SO BO NO MO?
the bong and make some deliveries. I never missed an issue when I lived in
Vermont, but I can't find The Beast anywhere in South Buffalo. Surely I won't
have to get a subscription when I live right off Seneca St.
What you’re dealing with here is a complicated economic principle known as
“Beringer’s Law of Inverse Proximity Supply,” which states: The farther a
consumer is geographically from a manufacturer, the more readily available–
OH HA! We SO got you! ‘Beringer’s Law,’ ha, you are so stupid! Of course you
have to subscribe.
The Beast is
Great Stuff .... expresses my thoughts , beliefs and opinions much better
than I ever could....Good on you....keep it coming......
Seeing as we can express your thoughts even better than you can, we’ve decided
to rewrite your letter for you:
Dear Lord Beastingtons,
I routinely quiver in awe of your intellect. Somehow your superhuman ability
to sexually satisfy women comes through in your brilliant prose. That said,
please accept this harem of Kenyan teenage girls, and this check for $75,000—I
mean $750,000. I will keep them coming.
Ok. So you said
it…and we are waiting, Russ. A deal is a deal. Chop chop! We grow tired of
your hollow praise. Jeez, doesn’t anyone hate us any more?
FOR OUR [SIC]
to the Department of Justice’s Inspector General, the White House, the Catholic
Diocese of Buffalo, the Catholic News and various Buffalo News addresses.]
Issue #97 April
12 - April 26, 2006 of "The Beast", a newspaper published by Paul
J. Fallon, 712 Main St.., Buffalo, NY 14202 was brought to my attention by
my son Bill who picked it up on a local bus. Bill said he was offended by
the cover of this
newspaper which depicted Christ crucified with blood flowing from the wound
in his side with President Bush's face substituted for that of Christ and
bearing the caption "Bush Nailed in CIA Leak Case". I too was offended
and believe that this act of symbolic defilement is an act of hate against
my religion, Roman Catholicism, and against me. I immediately felt the urge
to retaliate against this grave insult and ask that you undertake to investigate
the issue in question and lay the appropriate charge against Mr. Fallon so
that he may be proscribed from further acts of hatred against me and my faith.
Aren’t you supposed to “turn the other cheek,” so we can smack you again?
If you really want to punish us, why not just pray for Jesus to kick our asses?
No? That’s okay; go on, make us famous.
of cramming every relic of comical cynicism onto one page like your Thompson-wannabe-chimp-boy
does comma splices just tell your editor to wipe the drool off his chin, stop
moving his mouth when he reads and make your home page remotely appealing.
With any luck you really will be the ONION some day!
moving his mouth when he reads!? Do you have any idea what would happen if
we took your poorly thought out advice? Do you!? Mr. Uthman’s mouth left motionless
at a fixed point in the grid of space-time would be ripped from his face at
many times the speed of sound! People would die and buildings torn asunder
from the relative force created by the jawbone physical anomaly you recommend.
Why don’t you try thinking for a change? Besides, he was just eating pizza.
we should make
this piece required reading for gringoes here just to retain their damn citizenship
[“Don’t Feed the Immigrants,”
issue #96]. we are such assholes-first we champion NAFTA, which has SO deteriorated
the economies of mexico and central america that their citizens are forced
to emigrate to survive, then we screech about how they're breaking the law
by coming. a cursory glance at france recently oughta show us how destructive
and plain stupid it is to isolate and demonize a portion of your people.
in the immigrant's march here in houston, texas, and it was a blast.(i sorta
stood out, being a skinny, middle aged guera. my banner read:" educating
and employing immigrants has made our country successful since 1776. why stop
thanks so much
for your kickass writing. hope sanford
Hope, nobody could read your sign, is what you’re saying.
DOO DEE DOO
I love whomever
wrote "50 Most Loathsome
People in America, 2005". Can't thank you enough for that. I feel
SO much better now after reading that piece. It was insightful, thoughtful,
and entertaining. What more can one ask from a writer? Oh yeah, and it's FREE.
Only in America.
Keep up the good
work, blah blah blah, etc.
Dear god, can we please talk about something else? Yeah, it’s the best thing
ever written, by anyone, ever. We’ve heard it. That’s all anyone wants from
us anymore! We’re probably going to have to talk about it with those “Best
Week Ever” guys on Saturday, too. But what really makes this one special is
that you actually typed “blah blah blah, etc.” Look, if you already know that
what you’re telling us is something we will find to be tedious, what the hell
could possibly motivate you to continue? Well, Lew? What? OCD? Kindness and
gratitude? Well, now you know how wrong that can go. Anyway, look, no hard
feelings, yadda yadda yadda bleep bom bing. And so forth.
Thanks for the expose
on the Post; I read the post on-line, or at least check the headlines,
but I missed that. I'm going to send them a letter to editor...I picked up
your piece @Buzzfflash.com where I get a whole lot better and true info.
