Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press
BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent
Hill, The Wild.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16
Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.
(April 20-May 20)
The stars are annoyed with you, Taurus. Not the celestial stars
from which I derive my cosmic knowledge, but the stars that
live in Hollywood. They are annoyed with you, and do you know
why? Because you completely mislabeled those maps to their homes.
I’m sure it’s annoying enough being Keanu Reeves and trying
to check your mailbox without throngs of brain-dead groupies
trying to pull your bathrobe off, but imagine the insult added
to injury when one of these soulless dumbasses shouts, “Hey!
That’s not Carson Daly!” There’s a moon in the seventh house
just for you, Taurus, and contrary to your map’s information,
those dimpled asscheeks do not belong to Brad Pitt.
(May 21 –June 20)
want to know why he’s not calling you back? You’re whimpering
and pacing the floors in angst, wondering why he can’t pick
up a phone? Well, news flash Gemini – your date with him only
ended 14 hours ago. That could be one reason. Another reason
could have something to do with the fact that you spent most
of the date describing the trials and tribulations of being
a pudgy, jobless woman with nothing nice to say about anything,
including yourself. Yeah, I know, the self-insults were just
you fishing for compliments, but c’mon... he’s an eligible bachelor
who leaves his house fairly often, and you’re a clingy drama
addict with unreasonable expectations. What was he supposed
to do, make shit up?
(June 21-July 22)
what purpose does it serve to build a hotel on Elmwood Avenue,
Cancer? Oh, sure, that whole “Buff State is the only college
with no hotel near it” thing, riiiight. Well, did it occur to
you that Delaware Avenue, with its doublewide streets and TWO
bus routes, would be just as good a location, if not better?
Seriously, Cancer, have you ever tried to drive up Elmwood during
daylight hours? It’s like a giant, slow-moving game of Dodge
the Delivery Guy as it is. Imagine how much more of a pain in
the ass it’s gonna be, waiting for hotel patrons to unload their
crap. Of course, I’m probably wasting my breath with you anyways,
Cancer, since you clearly have no interest in looking toward
(July 23-Aug. 22)
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
let me explain something about the phrase, “You gotta love it!”
It implies that one has no choice but to enjoy whatever it is
you’re talking about. And sure, that’s true when you’re describing
oral sex or Sean Connery. You, however, used it to describe
Seinfeld, Krispy Kreme donuts, movies with Steve Buscemi in
them, French bread pizzas, Homestar Runner, that drunk skier
from the Winter Olympics who didn’t win anything, Geico ads,
Lego, the Discovery Channel, and cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving,
and that was all in one conversation. I’m hereby revoking your
right to use that phrase. Now shape up, or I’m also taking away
“How can you go wrong,” which will render you about as conversationally
adept as Marcel Marceau.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
up toilet paper on the way over, would you?
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
agree; it must be a real hassle getting busted over and over
again. I mean sure, you manage to escape litigation every time,
and you have a seemingly limitless expense account, but it must
really burn your ass every time the authorities put the kibosh
on your best-laid plans. The stars have spoken, and they tell
me to tell you the following message: “DUMBASS! STOP BUILDING
ALL YOUR DOOMSDAY DEVICES IN THE SHAPE OF A GIANT RED COBRA!!!”
As for me, I’d simply like to add that I preferred the mirror-face
mask you used to wear.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
that’s a nasty little shanker you’ve got there. I’ve never seen
one that actually bubbled before. Naturally, your HMO isn’t
going to cover it, so unless your wife still falls for excuses
involving alien abduction, I suggest you get a knife, some rubbing
alcohol, and a stick to bite down on, because you’ve got your
work cut out for you. Oh, and let this be a lesson to you: just
because they’re sheep, it doesn’t necessarily obviate condom
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
can talk at me until you’re blue in the face, Capricorn, but
you will never convince me that wrestling isn’t gay. I mean,
okay, fine... It isn’t “fake”, I understand that now. I am aware
that wrestling is actually more dangerous and risky than stunt
work and football combined, and that you have to stage a fight
because real fights are boring to watch, and also that wrestlers
are highly skilled atheletes in their own right. What YOU have
to understand, is that in a world full of training-required
career options, wrestlers chose the one where they get to grope
scantily clad members of their own sex while wearing tights,
and sometimes capes. Script or no script, those guys are clearly
grabbing each others’ balls during the bodyslams. That doesn’t
seem a little gay to you?
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
pal, I sense you over there, writing your own Beast-O-Scopes!
Knock it off, jerk-wad! You think I just sit here and make shit
up or something? Well, I guess you know NOW that I don’t, huh?
I thought making your candle explode last week would have done
the trick, but apparently not; you’re still determined to take
my job. This is my gig, buddy, so take your little faux-divination
game elsewhere. Besides, the reason you failed as an actual
seer is that your “Tarot deck” was really a red-and-black “Magic
the Gathering” deck. I can’t believe you didn’t notice – since
when do you have to tap three black mana for upkeep during a
friggin’ séance? Pathetic... stupid.
(Feb 19-March 20)
know Libra’s gonna forget the TP. Be a dear and grab it, won’t
(March 21-April 19)
so you were expecting to see your Beast-O-Scope at the TOP of
the page, huh? You’re so convinced that Aries deserves to be
at the top of the list... why exactly? I mean, technically,
Capricorn and Aquarius are first in the calendar year (read:
the calendar that ACTUAL PEOPLE use), and Aquarius is even before
Aries in alphabetical order, yet here they sit, week after week,
humbly taking a lower place between Pisces and Sagittarius,
while YOU keep arbitrarily hogging the limelight. Take your
lumps, Aries, and withhold all complaints, lest I reveal to
the world what TWO orifices you like having fingers shoved into.
One after the other.