I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
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Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.


Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.


Leaking Integrity
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Allan Uthman
Setting the Table
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Ian Murphy
Da Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
Paul Jones
Happy BEASTer!
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
The Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Kit Smith
The Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
[sic] - Letters
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.
Punch-Out
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
News Abuse
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.

 

From the Bottom of our Hearts...
A message of gratitude to Artvoice

Only a few unfortunates can probably describe precisely the unearthly howling that surely emanated from Jamie Moses’ office, deep in the recesses of Artvoice’s headquarters, on Monday. Maybe in a fit of apoplexy he managed only to shake his fists and shout to the heavens, “BEAST!” A sweeter tableau we could not envision: The enraged publisher violating, in his uniquely dramatized way, his own vainglorious proscription against mentioning his uniquely superior competition.

Actually, this momentary indulgence is awfully ungracious and we apologize. We admit we’re unaccustomed to the sort of conspicuous success we’ve lately enjoyed. Our benefactors at Artvoice, in particular, deserve better for their unwitting largess.

Indeed we can’t thank them enough for stepping aside and letting us enjoy a rare and overdue moment in the spotlight, as BEAST editor Al Uthman took to the airwaves with Al Franken on Monday at the Church of Ani DiFranco on Delaware. We had no idea what a whirlwind awaited us. The complete absence of Artvoice staffers from the show’s on-air guest list was only our first surprise. We spotted Artvoice’s unkempt mobile topiary shrub, Mike Niman, and he flashed us what we interpreted at the time as a baleful glare—as if we’d pissed in his Spirulina smoothie. Although we can’t recall exactly through the haze of hindsight, we must have smiled or chuckled defensively. Now, however, we realize he was simply giving us a sly, cliquish signal: you know, telling us in that hipster way that we were down. Sorry, Mike, we’re just new to all this.

In what we can only assume was a prearrangement with Franken’s producers by Moses and company for our benefit, the Air America radio host notably abstained from mentioning Artvoice—one of the local businesses sponsoring his appearance—even a single time.

Cost to us for this national publicity? Zero. That’s right; we didn’t give Franken or Air America, or even Ani DiFranco a dime. Uthman coasted onto the show on pure talent, while Artvoice picked up the tab and asked nothing in return.

What can we say, folks? We were outclassed and when that happens, all you can do is tip your cap.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

 
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