown stores out of business. If this is true-and
it likely is-we should remember that competition is the lifeblood of American
business. Darwin’s idea of the Survival of the Fittest is an apt one. If you
can’t run with the big dogs, you should get out of the race.
Wal Mart hires
the elderly, the young, the handicapped and the minorities alike. They provide
jobs where there were none. They make one-stop shopping a dream-come-true.
No one is perfect
and it’s not a fair world. Wal Mart exemplifies American competition and know-how
at its best.
But I still prefer
the local mall.
Tom, that was just amazing, that letter. Those
mind-blowing arguments have never been presented in the context of this debate,
to our recollection, except about 892,000 times. You’re right—what could be
dangerous about an omnipresent retail monopoly that orders its suppliers to
ship their jobs to China? What was really nice, though, was that last bit—“But
I still prefer the local mall.” That’s cute, that little aside, that little
hint of personal affection, you know, like “hey, it’s all good man, here’s
a little tidbit of personal information about me—I dig the mall.” What do
you call that, Tom, a “hook” or a “zinger” or something? You know, this is
about the third one of these boring-ass, dying-to-be-published letters to
the editor we’ve gotten from you this week, which are also addressed to what
looks like a thousand other papers throughout the nation. We don’t know what
that’s called in Missouri, but in Buffalo we call that “grasping,” or “pathetic.”
Now please go away; we get enough spam as it is.
Just had time
to read your top 50 list [typical American, I'm a sucker for lists]. Spot
on - made me want to generate one for Massachusetts [my home state].
figures made the grade - wondering why GOP stalwarts Sam Brownback and Rick
Santorum didn't make the list. Every time I hear those names, I take a shower.
Also, for consideration
next year - Ted Nugent. He's parlayed second-rate arena rock into a reality
television show highlighting everything vulgar and uncouth about Americans.
all super, Jesse. We just don’t know what you want us to do with this letter.
Do you want us to tell you: “Hey, the 50 Most Loathsome Bay Staters, that’s
one hell of an idea!” Because it isn’t. Do you want us to feel penitent that
we omitted Brownback, Santorum and every other right-wing ghoul some niggling
spectator has written to scold us for ignoring? Because we’re not going to
do that. Do you want us to commend you on your obsessive, ritualized hygiene?
Fine: we applaud your sporadic cleanliness, Jesse. And we’ll see what we can
do about Nugent. Although we think “second-rate” is far too generous.
to back and read what the administration was saying
March 30, 2003
has made very clear that the reason why we are in Iraq is to find weapons
of mass destruction. The fact that we haven't found them in seven or eight
days doesn't faze me one little bit. Very clearly, we need to find this stuff
or people are going to be asking questions."
Keep up the humor
so you really think we should “Keep up the humor,” huh? ‘Cause we’ve been
thinking recently about totally changing directions. You know, maybe going
arch-Conservative, printing more poetry. But you think sticking with the humor,
that’s the ticket? Are you sure about this, Robb? Better yet, are you willing
to put your money where your mouth is? A little monetary persuasion in the
form of, say, 100 subscriptions. Because if you’re not, then we may be forced
to pick up O’Reilly’s column.
WE CONTROL THE LUNATICS
I am taking a
break from my household chores to offer this opinion on Afghani society and
american foreign policy as it pertains to the dingleberry who is converting
to christianity in that newly created bastion of american-given "freedom".
I don't who is
more retarded: someone who would convert to Christianity, or someone who
would kill another human for converting to Christianity. So, to be frank,
I don't necessarily give a twelve-inch coiled turd what happens to this clown
or to his pathetic country. I know that as a defense mechanism in light of
the disaster in Iraq, Americans have a deeply ill-conceived paternalism towards
Afghanistan, but having been there and having worked to bring the first ever
Afghani foreign exchange kids to American schools, I can tell you that it
remains hell on earth for anybody with one functioning brain cell. A hundred
times a day some blotchy-bearded asshole would accost me (me! sandy haired
freckly irishman fer fucksake!) for not giving myself to Islam. Any bullshit
fantasies I had about killing 'em with kindness has evaporated because of
experiences like that.
me to us: why would a nation that put a man a moon forty years ago; a nation
that does auto-erotic feats of freakery to suck our own collective tiny weener
because we are so supposedly so fucking ingenous; a nation that is beyond
responsible energy use and has everything to gain by developing sustainable
energy sources and yet will not; why would this nation tie its entire foreign
policy and domestic economy to a fossil fuel controlled by these lunatics?
How can we be anything but sullied by our association with this region? Do
we have a death wish? Future generations will be bemused by our stubborn adherence
to the concept of white man's burden.
My good pal and
tennis partner in the afterlife Charles Bronson had a "Death Wish".
In fact, he had four or five if i recall. He has admitted to me that he was
a gay man as well. We can't wait for Barry Lillis to croak so that we can
have a steamroom m.a.t. (manage a trois).
