A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

Kino Korner
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

The BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.


I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
Josh Righter
Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.


Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you know the front right bedpost—the whirring one, with the seemingly random telescoping action? No, the one you’ve mentioned to your wife sounds eerily as if it’s barking directions at you during coitus? No, that’s rear left you’re thinking of and, once again, that’s for lighting—look, forget it, it’s not important. Just remember it’s very unbecoming for you to be staring right into that post, furrowing your brow and twisting your face in confusion—I know you can’t help it during, you know…Anyway, try concentrating on your wife. And for brevity’s sake, pass this along to your dad.


Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I thought I’d alert you to the fact your bosses are now actively monitoring your web activity at work. To date, they’ve noted 613 queries for the terms “Elephant Man,” “Battle Cat,” “Sunday Silence,” “Eudora Welty” and “Benjamin Disraeli” in various permutations. What ever happened to good old fashioned porn? You’re an animal, Gemini; not a human being.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Christ, Cancer, I told you: that news anchor wasn’t winking at you. He had a scratched cornea. But even if he were somehow flirting only with you, that’s no excuse for just packing up and moving 2,000 miles away, leaving your elderly dad to care for himself. You could have at least smothered him before you left. It’s all about you, isn’t it, Cancer?


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

No, Leo: “Scooby Doo Doo” is not a clever title for a scat fetish film. No, not even an animated one.

 

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, by now you’re aware this is a painfully uninspired volume of the ‘Scopes. Consequently, we’re open to suggestions here. What do you want to hear? That it’s all going to work out? That you’re going to be okay? Sorry, Virgo. We’re not that desperate yet. Oh, and tomorrow your stunned doctors will tell you that constantly whistling “Always Look On the Bright Side” has apparently had a nourishing effect on your cancer. It’s metastasized prodigiously.


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, you can deny it all you want. Everyone knows why you’ve been sitting in front of that same machine every Friday night for the last three years. But the sad—yes, sad—fact is: “The Last Starfighter,” while a mildly amusing premise and irritatingly unabashed marketing integration, was a work of fiction. No one’s going to spirit you away, suddenly one night, to another galaxy to fight aliens because you’re good at a game. Especially not when it’s “Dukes of Hazzard” pinball.

 


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, normally we don’t condone gambling—because we’re not in a position to affect the odds. But, trust us on this one: the smart money’s on Ottawa. Grab yourself some nice seed money for that Dell employee savings plan.

 


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I’m pleading with you: please stop using the phrases “cat person” and “dog person” when discussing your compatibility with potential mates. It’s juvenile and nonsensical—a superstition on par with religion in its invidiousness. Besides, everyone knows cat folk are dissolute, fascist pederasts.

 


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

No, Capricorn, I wasn’t aware that nude pictures of the “Power Puff Girls” are considered child pornography. Let me say, though, your trademark nuanced arguments are particularly unhelpful in this case.

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, I find the alternating and intersecting themes of cartoons and hardcore sex, in this edition of the ‘Scopes, profoundly disturbing. And yet, I can’t look away.

 


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

I agree, Pisces, that political ideologies need not get in the way of romance. Look at James Carville and Abe Vigoda. But, you need to…What? That’s a woman? Are you…are you positive? All this time, I thought Carville was married to “Fish.” The point is you have to have…James Carville, I’m talking about: pallid, apish southerner. Clinton adviser…He’s married to a woman? You’re absolutely certain?


Aries (March 21-April 19)

I warned you about watching the “O’Reilly Factor,” Aries. How many times did I tell you: “That’s your opinion” isn’t a substantive rebuttal? Worse, it isn’t a defense to murder. If it’s any consolation, they’re probably not Fox fans at Pelican Bay.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

 
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