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THE
BEAST PAGE 3 REPUBLICAN HOOD ORNAMENT
Turn-ons: Incoherent biblical apologies, making stuff up, subbing for Rush Limbaugh, Jethro Tull, playing journalist. Turn-offs: Science, reality, fact-checkers, the fairness doctrine, fags, melanin. How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 REPUBLICAN HOOD ORNAMENT: I’ve been prepping for this gig my entire life. Just look at my qualifications: I’m a stupid, soulless Jesus freak, I was editorial page editor at the Washington Times, I’m a talking head for Fox News, and I used to write speeches for the president’s dad. Plus I have a life-sized sculpture of Ronald Reagan’s ass at home that I lick clean every Sunday. I ‘m going to be the most persuasive spokesman this administration has ever had because, thanks to my lifetime of fervent religious faith, I am a total moron. I mean, McClellan looked like his head was going to explode—me, I’m as serene as a lobotomized Buddhist on heroin. Future Plans: Charming the White House press corps with my friendly demeanor and cash donations, blowing kisses at Carl Cameron, and poisoning Helen Thomas’ coffee. How I’d like to be remembered: As the only White House staffer besides Bush who actually vaporized when the rapture came. Sayonara, sinners! |
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Name:
Tony
Snow
