Leaking Integrity
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Allan Uthman
Setting the Table
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Ian Murphy
Da Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
Paul Jones
Happy BEASTer!
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
The Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Kit Smith
The Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
[sic] - Letters
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.

Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
News Abuse
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.

Don't Feed the Aliens
Huddled masses threatening our borders.
Allan Uthman
The Persecution Rests
Local Judge takes aim at fake religion.
Paul Jones
March Mayhem!
Clash of Civilizations bracketology.
Good News from Iraq!
Brought to you by the DoD.
Phillips: Head-Screw Driver
Fearmongering for fun & profit.
A. Monkey
Litterbox Lunacy
Do cats make the craziest people?
Kit Smith
Friends Confused by Man's Defense of Kevin Costner
Scott Borchert
Dammit, Gannett, We Hate You
Hoping Current was just the first domino.
Full Court Press
New Fed Courthous: A "quality of life crime."
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert
[sic] - Letters
Wal-Mart fans, loathsomeness and celebrity plagiarism.

  Foreign Flags, Holidays Threaten America

Hi America. This is Lou Dobbs, defender of our borders and the American middle class. Recently on my popular CNN program “Lou Dobbs Tonight,” I had an exchange with Janet Murguia, President of the National Council of La Raza, about the atrociously large protests in Los Angeles and many other American cities regarding proposed changes to our laws concerning our broken borders and illegal immigration. One aspect of those protests that offended many Americans, including myself, was the prevalence of flags—Mexican flags. To me and many others, this strange obsession of Mexicans with the flag of Mexico seems suspicious and, frankly, anti-American. I asked Murguia about it.

DOBBS: Why are all those demonstrators out there carrying Mexican flags?

MURGUIA: Well there's a sense of pride with anybody. We just had St. Patrick's Day. Are you saying that Irish, because they're holding up their Irish flags, that all of a sudden they're not loyal or they're un-American? It's a double standard to say that people from one country can wave their flag, but people who want to be Americans can wave another flag, but they're not being loyal. That's a double standard. Irish Americans...

DOBBS: ... Are you accusing me of a double standard?

MURGUIA: Well, I'm just saying.

DOBBS: Because I want you to look me in the eye and I want you to hear me loud and clear.

MURGUIA: Yes, I'm right here.

DOBBS: OK, are you ready to listen to me loud and clear?

MURGUIA: I'm here.

DOBBS: I don't think that we should have any flag flying in this country except the flag of the United States. And let me tell you something else, since we're talking about double standards and I think you're right about people who would believe that. But let's be clear. I don't think there should be a St. Patrick's Day. I don't care who you are. I think we ought to be celebrating what is common about this country, what we enjoy as similarities as people. And as Peter Viles was reporting, talking about the culture and the heritage of their people and that's why they want to hold up the Mexican flag or Ecuadorian flag.

Now, some would take such a statement to be the ridiculous raving of a man who has painted himself into an ideological corner, embracing a flatly ridiculous position to avoid being called out on his obvious racism. But I assure you, although my show focuses almost exclusively on the dangerous threats posed to America by foreigners, I don’t hate Mexicans any more than I hate the Chinese or Indians. Basically, I just really like Americans, and by that I mean people like myself.

But I digress. The reason I’m writing today is that, after the controversy my statements above have generated, I have looked into the threat to America posed by rampant displays of foreign flags, and have discovered that the problem is much worse than I thought. It may seem hard to believe, but such treasonous displays are commonplace today in America, and Mexican flags are just the tip of the iceberg.

All over the country, such seditious celebrations of un-American lineage are rampant, in the seemingly innocuous forms of “heritage festivals” and parades which purport to celebrate “ethnic pride.” Unfortunately, many see nothing wrong with the brazen practice of flying foreign flags. Well I’m here to inform you just how wrong they are.

St. Patrick’s Day is seen by many naïve Americans as a fun time, an excuse to drink beer and watch parades while wearing cheap green hats. But, in their inebriated state, many miss the significance of the many Irish flags displayed in this shockingly nationalist ritual. Let’s not forget how Irishmen have expressed their “pride” in the past—by blowing up Englishmen! And there are actually four times as many Irish in the US as in Ireland! Clearly, the Micks are to be watched—but at least they speak English.

The Italians, on the other hand, plaster their flag all over everything—pizza boxes, restaurants, and of course their “festivals,” thinly veiled separatist rallies where they stuff unsuspecting Americans with fatty sausages and desserts, softening them up for eventual conquering.

There are other examples: the British, though ostensibly our greatest ally in the war on terror, have been infiltrating our culture since the aptly-named “British invasion” of the ‘60s. While they have been savvy enough to refrain from indecorously displays of their flag in our sovereign nation, certain “rock and roll” groups, including “the Who” and “Def Leppard,” have popularized the more subtly insidious act of wearing the Union Jack as clothing, especially in T-shirt form. Many young Americans can be found in such shirts, apparently oblivious to the fact that they are insulting their own homeland in the process.

Now, some of my viewers have told me that my position on this is “ridiculous,” “absurd,” and one even called me a “total retard” for taking a hard line on this issue. They say that such displays are merely expressions of people’s “pride” in their heritage, and are linked to old times, when their nationalities were denigrated here in America, due to resentment at their immigration here. But think about it, America: if you are “proud” to be from another country, aren’t you also saying you’re ashamed to be an American? Besides, if we apply this justification to Italians and the Irish, then how are we supposed to justify taking offense when Mexicans do it?

Clearly, such a situation cannot be tolerated if we are to preserve the integrity of our great nation. In order to retain the freedom that makes America great, we must put a stop to such irresponsible expressions of difference.

America is great nation at least in part because of its vibrant mixture of different cultures, each of which must be immediately suppressed if we are to remain great. Therefore, all holidays which are not originally American should be banned. Except Christmas. Basically, the minute you get here, you should just forget everything about your roots and try to blend in. That’s what America is all about—being a white protestant.

Okay, look—I just don’t like Mexicans, all right? They talk funny. Have you seen their television shows? Terrible! I mean, it’s one thing if they’re going to mow my lawn, but now they’re going to get all uppity? No way, Jose.

As concerned Americans, it’s imperative that we all pretend to be just as offended by foreign flags from Europe as those from Mexico. That way, it’s less obvious that our stance on illegal immigration reflects irrational xenophobia rather than sober assessment of facts. For the time being, anyhow.

I’m Lou Dobbs. Thank you.



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.