Incoherent biblical apologies, making stuff up, subbing for Rush Limbaugh,
Jethro Tull, playing journalist.
Turn-offs: Science, reality,
fact-checkers, the fairness doctrine, fags, melanin.
How I got to be The BEAST PAGE
3 REPUBLICAN HOOD ORNAMENT: Iíve been prepping for this gig my entire
life. Just look at my qualifications: Iím a stupid, soulless Jesus freak,
I was editorial page editor at the Washington Times, Iím a talking head for
Fox News, and I used to write speeches for the presidentís dad. Plus I have
a life-sized sculpture of Ronald Reaganís ass at home that I lick clean every
Sunday. I Ďm going to be the most persuasive spokesman this administration
has ever had because, thanks to my lifetime of fervent religious faith, I
am a total moron. I mean, McClellan looked like his head was going to explodeóme,
Iím as serene as a lobotomized Buddhist on heroin.
Future Plans: Charming
the White House press corps with my friendly demeanor and cash donations,
blowing kisses at Carl Cameron, and poisoning Helen Thomasí coffee.
How Iíd like to be remembered:
As the only White House staffer besides Bush who actually vaporized when the
rapture came. Sayonara, sinners!