Care Of Children: What Can You Do?
Cruise and Katie Holmes having a "child", Britney Spears and K-Fed
almost killing theirs -- with so much small-adult (not midgets, the other
thing) news lately, it's enough to make anyone ask, "What are these chyld-dren?"
But kids are actually less complicated than you think -- just check out our
tips. They're written by someone who has no kids, so you're sure to get a
bias-free report. Enjoy!
Never, ever have children
The first step towards properly
taking care of kids is to never have them. If you have a child, you will most
likely screw it up somehow, and worse, it will end up costing you child support
money and eventually prison bail. Note: if you already have children, never
talk to them again.
Force children to have own children
This will teach your kids a valuable lesson: taking care of kids
is hard, so why don't they cut you some god damned slack every now and then.
As a bonus, having to take care of their own kids means your children will
have less time to annoy you with frivolous requests for money and food. Note:
if your kids are too young to have their own kids, quickly have a child of
your own and pass it off as your child's child.
Treat your child as an extension of yourself
In the 20th century, scientists
discovered genetics, which tells us that our children are actually just little
mini-clones of us. This is why cloning is so opposed -- it would be redundant
and stupid. If your child wants to do something -- i.e., stage a military
coup against the government -- consider whether or not you would
enjoy doing that, or watching it from a safe distance. If so, you would be
cruel and possibly even arrestable to tell your mini-clone no.
Use time travel to skip over boring and/or troublesome years of child's life
Let's face it: kids only have one or two total years of being tolerable
people. Witness key moments like walking and pretending to be blind to get
a stranger's money for you, then skip to the part where they move away and
you talk briefly every other weekend.
Use bleach effectively
Most good parents got to where they are by remembering that bleach
is a great all-purpose tool for raising children: most kids below the age
of 12 love the smell and find that it lulls them to sleep, and children of
any age will enjoy rolling around the container, then laughing with delight
and surprise when it finally breaks open. Caution: bleach can stain your carpet
and furniture. Be sure to lock your kids into a designated "Bleach Room"
to minimize mess.
Euthanize in 15th year
Right around this time, your child will become your worst enemy,
and will be a constant source of misery and fuckery for you. This is a sign
that your child's life has come to its natural end. Do the humane thing. It's
what your parents would've done for you if they lived in the free society
we have today.
Employ "Farting Discipline" method
A classical behavioral training mechanism, this involves firmly grasping
your child's head and placing it directly under your anus while farting. If
done immediately after the child misbehaves, one or two sessions will straighten
out even the most delinquent of children. Caution: beware of smaller rebellious
children, who will try and use the opportunity to scurry into your body and
control you as a puppet.
Parenting magazines draw on the collective wisdom of perfect adults
everywhere to create a pool of knowledge on how to best raise your child in
accordance with what someone else thought of for their kid. Scientifically,
it's extremely unlikely to fail.
Watch "Home Movies"
A particular episode of this
cult favorite TV show will teach you an important lesson: that you should
not kill your children by running then over, but rather let them live their
lives, and let them grow older.
Realize children aren't real
New evidence increasingly suggests
that children are yet another invention of women to use as an excuse to not
make dinner or have sex with you. If you see a child, it is likely a woman
in disguise, or a robot.
Righter is an editor at EnduringVision.com.