Don't Feed the Aliens
Huddled masses threatening our borders.
Allan Uthman
The Persecution Rests
Local Judge takes aim at fake religion.
Paul Jones
March Mayhem!
Clash of Civilizations bracketology.
Good News from Iraq!
Brought to you by the DoD.
Phillips: Head-Screw Driver
Fearmongering for fun & profit.
A. Monkey
Litterbox Lunacy
Do cats make the craziest people?
Kit Smith
Friends Confused by Man's Defense of Kevin Costner
Scott Borchert
Dammit, Gannett, We Hate You
Hoping Current was just the first domino.
Full Court Press
New Fed Courthous: A "quality of life crime."
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert
[sic] - Letters
Wal-Mart fans, loathsomeness and celebrity plagiarism.


Operation Told You So
No one could have anticipated the Iraq disaster, except the 40% who did
Allan Uthman
Iraq or Iran?
Which are these pundits pushing to invade?
NSA's Big Rig?
Did the NSA help Bush steal the vote?
Bob Fitrakis
TV Highlights
Ian Murphy discusses "America's Next Top Model" with his penis
Gorilla My Dreams
The Monkey Does Drag.
The Nobel Nazi?
Scientist's Legacy gets Freedom Fried.
Kit Smith
Authorities Relieved Church Fires Were Joke
Josh Righter
Get Off Ma Land!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
Best of Buffalo?
Former Staffer Exposes Artvoice Reader "Poll."
Ready, Set, Gentrify!
Elmwood Village Hotel: Good Neighbor?
Erin-Go-Blah
What Adams Could Have Told Higgins.
Album Cover Reviews
A Skin-Depth Look at 3 New Releases.
Chris Riordan
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune told through harsh insults.
The BEAST Page 3 Improvised Explosive Cola
[sic] - Letters
Thievery, hoser supremacy, drowning retards and bad songcraft.

 

MIGHT BE A REDNECK

Wal Mart

Letter to the Editor

From the Great Northwest to the Florida Keys, Wal Mart stores dot the land. They are present in small, medium and large towns alike. And everyone shops in them.

Whether you love them or hate them, you are a Wal Mart shopper at least once in your life. Many people prefer the store for its convenience and affordable goods. Others hate the corporation because they run some Mom & Pop shops out of business, or because the chain is an eyesore or because the company is anti-union or even because Wal Mart management treats their employees like dirt.

It’s been said, “The business of America is business.” Wal Mart has produced a better mousetrap. It makes available most of what a shopper is looking for, at reasonable prices, and under one roof. You can’t fight the supply of law and demand as you notice the stores are popping up like mushrooms under an Oak tree.

Many complain about Wal Mart treating their employees poorly, being anti-union, and not providing adequate health coverage. Wal Mart is likely guilty of these infractions, along with thousands of other corporations in America. Wal Mart gets more coverage because of its size.

Others point out that Wal Mart undercuts prices on many of its goods when they come to town so as to drive the home-grown stores out of business. If this is true-and it likely is-we should remember that competition is the lifeblood of American business. Darwin’s idea of the Survival of the Fittest is an apt one. If you can’t run with the big dogs, you should get out of the race.

Wal Mart hires the elderly, the young, the handicapped and the minorities alike. They provide jobs where there were none. They make one-stop shopping a dream-come-true.

No one is perfect and it’s not a fair world. Wal Mart exemplifies American competition and know-how at its best.

But I still prefer the local mall.

Tom Proebsting

Moberly, MO

Wow, Tom, that was just amazing, that letter. Those mind-blowing arguments have never been presented in the context of this debate, to our recollection, except about 892,000 times. You’re right—what could be dangerous about an omnipresent retail monopoly that orders its suppliers to ship their jobs to China? What was really nice, though, was that last bit—“But I still prefer the local mall.” That’s cute, that little aside, that little hint of personal affection, you know, like “hey, it’s all good man, here’s a little tidbit of personal information about me—I dig the mall.” What do you call that, Tom, a “hook” or a “zinger” or something? You know, this is about the third one of these boring-ass, dying-to-be-published letters to the editor we’ve gotten from you this week, which are also addressed to what looks like a thousand other papers throughout the nation. We don’t know what that’s called in Missouri, but in Buffalo we call that “grasping,” or “pathetic.” Now please go away; we get enough spam as it is.


BROWNBACK MOUNTIN’

Just had time to read your top 50 list [typical American, I'm a sucker for lists]. Spot on - made me want to generate one for Massachusetts [my home state].

