A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

Kino Korner
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

The BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.


I'm with Stupid
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press secretary.
Allan Uthman
The BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
Ian Murphy
Thanks, Artvoice!
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Pyramid Scheme
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Kit Smith
VP Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Clayton Byrd
Raising Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
Josh Righter
Kino Korner
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent Hill, The Wild.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament

[sic] - Letters
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.


Achtung Doobie!
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Oh Lawdi Lawdi!
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
High Office
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate stunned.

 

SPOILIN’ SIMON

Dear Beasties,
I don't read the Buffalo News on purpose. I happened to glance at a section of that piece the other day in some coffee shop and in reading the byline of a Jeff Simon "review" had a film completely spoiled.

I can't see this film now because of this bunghole.

I've been waiting literally like 5 months to see this film.

Jeff Simon is a major asshole.

Sincerely,
Chris S.

Dear Chris,
Perhaps, but is he a “major league asshole?” We’d go on, but your story is so vague—no hint as to what movie, or how it was spoiled—we can only guess that you didn’t know how United 93 turned out.

 

PUNCH SPIKED

My name is Kari Newton and I too have been a victim of Judge Punch's bigotry, and horribly unjustifiable baseless decisions. I have corresponded with Rachel and have since had numerous mothers contact me who have suffered the same fate before his court.

This man not only needs to be removed from the bench, but should be punished for his conduct which is far from professional. He basis his decisions on "his" opinions and unfortunately it is known throughout the legal community that he is a monstrous male chauvinist.

It is about time something is being done about this abusive, poor excuse of a man. One thing all of us mothers have in common is the fact that Punch always challenged our mental health as a last resort when all other accusations failed. Even with reports that undoubtedly stated we were of "sound" mind, he would continue to order evaluation after evaluation and even tried to force ME to go to an Institute of HIS choice, knowing he had some pull with the doctors there.

I and these other inconsolable grieving mothers will do what ever it takes to see Judge Punch come to justice, and we WILL NOT rest until we do!

Thank you for your time Kari Newton

Dear Kari,
So… what are you wearing?

 

STILL WRONG

Thank you for invalidating my statement based on your misinterpretation of "if the people in those countries wanted freedom and liberation, they could have stood up like we did and done it themselves."

I did not mean to imply that a) Iraqis were lazy or b) that I played some part in the revolutionary war. History shows, time and again, that when the people become so overburdened by a repressive government and lack of representation, they may choose to excercise that will in a more direct fashion. We did it, the Cubans, the Russians twice, the Iranians, the Indians (from India, slackjaws, the ones here are content to take your money, but try and tax them and we'll see what happens), The Vietnamese twice, the Chinese, the French, etc. It's not inconceivable that in spite of terrible things happening to some, that the majority were relatively content, pacified by whatever it was that their government provided them. This is a mirror image of what is happening here in America. Right now we're only torturing foriegners, but it is simply a matter of time before they will justify abducting an American who happens to be Arabic or Arabic looking for alleged Al-Qeada connections. And the American people will either have had enough and stand up, or they will watch American Idol. But I digress.

Like the Bolivians who took back their water, the will of the people, if they choose to use it, cannot be denied. It's simple math. If 5% control 95% of the wealth, it is only the placidity of that 95% that keeps them from taking it away. There aren't enough cops and soldiers to stand in the way.

Spider Jerusalem

Spider,
Uh, yeah, the thing about jailing American citizens without charge? Already happened—twice. Padilla, Hamdi. American Idol totally won. And by the way, the American rebels got big help from France, Spain, and the Netherlands to beat the Brits—otherwise, “the will of the people” would never have prevailed. It’s sort of like when George H.W. Bush implored Iraqi Shiites and Kurds to rise up against Saddam—which they did—offering American military support. Except the Europeans actually helped us, and Bush left the rebelling Iraqis to be slaughtered.

 

BEAST JUNKIE HITS NEW LOW

oh, beast!

There I stood last Monday, in front of the newspaper box beside D'youville College. I was certain that the seemingly ubiquitous Beast Thief had stolen my only joy between classes. As the full stack of freshly pressed Artvoices silently mocked me, I decided to look deep within my ‘blackened soul’ and decide what was better: reading Artvoice, or reading nothing. I decided to hell with journalistic integrity, originality, and humor, and just grabbed the fucking thing before I was spotted. Needless to say, I didn’t get past the fifth page before I went partially blind (I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon of readers who claim of physical phenomena caused by what is displeasure—“Listening to [a local politician] gave me cancer”, “Reading this killed 7% of my brain”, etc.). But before I lost my good eye I was astounded to find another blatant plagiarism of Beast--on page four I believe. A two-page article about how Bush either resembles, acts like, or is a monkey (ripping of A Monkey’s similar yet infinitely more intelligent and witty original). Are they fucking kidding? It amazes me how many morons try to pull this crap, as the published letter from a couple of issues ago pointed out. I mean the Buffalo in Briefs rip-off was unbelievable. I’m actually digressing from the main point of this email. After leaving the newspaper box, and being metaphorically empty handed, I headed to the library. Entering the head a few hours later, I noticed the idiosyncratic format of a Beast paper laying on the top of paper towels and the like in an open garbage can. Thanks Beast, for completely degrading me to the point where I’m willing to read what some asshole probably read while taking a shit.

Bruce bruce


Dear Bruce bruce,
You know you love it. Besides, you’re the one going around calling himself “Bruce bruce.” Read our trash, Bruce bruce; read our trash and like it. Or you could subscribe like that nice fellow from Florida down the page.

 

[sic] IN THE HEAD

Hi Mr. Uthman & co,
Last issue's editorial, discussing White House Press Secretary Tony Snow's brainwashed insanity, was pretty great. You could have made the same point by just printing a picture of him with some photoshopped cocks squirting on his forehead, and his own quotes next to it with no extra comments. Of course the comments made it more funny, it's just that obvious.

