Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you know the front right bedpost—the whirring one, with the seemingly random telescoping action? No, the one you’ve mentioned to your wife sounds eerily as if it’s barking directions at you during coitus? No, that’s rear left you’re thinking of and, once again, that’s for lighting—look, forget it, it’s not important. Just remember it’s very unbecoming for you to be staring right into that post, furrowing your brow and twisting your face in confusion—I know you can’t help it during, you know…Anyway, try concentrating on your wife. And for brevity’s sake, pass this along to your dad.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I thought I’d alert you to the fact your bosses are now actively monitoring your web activity at work. To date, they’ve noted 613 queries for the terms “Elephant Man,” “Battle Cat,” “Sunday Silence,” “Eudora Welty” and “Benjamin Disraeli” in various permutations. What ever happened to good old fashioned porn? You’re an animal, Gemini; not a human being.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Christ, Cancer, I told you: that news anchor wasn’t winking at you. He had a scratched cornea. But even if he were somehow flirting only with you, that’s no excuse for just packing up and moving 2,000 miles away, leaving your elderly dad to care for himself. You could have at least smothered him before you left. It’s all about you, isn’t it, Cancer?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

No, Leo: “Scooby Doo Doo” is not a clever title for a scat fetish film. No, not even an animated one.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, by now you’re aware this is a painfully uninspired volume of the ‘Scopes. Consequently, we’re open to suggestions here. What do you want to hear? That it’s all going to work out? That you’re going to be okay? Sorry, Virgo. We’re not that desperate yet. Oh, and tomorrow your stunned doctors will tell you that constantly whistling “Always Look On the Bright Side” has apparently had a nourishing effect on your cancer. It’s metastasized prodigiously.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, you can deny it all you want. Everyone knows why you’ve been sitting in front of that same machine every Friday night for the last three years. But the sad—yes, sad—fact is: “The Last Starfighter,” while a mildly amusing premise and irritatingly unabashed marketing integration, was a work of fiction. No one’s going to spirit you away, suddenly one night, to another galaxy to fight aliens because you’re good at a game. Especially not when it’s “Dukes of Hazzard” pinball.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, normally we don’t condone gambling—because we’re not in a position to affect the odds. But, trust us on this one: the smart money’s on Ottawa. Grab yourself some nice seed money for that Dell employee savings plan.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I’m pleading with you: please stop using the phrases “cat person” and “dog person” when discussing your compatibility with potential mates. It’s juvenile and nonsensical—a superstition on par with religion in its invidiousness. Besides, everyone knows cat folk are dissolute, fascist pederasts.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

No, Capricorn, I wasn’t aware that nude pictures of the “Power Puff Girls” are considered child pornography. Let me say, though, your trademark nuanced arguments are particularly unhelpful in this case.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, I find the alternating and intersecting themes of cartoons and hardcore sex, in this edition of the ‘Scopes, profoundly disturbing. And yet, I can’t look away.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

I agree, Pisces, that political ideologies need not get in the way of romance. Look at James Carville and Abe Vigoda. But, you need to…What? That’s a woman? Are you…are you positive? All this time, I thought Carville was married to “Fish.” The point is you have to have…James Carville, I’m talking about: pallid, apish southerner. Clinton adviser…He’s married to a woman? You’re absolutely certain?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I warned you about watching the “O’Reilly Factor,” Aries. How many times did I tell you: “That’s your opinion” isn’t a substantive rebuttal? Worse, it isn’t a defense to murder. If it’s any consolation, they’re probably not Fox fans at Pelican Bay.