I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
Josh Righter
Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.


Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.


Leaking Integrity
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Allan Uthman
Setting the Table
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Ian Murphy
Da Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
Paul Jones
Happy BEASTer!
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
The Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Kit Smith
The Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
[sic] - Letters
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.
Punch-Out
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
News Abuse
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.

 

SO BO NO MO?

Hey freaks,
Put down the bong and make some deliveries. I never missed an issue when I lived in Vermont, but I can't find The Beast anywhere in South Buffalo. Surely I won't have to get a subscription when I live right off Seneca St.

Bye,
Kevin

Kevin,
What you’re dealing with here is a complicated economic principle known as “Beringer’s Law of Inverse Proximity Supply,” which states: The farther a consumer is geographically from a manufacturer, the more readily available– OH HA! We SO got you! ‘Beringer’s Law,’ ha, you are so stupid! Of course you have to subscribe.


ASTHMATIC PROSE

The Beast is Great Stuff  .... expresses my thoughts , beliefs and opinions much better than I ever could....Good on you....keep it  coming......

 Russ Pearson
Moravian Falls

Russ,
Seeing as we can express your thoughts even better than you can, we’ve decided to rewrite your letter for you:

Dear Lord Beastingtons,
I routinely quiver in awe of your intellect. Somehow your superhuman ability to sexually satisfy women comes through in your brilliant prose. That said, please accept this harem of Kenyan teenage girls, and this check for $75,000—I mean $750,000. I will keep them coming.

Ok. So you said it…and we are waiting, Russ. A deal is a deal. Chop chop! We grow tired of your hollow praise. Jeez, doesn’t anyone hate us any more?


JESUS DIED FOR OUR [SIC]

[Addressed to the Department of Justice’s Inspector General, the White House, the Catholic Diocese of Buffalo, the Catholic News and various Buffalo News addresses.]

Sir,

Issue #97 April 12 - April 26, 2006 of "The Beast", a newspaper published by Paul J. Fallon, 712 Main St.., Buffalo, NY 14202 was brought to my attention by my son Bill who picked it up on a local bus. Bill said he was offended by the cover of this newspaper which depicted Christ crucified with blood flowing from the wound in his side with President Bush's face substituted for that of Christ and bearing the caption "Bush Nailed in CIA Leak Case". I too was offended and believe that this act of symbolic defilement is an act of hate against my religion, Roman Catholicism, and against me. I immediately felt the urge to retaliate against this grave insult and ask that you undertake to investigate the issue in question and lay the appropriate charge against Mr. Fallon so that he may be proscribed from further acts of hatred against me and my faith.

 John Joyce
Buffalo, NY

John,
Aren’t you supposed to “turn the other cheek,” so we can smack you again? If you really want to punish us, why not just pray for Jesus to kick our asses? No? That’s okay; go on, make us famous.


MANDIBULAR SINGULARITY

BEAST;
Instead of cramming every relic of comical cynicism onto one page like your Thompson-wannabe-chimp-boy does comma splices just tell your editor to wipe the drool off his chin, stop moving his mouth when he reads and make your home page remotely appealing. With any luck you really will be the ONION some day!

Affectionately,
Red

Red,
Stop moving his mouth when he reads!? Do you have any idea what would happen if we took your poorly thought out advice? Do you!? Mr. Uthman’s mouth left motionless at a fixed point in the grid of space-time would be ripped from his face at many times the speed of sound! People would die and buildings torn asunder from the relative force created by the jawbone physical anomaly you recommend. Why don’t you try thinking for a change? Besides, he was just eating pizza. Asshole.


ILLEGIBLE SI!

we should make this piece required reading for gringoes here just to retain their damn citizenship [“Don’t Feed the Immigrants,” issue #96]. we are such assholes-first we champion NAFTA, which has SO deteriorated the economies of mexico and central america that their citizens are forced to emigrate to survive, then we screech about how they're breaking the law by coming. a cursory glance at france recently oughta show us how destructive and plain stupid it is to isolate and demonize a portion of your people.

i participated in the immigrant's march here in houston, texas, and it was a blast.(i sorta stood out, being a skinny, middle aged guera. my banner read:" educating and employing immigrants has made our country successful since 1776. why stop now?")

thanks so much for your kickass writing. hope sanford

So basically, Hope, nobody could read your sign, is what you’re saying.


50 MOST DOO DEE DOO

Greetings,

I love whomever wrote "50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005". Can't thank you enough for that. I feel SO much better now after reading that piece. It was insightful, thoughtful, and entertaining. What more can one ask from a writer? Oh yeah, and it's FREE. Only in America.

Keep up the good work, blah blah blah, etc.

Warmest Regards,
-lew-

Lew,
Dear god, can we please talk about something else? Yeah, it’s the best thing ever written, by anyone, ever. We’ve heard it. That’s all anyone wants from us anymore! We’re probably going to have to talk about it with those “Best Week Ever” guys on Saturday, too. But what really makes this one special is that you actually typed “blah blah blah, etc.” Look, if you already know that what you’re telling us is something we will find to be tedious, what the hell could possibly motivate you to continue? Well, Lew? What? OCD? Kindness and gratitude? Well, now you know how wrong that can go. Anyway, look, no hard feelings, yadda yadda yadda bleep bom bing. And so forth.


