Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned
the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner...
Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!
Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press
BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent
Hill, The Wild.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you know the front right bedpost—the whirring
one, with the seemingly random telescoping action? No, the one
you’ve mentioned to your wife sounds eerily as if it’s
barking directions at you during coitus? No, that’s rear
left you’re thinking of and, once again, that’s
for lighting—look, forget it, it’s not important.
Just remember it’s very unbecoming for you to be staring
right into that post, furrowing your brow and twisting your
face in confusion—I know you can’t help it during,
you know…Anyway, try concentrating on your wife. And for
brevity’s sake, pass this along to your dad.
(May 21 –June 20)
I thought I’d alert you to the fact your bosses are now
actively monitoring your web activity at work. To date, they’ve
noted 613 queries for the terms “Elephant Man,”
“Battle Cat,” “Sunday Silence,” “Eudora
Welty” and “Benjamin Disraeli” in various
permutations. What ever happened to good old fashioned porn?
You’re an animal, Gemini; not a human being.
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer, I told you: that news anchor wasn’t winking at
you. He had a scratched cornea. But even if he were somehow
flirting only with you, that’s no excuse for just packing
up and moving 2,000 miles away, leaving your elderly dad to
care for himself. You could have at least smothered him before
you left. It’s all about you, isn’t it, Cancer?
(July 23-Aug. 22)
No, Leo: “Scooby Doo Doo” is not a clever title
for a scat fetish film. No, not even an animated one.
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
by now you’re aware this is a painfully uninspired volume
of the ‘Scopes. Consequently, we’re open to suggestions
here. What do you want to hear? That it’s all going to
work out? That you’re going to be okay? Sorry, Virgo.
We’re not that desperate yet. Oh, and tomorrow your stunned
doctors will tell you that constantly whistling “Always
Look On the Bright Side” has apparently had a nourishing
effect on your cancer. It’s metastasized prodigiously.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
you can deny it all you want. Everyone knows why you’ve
been sitting in front of that same machine every Friday night
for the last three years. But the sad—yes, sad—fact
is: “The Last Starfighter,” while a mildly amusing
premise and irritatingly unabashed marketing integration, was
a work of fiction. No one’s going to spirit you away,
suddenly one night, to another galaxy to fight aliens because
you’re good at a game. Especially not when it’s
“Dukes of Hazzard” pinball.
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
normally we don’t condone gambling—because we’re
not in a position to affect the odds. But, trust us on this
one: the smart money’s on Ottawa. Grab yourself some nice
seed money for that Dell employee savings plan.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
I’m pleading with you: please stop using the phrases “cat
person” and “dog person” when discussing your
compatibility with potential mates. It’s juvenile and
nonsensical—a superstition on par with religion in its
invidiousness. Besides, everyone knows cat folk are dissolute,
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, I wasn’t aware that nude pictures of the “Power
Puff Girls” are considered child pornography. Let me say,
though, your trademark nuanced arguments are particularly unhelpful
in this case.
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
I find the alternating and intersecting themes of cartoons and
hardcore sex, in this edition of the ‘Scopes, profoundly
disturbing. And yet, I can’t look away.
(Feb 19-March 20)
agree, Pisces, that political ideologies need not get in the
way of romance. Look at James Carville and Abe Vigoda. But,
you need to…What? That’s a woman? Are you…are
you positive? All this time, I thought Carville was married
to “Fish.” The point is you have to have…James
Carville, I’m talking about: pallid, apish southerner.
Clinton adviser…He’s married to a woman? You’re
(March 21-April 19)
warned you about watching the “O’Reilly Factor,”
Aries. How many times did I tell you: “That’s your
opinion” isn’t a substantive rebuttal? Worse, it
isn’t a defense to murder. If it’s any consolation,
they’re probably not Fox fans at Pelican Bay.