Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press
BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent
Hill, The Wild.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16
Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.
the Bottom of our Hearts...
A message of gratitude to Artvoice
a few unfortunates can probably describe precisely
the unearthly howling that surely emanated from Jamie Moses’
office, deep in the recesses of Artvoice’s headquarters,
on Monday. Maybe in a fit of apoplexy he managed only to shake
his fists and shout to the heavens, “BEAST!” A sweeter
tableau we could not envision: The enraged publisher violating,
in his uniquely dramatized way, his own vainglorious proscription
against mentioning his uniquely superior competition.
this momentary indulgence is awfully ungracious and we apologize.
We admit we’re unaccustomed to the sort of conspicuous
success we’ve lately enjoyed. Our benefactors at Artvoice,
in particular, deserve better for their unwitting largess.
we can’t thank them enough for stepping aside and letting
us enjoy a rare and overdue moment in the spotlight, as BEAST
editor Al Uthman took to the airwaves with Al Franken on Monday
at the Church of Ani DiFranco on Delaware. We had no idea what
a whirlwind awaited us. The complete absence of Artvoice staffers
from the show’s on-air guest list was only our first surprise.
We spotted Artvoice’s unkempt mobile topiary shrub, Mike
Niman, and he flashed us what we interpreted at the time as
a baleful glare—as if we’d pissed in his Spirulina
smoothie. Although we can’t recall exactly through the
haze of hindsight, we must have smiled or chuckled defensively.
Now, however, we realize he was simply giving us a sly, cliquish
signal: you know, telling us in that hipster way that we were
down. Sorry, Mike, we’re just new to all this.
what we can only assume was a prearrangement with Franken’s
producers by Moses and company for our benefit, the Air America
radio host notably abstained from mentioning Artvoice—one
of the local businesses sponsoring his appearance—even
a single time.
to us for this national publicity? Zero. That’s right;
we didn’t give Franken or Air America, or even Ani DiFranco
a dime. Uthman coasted onto the show on pure talent, while Artvoice
picked up the tab and asked nothing in return.
can we say, folks? We were outclassed and when that happens,
all you can do is tip your cap.