That’s not interesting.
Anyone here read
the March 30th Artvoice? In the letter's page is a letter from Sergeant Major
Larry Smith, Retired, responding to an atricle about how one of the Buffalo
schools enlisted all their students in the JROTC. Some of the details of the
article may have been flavored to put the JROTC in an unfavorable light, but
that's not the point of this topic. My point is his very last paragraph, and
I quote: "On another note, I spent 26 years of my life defending the
very freedom you take for granted when you publish this kind of message. We
serve our country so that people like you don't have to." You hear this
kind of thing alot, and I'd like to respond. Bullshit. I didn't ask you to
go to some other country and kill people for my freedom, the fascists in Washington
did. I get no benefit from what you're doing, whether its in Afghanistan or
Iraq, Grenada, Somolia, Bosnia, Vietnam or wherever you want to justify this
peculiar brand of American freedom. Where were you when Der Furher was taking
away my rights with his U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act? (Uniting and Strengthening
America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct
Terrorism) I don't care if you're doing great thing by building schools and
hospitals, if the people in those countries wanted freedom and liberation,
they could have stood up like we did and done it themselves. It's not, no
matter what brush you paint it with, exporting democracy, it's imperialism.
Democracy is of the people, by the people, for the people. And like in Vietnam,
the actual people who should be fighting are going to let us soak up all the
bullets they can. Der Furher wants to listen to your phone calls, torture
people, suspend haebeus corpus and wants to pretend its for your benefit.
Once again, we are exporting fascism, not democracy. They're spending money
that we don't have, for things we don't need. If we weren't propping up dictatorships
and putting troops in other people's holy lands, we wouldn't have as many
terrorists. If we exported democracy by example, obeying our own laws as we
interact with others, maybe we'd be getting somewhere. What we have now is
all bullshit. And that sounds too much like propoganda.
Face it, you're
a goverment employee with a hazardous job description.
Yeah! Those fuckers in Iraq should be dying at a much higher multiple of our
deaths! Right now they're only dying about ten times as fast as us. America
can do better!
man, but you took a perfectly good point about how blowing up remote nations
does little to protect us, and then fucked it all up by implying that Iraqis
were just too lazy to overthrow their government, "like we did."
What role exactly did you play in the revolutionary war, Spider? Just wondering.
case you actually care, this is one of the best articles I have read this
Danger,” issue #94]. Your depressingly accurate view of our world makes
it clear that my best course of action is to go out and ride my bike on the
this morning, I was introduced to you by a co-worker of mine. From that moment,
not one bit of work was done by me- I was too busy delighting my eyes and
brain with your amazing magazine. Everything about it made me laugh nearly
to the point of absolute hysterics. Be assured that as soon as my bank account
will let me, I will be subscribing to your magazine, as I feel that God may
strike me dead if I defy him and don't become a regular reader of your magnificent
publication. I have one important question: are you guys taking applications?
If not, may I put one in anyways? The Beast is the exact thing that I've been
looking to do with myself, and think we'd be beneficial to each other (like
if we were to go out to a bar and some chick was like "Hey Beast, you
are one sexy...umm...beast. I want to go home with you but I have this ugly
friend here who needs to find someone." Since I'd owe you a minimum of
one HUGE favor, I'd step in and be the wingman, ensuring that you'd get all
the ass you deserve and more).
Beast, even if you don't want to give me a shot, thank you for your amazing
magazine that I will still be subscribing to regardless. If Bush wasn't shit,
I bet he'd give you a Presidential commendation, not that you'd really want
to take it. Plus, he'd probably be simultaneously giving awards to the Scooby
Doo and Mighty Mouse for their valiant efforts to defeat the terrorists that
are hiding under our beds and in our closets.
We like the way you think, young Jedi. Except in our version of the bar story,
we’re high on some old-timey drug, like laudanum or ether or something, and
at least one of us is wearing a monocle and top hat. Is that weird? Wait—are
we already on laudanum and ether?
Love the 50 worst
people thing. Especially the bit about Thomas Friedman. Couple quibbles,
though; you actually left out the most objectionable of all Jesse Jackson's
missteps last year: he actually joined the campaign to keep Teri Schaivo
'alive.' Arguably Jesse is the worst of the lot, because we have no reason
to expect anything from idiots like Judith Miller and human slime like Karl
Rove, but Jesse Jackson really squandered his potential. Also, I don't get
the animus against McNabb. It seems to me he played his heart out as long
as he could last year. But, whatev, you must be one of those insane Philadelphia
sports fan. The only sporting institution I have any use for in Philly is
the one with the fillies, Philadelphia Park. Hit the early Daily Double today.
Go eat your fucking Chunky Soup.