Mr. Lynn Belvedere
very clever—assuming the identity of an urbane, dryly witty British housekeeper
and referring to your “household chores.” Way to stay in character. Don’t
beat us over the head with it, you know? Well done, really. A bit self-loathing,
though, don’t you think, being Irish and all? Let’s face it: in reality, you’d
be the housekeeper. The language gave it away, of course—no Englishman would
be caught hurling an epithet as ridiculous as “dingleberry.” Oh, we’re afraid
you’re incorrigibly “Shanty.” We’re not quite sure, though, what you mean
Afghanistan “remains hell on earth for anybody with one functioning brain
cell.” Are you referring to yourself, that you have only brain cell left?
Besides, would converting to Islam really be all that bad? You’re Irish, for
christ’s sake. How much worse can it get?
favorite quote from our paper:
not that dumb." - written by MK Goldman this past week.
worth opening fire at?
C. E Loveless
your clip. When you’ve finished, reload. Repeat until the police come. Unless
Goldman was pointing at an iguana or something.
A CLASSY GUY
reading..enjoyed until you started attacking God and anything related to him.
From funny to classless in one fell swoop.
be surprised how much of this stuff we get. People love it when we make fun
of poor people, foreigners, the handicapped…It’s all great fun until one of
our sanctimonious readers discovers we’re equal opportunity haters and not
simply closeted bigots. Congratulations, you’ve gone to bat for the lamest
sacred cow this side of Muhammad cartoon. We thought someone like you would
understand: After all, like god, we despise everyone—especially you, Kays.
But, unlike the “almighty,” we’re not the sort to smite someone for something
as trivial as not capitalizing “Him.” Good luck with that. We hear the big
guy’s a real stickler.
Just want to
thank you for your great site. Only just discovered it a few weeks ago and
I'm still forwarding your great insight & humor to everyone in my address
book. I am concerned that you are still being harassed by all those big guy
lawyers. Well hoping you'll be up and adding new issues real soon and thanks!
funny, what concerns us is that we’re not “still being harassed by all those
big guy lawyers.” Do you know any “big guy lawyers,” Ron, who might harass,
or better yet, sue us? Because that could really help us out with, you know,
publicity and making a living—maybe paying off the odd credit card. Are you
famous, thin-skinned and chronically litigious? The sort of person who would
run right to his high-priced attorney if we accused you of, say, sexual deviancy,
wanton drug abuse, corruption of minors? Actually, our own attorneys have
advised us this would carry a lot more weight in court if you sent us your
last name. Get back to us, so we can start slandering you ASAP. Our apologies
to the poor suckers in your address book.
The list is across
the board fair and balanced.
it isn’t; it’s accurate.
not so fast, stallion. How ‘bout a photo first? Maybe we meet for drinks,
dinner, an art film. Then, if you’re lucky, we’ll have at it. We don’t know
who you’ve been talking to, but we’re no “sure thing.” Unless you’ve got a
steady job and good drugs? Have you, Gerald? Call us.
I just read your
"50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005" and it's some
of the best writing
I've seen on the Internet.
look folks, yet another internet piker content to tell us how superlative
our work is and leave it at that. Let us guess, Dan, all that other great
writing you’ve come across on the ‘net—that bottomless all-you-can-eat talent
trough—it was all free, too, wasn’t it? We’re not averse to charity, Dan,
but you probably break out in hives at the very word, the mere suggestion.
Right, well we’re just going settle up with our dealers, loan sharks and illegitimate
children. We’re broke, of course, but hey, that’s not your problem.
I've been a reader
for a while, and I noticed in your SIC section that sometimes someone writes
in to tell you that some national media outlet (The Nation, The Onion, etc.)
has ripped off one of your guys's jokes. I always think that these guys must
be kidding themself--I love the Beast, but really what are the chances, right?
But lately I’ve
seen the light. As a fan of political comedy I religiously watch Bill Maher,
John Stewart, and Colbert. And in the last month, I've seen each one steal
from the Beast. First, there was the opening sketch Maher did about the "International
House of Flammable Flags," a fake ad for a warehouse selling flags to
be burned. I only had to look down at my coffee table to see your funnier
ad for "Crazy Ali's House of Infidel Flags." Then, a few days after
you guys did the "Iraqi Civil War Chess Set" gag, Stephen Colbert
did the same joke. Now, just a few days ago, "The Daily Show" did
a "Special Blasphemy Edition" of the God Report, similar to your
recent "Special Blasphemy Issue," except a lot tamer.
At this point
I'm convinced that you can count the writers of these shows as some of your
most devoted readers. I think you should be proud, but maybe also a little
pissed. Your readers should know however, that you guys are doing first-rate
work, or at least that's what the pros think.
friend, are our kind of reader. Yes, you are right, these jokes were ours
originally, and were certainly not the product of our egregious abuse of time-travel
for the purpose of temporal reverse-plagiarism. Where would we get a time
machine, anyway? Clearly not from our opportunistic mugging of an explorer
from the future. Anyone who claims such a thing is obviously a lunatic, which
is why he is currently institutionalized and medicated.