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Name: Tony Snow

Turn-ons: Incoherent biblical apologies, making stuff up, subbing for Rush Limbaugh, Jethro Tull, playing journalist.

Turn-offs: Science, reality, fact-checkers, the fairness doctrine, fags, melanin.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 REPUBLICAN HOOD ORNAMENT: Iíve been prepping for this gig my entire life. Just look at my qualifications: Iím a stupid, soulless Jesus freak, I was editorial page editor at the Washington Times, Iím a talking head for Fox News, and I used to write speeches for the presidentís dad. Plus I have a life-sized sculpture of Ronald Reaganís ass at home that I lick clean every Sunday. I Ďm going to be the most persuasive spokesman this administration has ever had because, thanks to my lifetime of fervent religious faith, I am a total moron. I mean, McClellan looked like his head was going to explodeóme, Iím as serene as a lobotomized Buddhist on heroin.

Future Plans: Charming the White House press corps with my friendly demeanor and cash donations, blowing kisses at Carl Cameron, and poisoning Helen Thomasí coffee.

How Iíd like to be remembered: As the only White House staffer besides Bush who actually vaporized when the rapture came. Sayonara, sinners!



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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