I notice you seem to have put the classifieds section on hiatus. Sorry if it wasn't successful. I just wanted to let you know about my results with it. Last year, I got a cheap ad to sell a box of used porn I found on a sidewalk, and someone called right away to buy it for OK bucks. You guys let the ad keep running and after a few prank messenges, I asked to cancel. 6 months later, I got 1 more real call about it, at 6AM, from some insane person with a "porn emergency". My next ad was to sell regular books and it had 1 response. While I was away one weekend, some guy called... and called... and called. When I called back, I got... the psych center. Being generous, I did entertain his request for book delivery to his ward, that is, until he asked for "everything" (a few thousand books), then when I said I would only bring as much as I could carry for $50, he told me I could go get money from a guy in another ward who owed him. It finally took a threat to stop his 8AM calls (right when phone access for patients starts, I guess.) Perhaps that may say something about the state of your readership (including me.)

Keep up the awesome writing. Your happy subscriber, P.

Dear P,
Dude, I still want those books.

 

HOLY [sic]!

Greetings from the rabid ConsumerChrist culture of South Florida, where 'bigger and newer' is better but 'bigger, newer and Christian' is the ultimate in status.

A friend in Rochester (Thanks Ken!) just mailed me four back issues of your rag: HOLY SHIT! I am duly impressed, and I really enjoyed those issues.

My wife's a native Buffalonian, and I'm a native Rochestarian, getting those issues both reminded us of why we left and of the great population of free thinking people that are up there.

I just went to your site and shelled out the subscription cash, and am looking forward to receiving my first issue...

-Drew Bateman
Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Dear Drew,
About those free thinking people…could you maybe introduce us?

 

MOVE OVER SY HERSH

I loved "Pie for Bauerle Falls Flat" on page 8 of the April 26 May 10 issue. It was writing worthy of The New Yorker! Kept me fascinated all the way + and the laughs got better and louder.

Whoever wrote the piece (and the emails) is a craftsman. Love to see more of this stuff!

Sincerely,
Joyce L. Wilson

Dear Joyce,
That’s tail gunner Ian Murphy, and you’re right about his being a craftsman—you should see his wainscoting. Seriously, though—the New Yorker makes you laugh?

 

THE MOSES DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH

From: Jamie Moses
To: Paul Fallon
Subject: The Sabres

Paul,
I was at Founding Father's watching the Sabres v.s. Flyers game four when someone came over to show me a copy of the Beast with a little story about WHLD and Al Franken that included me in it. It's curious how the people who work at the Beast seem to spend time thinking of me when I never think of you people at all. Other than looking at the front page when I see the Beast sitting on bar shelf somewhere I never even pick the paper up. I've probably looked through about four or five issues since the inception of the paper. Of course, being a childhood fan of Marvel Comics I wouldn't have missed reading the issue of the Beast with me on the cover as the Green Goblin. The imaginings that go on there are colorful though, I'll give you that. However, the idea of me being in any kind of twit over your appearance at Franken–– forget it. I couldn't care less about it. I really don't even know why Artvoice was called a sponsor for that event. We didn't do anything to earn that honor. We didn't even advertise it. And although we interviewed Al Franken before the event, it was such a boring interview we didn't print it. As you know I didn't even bother to go to the thing. I did get a phone call during the event giving me a "heads up" that you were there and on a panel or something. Apparently some people were unhappy about that but I wasn't one of them. Obviously, if Al Franken meant anything to me I would have walked two whole blocks through our back alley to see the guy. Fortunately, I can find better things to do than spend an afternoon kissing up to Al Franken. He has his fans, as the reported full house at the church indicates, so God bless him. But I read his book last year and except for an excellent chapter on an environmental issue (which was mostly lifted from Robert Kennedy, Jr.) I didn't find it compelling reading. Anyway, in case you might be tempted to believe what you publish I thought I would make my position clear–go forth and be on all the radio you can get on, and may your newspaper grow and multiply. It certainly isn't going to make me unhappy. And it's always nice to see my name in print. As Oscar Wilde wrote in the "Picture of Dorian Gray”.... "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and this not being talked about."
Jamie

Dear Jamie,
Touché! Nothing says “imperturbably unaware” like a written response. Unless it’s a stick-wielding rampage through your target of disinterest’s office coupled with threats of violence, followed by an email alerting local politicians, the FBI and the Secretary of State to your utter indifference to, you know, whomever you’re not concerned with. But we can’t lay claim to such a cool, stolid response—you came up with that masterstroke of stoicism yourself when our first issue was published, despite your tycoonish efforts to stop its printing.

That’s right, folks: If there’s someone who’s in a “twit” over his treatment by The BEAST, you can bet it’s not Jamie Moses. And he’s got the malapropisms and middling English skills to prove it.

We’re not sure which part of your purported decision to spike the piece on Franken we found more shocking: your seeming admission that your staff is incapable of conducting a decent interview or the idea something might actually be too boring for publication in Artvoice. Ye gods! How painfully dull must Franken have been to get beaten out by “Artist of the Week?” Was the comedian-turned pundit suspended in gelatin for the duration of the interview?

You don’t know why Artvoice was called a Franken sponsor? Well gosh, we don’t know either, Jamie. It’s your paper—but, if it’s come to this, we guess it’s possible all that time you’re spending not thinking about us may be hampering your ability to serve competently. We don’t suppose there’s any chance that you might consider sponsoring our next event? Or at least letting us say you did?

Anyway, thanks for writing, Jamie. Your response is appreciated, and will in no way encourage us to continue needling you in the future.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

 
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Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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