Several "media" figures made the grade - wondering why GOP stalwarts  Sam Brownback and Rick Santorum didn't make the list. Every time I hear those names, I take a shower.

Also, for consideration next year -  Ted Nugent. He's parlayed second-rate arena rock into a reality television show highlighting everything vulgar and uncouth about Americans. 

Jesse Floyd

Dear Jesse,

That’s all super, Jesse. We just don’t know what you want us to do with this letter. Do you want us to tell you: “Hey, the 50 Most Loathsome Bay Staters, that’s one hell of an idea!” Because it isn’t. Do you want us to feel penitent that we omitted Brownback, Santorum and every other right-wing ghoul some niggling spectator has written to scold us for ignoring? Because we’re not going to do that. Do you want us to commend you on your obsessive, ritualized hygiene? Fine: we applaud your sporadic cleanliness, Jesse. And we’ll see what we can do about Nugent. Although we think “second-rate” is far too generous.


SECRETARY FULLOSHITZ

It's amazing to back and read what the administration was saying

Assistant Secretary Wolfowitz

Washington Post

March 30, 2003

"The president has made very clear that the reason why we are in Iraq is to find weapons of mass destruction. The fact that we haven't found them in seven or eight days doesn't faze me one little bit. Very clearly, we need to find this stuff or people are going to be asking questions."

Keep up the humor

Robb Bittner

Dear Robb,

Wow, so you really think we should “Keep up the humor,” huh? ‘Cause we’ve been thinking recently about totally changing directions. You know, maybe going arch-Conservative, printing more poetry. But you think sticking with the humor, that’s the ticket? Are you sure about this, Robb? Better yet, are you willing to put your money where your mouth is? A little monetary persuasion in the form of, say, 100 subscriptions. Because if you’re not, then we may be forced to pick up O’Reilly’s column.


BECAUSE WE CONTROL THE LUNATICS

I am taking a break from my household chores to offer this opinion on Afghani society and american foreign policy as it pertains to the dingleberry who is converting to christianity in that newly created bastion of american-given "freedom".

I don't who is more retarded:  someone who would convert to Christianity, or someone who would kill another human for converting to Christianity.  So, to be frank, I don't necessarily give a twelve-inch coiled turd what happens to this clown or to his pathetic country.  I know that as a defense mechanism in light of the disaster in Iraq, Americans have a deeply ill-conceived paternalism towards Afghanistan, but having been there and having worked to bring the first ever Afghani foreign exchange kids to American schools, I can tell you that it remains hell on earth for anybody with one functioning brain cell.  A hundred times a day some blotchy-bearded asshole would accost me (me! sandy haired freckly irishman fer fucksake!) for not giving myself to Islam.  Any bullshit fantasies I had about killing 'em with kindness has evaporated because of experiences like that.

Which brings me to us: why would a nation that put a man a moon forty years ago; a nation that does auto-erotic feats of freakery to suck our own collective tiny weener because we are so supposedly so fucking ingenous; a nation that is beyond responsible energy use and has everything to gain by developing sustainable  energy sources and yet will not; why would this nation tie its entire foreign policy and domestic economy to a fossil fuel controlled by these lunatics?  How can we be anything but sullied by our association with this region?  Do we have a death wish? Future generations will be bemused by our stubborn adherence to the concept of white man's burden.

My good pal and tennis partner in the afterlife Charles Bronson had a "Death Wish".  In fact, he had four or five if i recall.  He has admitted to me that he was a gay man as well.  We can't wait for Barry Lillis to croak so that we can have a steamroom m.a.t. (manage a trois).

I remain,

Mr. Lynn Belvedere

Dear Mr. Belvedere,

That’s very clever—assuming the identity of an urbane, dryly witty British housekeeper and referring to your “household chores.” Way to stay in character. Don’t beat us over the head with it, you know? Well done, really. A bit self-loathing, though, don’t you think, being Irish and all? Let’s face it: in reality, you’d be the housekeeper. The language gave it away, of course—no Englishman would be caught hurling an epithet as ridiculous as “dingleberry.” Oh, we’re afraid you’re incorrigibly “Shanty.” We’re not quite sure, though, what you mean Afghanistan “remains hell on earth for anybody with one functioning brain cell.” Are you referring to yourself, that you have only brain cell left? Besides, would converting to Islam really be all that bad? You’re Irish, for christ’s sake. How much worse can it get?


DISFIGURE OF SPEECH

Dear Beast,

     My latest favorite quote from our paper:

     "I'm not that dumb."  - written by MK Goldman this past week.

     Is this worth opening fire at?

