A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

Kino Korner
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.

Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

The BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.

I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
Josh Righter
Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.

Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.

  The BEAST Page 3
Postponed Mushroom Cloud

Name: Divine Strake Turn-ons: Arid desert climes, busting bunkers, Donald Rumsfeld, ammonium nitrate, fuel oil, kicking up radioactive fallout, intimidating Islamic nations with underground nuclear facilities and incomprehensible destruction. You know – 700-ton bomb stuff. Turn-offs: Native Americans, Mormons, anybody down wind really, tree hugging hippies, of course the Iranians, oh and Japs – I Hate them so much! Just in my blood, I can’t help it.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud: Well I was all set to go off on June 2nd, about 100 miles north of Vegas until the Winnemucca Indians starting being all wuss. “Oh nooo! Please don’t kick up 50 years of nuclear fallout in our faces. It will mess up our hair!” Can you believe that? So now, it’s all tied up in court and when I got the call to be the BEAST Page 3, I figured what the hell. It’s not like I got anything better going on.

Future Plans: If American history has demonstrated anything at all, it’s that no one cares about the rights of Indians. That said, unless white people start taking offense, I’ll be devastating a large swath of Nevada desert in the not so distant future. Until then: X-Box and bong hits.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a WMD that really helped spread freedom across the globe—by destroying a decent sized chunk of it.



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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