A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

Kino Korner
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

The BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.


I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
Josh Righter
Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.


Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.

  A Preview of This Issue of the BEAST
By Veteran Sabres’ Announcer Rick Jeanneret

Uthman wins the draw – and the show’s under way here in Buffalo, New York for this 99th issue, a key issue that is a must-win for the BEAST franchise. You can feel the excitement in the air…Fallon works the paper to center ice – and Uthman dumps it back off to Murphy – Murphy sends it back up along the boards..Uthman is pinned to the glass by Rumsfeld and Negroponte –and there’s a skirmish for the cover –WHOAAAA! Jumpin’ Jimminy! Murphy takes down the American Police State with an ironic cross reference to Orwell! Ehhhnd now Fallon scoops up the paper – AND we’re off to the races! Fallon passes the blue line...and he..shiaoo!-leaves for Uthman –with a SHyyyiiiiOT! That lead article goes just wide of penetrating the greater American ignorance (ooooh)– and Fallon chases it down in the corner – battling with area republicans for moral high ground- OH! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! Fallon is taken down with a blatant trip from Illuzzi – There is no call and as you can hear at home -every one of these BEAST fans is outraged. Gildea, still in the box, raving like a madman… Illuzzi sends it the length of the ice into the Buffalo zone…the BEAST making a change…with Jones coming in for Fallon. Uthman collects the paper behind the net and pushes it out of the Buffalo zone – Murphy fumbles with a highly indecent prank call and leaves it for JONES RACING AROSS CENTER IYIYICE! And a SHYiaaaat! – and Ottawa mayor Bob Chiarelli holds on to it as the 1st period draws to a close, here in Buffalo. And now we will take a break for station identification…

And we are back after a scoreless 1st period…and a packed house here at BEAST arena. …eyyyhnd Uthman, team captain kicks the paper out wide to Jones – up to Fallon on the riyyyght side – and he dumps it in the Ottawa zone – OH AND UTHMAN BACK TO JONES AT THE POINT-AND HE SCORES! JONES SCORES! Jones burning the mayor of Ottawa wiiiiith a SCORCHER FROM THE BLUE LINE! TOP SHELF WHEYERE MOMMA HIYIDES THE INCRIMNATING EVIDENCE OF MAYORAL MISCONDUCT! And the crowd is going wild! And we are halfway through the 2nd with the BEAST up 1, nil…Uthman, again flawless tonight on face-offs!

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

 
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