     Sincerely,

     C. E Loveless

Dear C.E.,

Empty your clip. When you’ve finished, reload. Repeat until the police come. Unless Goldman was pointing at an iguana or something.


GOD: A CLASSY GUY

Just surfed..began reading..enjoyed until you started attacking God and anything related to him.  From funny to classless in one fell swoop.

Kays M

Dear Kays,

You’d be surprised how much of this stuff we get. People love it when we make fun of poor people, foreigners, the handicapped…It’s all great fun until one of our sanctimonious readers discovers we’re equal opportunity haters and not simply closeted bigots. Congratulations, you’ve gone to bat for the lamest sacred cow this side of Muhammad cartoon. We thought someone like you would understand: After all, like god, we despise everyone—especially you, Kays. But, unlike the “almighty,” we’re not the sort to smite someone for something as trivial as not capitalizing “Him.” Good luck with that. We hear the big guy’s a real stickler.


BIG GAY LAWYERS?

Hey Guys,

Just want to thank you for your great site.  Only just discovered it a few weeks ago and I'm still forwarding your great insight & humor to everyone in my address book.  I am concerned that you are still being harassed by all those big guy lawyers.  Well hoping you'll be up and adding new issues real soon and thanks!

Ron

Dear Ron,

That’s funny, what concerns us is that we’re not “still being harassed by all those big guy lawyers.” Do you know any “big guy lawyers,” Ron, who might harass, or better yet, sue us? Because that could really help us out with, you know, publicity and making a living—maybe paying off the odd credit card. Are you famous, thin-skinned and chronically litigious? The sort of person who would run right to his high-priced attorney if we accused you of, say, sexual deviancy, wanton drug abuse, corruption of minors? Actually, our own attorneys have advised us this would carry a lot more weight in court if you sent us your last name. Get back to us, so we can start slandering you ASAP. Our apologies to the poor suckers in your address book.


INSANITY AND COLMES

Sir,

The list is across the board fair and balanced.

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

No it isn’t; it’s accurate.


CONCISION ITSELF

Subject: People List

Fuck You!!!

Gerald Stelzer

Dear Gerald,

Whoa, not so fast, stallion. How ‘bout a photo first? Maybe we meet for drinks, dinner, an art film. Then, if you’re lucky, we’ll have at it. We don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but we’re no “sure thing.” Unless you’ve got a steady job and good drugs? Have you, Gerald? Call us.


YEAH YEAH, WHATEVER

I just read your "50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005" and it's some

of the best writing I've seen on the Internet. 

Thanks.

dan manning.

grand rapids, mi

Dear Dan,

Gee, look folks, yet another internet piker content to tell us how superlative our work is and leave it at that. Let us guess, Dan, all that other great writing you’ve come across on the ‘net—that bottomless all-you-can-eat talent trough—it was all free, too, wasn’t it? We’re not averse to charity, Dan, but you probably break out in hives at the very word, the mere suggestion. Right, well we’re just going settle up with our dealers, loan sharks and illegitimate children. We’re broke, of course, but hey, that’s not your problem.


I've been a reader for a while, and I noticed in your SIC section that sometimes someone writes in to tell you that some national media outlet (The Nation, The Onion, etc.) has ripped off one of your guys's jokes. I always think that these guys must be kidding themself--I love the Beast, but really what are the chances, right?

But lately I’ve seen the light. As a fan of political comedy I religiously watch Bill Maher, John Stewart, and Colbert. And in the last month, I've seen each one steal from the Beast. First, there was the opening sketch Maher did about the "International House of Flammable Flags," a fake ad for a warehouse selling flags to be burned. I only had to look down at my coffee table to see your funnier ad for "Crazy Ali's House of Infidel Flags." Then, a few days after you guys did the "Iraqi Civil War Chess Set" gag, Stephen Colbert did the same joke. Now, just a few days ago, "The Daily Show" did a "Special Blasphemy Edition" of the God Report, similar to your recent "Special Blasphemy Issue," except a lot tamer.

At this point I'm convinced that you can count the writers of these shows as some of your most devoted readers. I think you should be proud, but maybe also a little pissed. Your readers should know however, that you guys are doing first-rate work, or at least that's what the pros think.

--Jerry

Dear Jerry,

You, friend, are our kind of reader. Yes, you are right, these jokes were ours originally, and were certainly not the product of our egregious abuse of time-travel for the purpose of temporal reverse-plagiarism. Where would we get a time machine, anyway? Clearly not from our opportunistic mugging of an explorer from the future. Anyone who claims such a thing is obviously a lunatic, which is why he is currently institutionalized and medicated.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
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Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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