LIVES TO PROMOTE

Dear Beast:  Thanks for the expose on the Post; I read the post on-line, or at least check the headlines, but I missed that.  I'm going to send them a letter to editor...I picked up your piece @Buzzfflash.com where I get a whole lot better and true info. 

Thanks again,
Bill Ziebell-Oregon

Bill,
That’s not interesting.


SUPPORT MY POOP

Anyone here read the March 30th Artvoice? In the letter's page is a letter from Sergeant Major Larry Smith, Retired, responding to an atricle about how one of the Buffalo schools enlisted all their students in the JROTC. Some of the details of the article may have been flavored to put the JROTC in an unfavorable light, but that's not the point of this topic. My point is his very last paragraph, and I quote: "On another note, I spent 26 years of my life defending the very freedom you take for granted when you publish this kind of message. We serve our country so that people like you don't have to." You hear this kind of thing alot, and I'd like to respond. Bullshit. I didn't ask you to go to some other country and kill people for my freedom, the fascists in Washington did. I get no benefit from what you're doing, whether its in Afghanistan or Iraq, Grenada, Somolia, Bosnia, Vietnam or wherever you want to justify this peculiar brand of American freedom. Where were you when Der Furher was taking away my rights with his U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act? (Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism) I don't care if you're doing great thing by building schools and hospitals, if the people in those countries wanted freedom and liberation, they could have stood up like we did and done it themselves. It's not, no matter what brush you paint it with, exporting democracy, it's imperialism. Democracy is of the people, by the people, for the people. And like in Vietnam, the actual people who should be fighting are going to let us soak up all the bullets they can. Der Furher wants to listen to your phone calls, torture people, suspend haebeus corpus and wants to pretend its for your benefit. Once again, we are exporting fascism, not democracy. They're spending money that we don't have, for things we don't need. If we weren't propping up dictatorships and putting troops in other people's holy lands, we wouldn't have as many terrorists. If we exported democracy by example, obeying our own laws as we interact with others, maybe we'd be getting somewhere. What we have now is all bullshit. And that sounds too much like propoganda.

Face it, you're a goverment employee with a hazardous job description.

Spider Jerusalem

Spider,
Yeah! Those fuckers in Iraq should be dying at a much higher multiple of our deaths! Right now they're only dying about ten times as fast as us. America can do better!

Sorry man, but you took a perfectly good point about how blowing up remote nations does little to protect us, and then fucked it all up by implying that Iraqis were just too lazy to overthrow their government, "like we did." What role exactly did you play in the revolutionary war, Spider? Just wondering.


 

Allan:
Just in case you actually care, this is one of the best articles I have read this year [“Stranger Danger,” issue #94].   Your depressingly accurate view of our world makes it clear that my best course of action is to go out and ride my bike on the Riverwalk.

Pete Reese

Dear Pete,
Have Fun!


MORE BOOTLICKING

     Dear Beast,

       Earlier this morning, I was introduced to you by a co-worker of mine. From that moment, not one bit of work was done by me- I was too busy delighting my eyes and brain with your amazing magazine. Everything about it made me laugh nearly to the point of absolute hysterics. Be assured that as soon as my bank account will let me, I will be subscribing to your magazine, as I feel that God may strike me dead if I defy him and don't become a regular reader of your magnificent publication. I have one important question: are you guys taking applications? If not, may I put one in anyways? The Beast is the exact thing that I've been looking to do with myself, and think we'd be beneficial to each other (like if we were to go out to a bar and some chick was like "Hey Beast, you are one sexy...umm...beast. I want to go home with you but I have this ugly friend here who needs to find someone." Since I'd owe you a minimum of one HUGE favor, I'd step in and be the wingman, ensuring that you'd get all the ass you deserve and more).

     Anyways Beast, even if you don't want to give me a shot, thank you for your amazing magazine that I will still be subscribing to regardless. If Bush wasn't shit, I bet he'd give you a Presidential commendation, not that you'd really want to take it. Plus, he'd probably be simultaneously giving awards to the Scooby Doo and Mighty Mouse for their valiant efforts to defeat the terrorists that are hiding under our beds and in our closets.

Sincerely,
Justin Willoughby

Dear Justin,
We like the way you think, young Jedi. Except in our version of the bar story, we’re high on some old-timey drug, like laudanum or ether or something, and at least one of us is wearing a monocle and top hat. Is that weird? Wait—are we already on laudanum and ether?
 


IT NEVER ENDS

Love the 50 worst people thing.  Especially the bit about Thomas Friedman.  Couple quibbles, though; you actually left out the most objectionable of all Jesse Jackson's missteps last year:  he actually joined the campaign to keep Teri Schaivo 'alive.'  Arguably Jesse is the worst of the lot, because we have no reason to expect anything from idiots like Judith Miller and human slime like Karl Rove, but Jesse Jackson really squandered his potential.  Also, I don't get the animus against McNabb.  It seems to me he played his heart out as long as he could last year.  But, whatev, you must be one of those insane Philadelphia sports fan.  The only sporting institution I have any use for in Philly is the one with the fillies, Philadelphia Park.  Hit the early Daily Double today.

Ted Kane
Long Beach, CA

Dear Ted,
Go eat your fucking Chunky Soup.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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