I don't read the Buffalo News on purpose. I happened to glance
at a section of that piece the other day in some coffee shop
and in reading the byline of a Jeff Simon "review"
had a film completely spoiled.
I can't see this film now because of this bunghole.
I've been waiting literally like 5 months to
see this film.
Jeff Simon is a major asshole.
Perhaps, but is he a “major league asshole?” We’d
go on, but your story is so vague—no hint as to what movie,
or how it was spoiled—we can only guess that you didn’t
know how United 93 turned out.
My name is Kari Newton and I too have been
a victim of Judge Punch's bigotry, and horribly unjustifiable
baseless decisions. I have corresponded with Rachel and have
since had numerous mothers contact me who have suffered the
same fate before his court.
This man not only needs to be removed from
the bench, but should be punished for his conduct which is far
from professional. He basis his decisions on "his"
opinions and unfortunately it is known throughout the legal
community that he is a monstrous male chauvinist.
It is about time something is being done about
this abusive, poor excuse of a man. One thing all of us mothers
have in common is the fact that Punch always challenged our
mental health as a last resort when all other accusations failed.
Even with reports that undoubtedly stated we were of "sound"
mind, he would continue to order evaluation after evaluation
and even tried to force ME to go to an Institute of HIS choice,
knowing he had some pull with the doctors there.
I and these other inconsolable grieving mothers
will do what ever it takes to see Judge Punch come to justice,
and we WILL NOT rest until we do!
Thank you for your time Kari Newton
So… what are you wearing?
Thank you for invalidating my statement based
on your misinterpretation of "if the people in those countries
wanted freedom and liberation, they could have stood up like
we did and done it themselves."
I did not mean to imply that a) Iraqis were
lazy or b) that I played some part in the revolutionary war.
History shows, time and again, that when the people become so
overburdened by a repressive government and lack of representation,
they may choose to excercise that will in a more direct fashion.
We did it, the Cubans, the Russians twice, the Iranians, the
Indians (from India, slackjaws, the ones here are content to
take your money, but try and tax them and we'll see what happens),
The Vietnamese twice, the Chinese, the French, etc. It's not
inconceivable that in spite of terrible things happening to
some, that the majority were relatively content, pacified by
whatever it was that their government provided them. This is
a mirror image of what is happening here in America. Right now
we're only torturing foriegners, but it is simply a matter of
time before they will justify abducting an American who happens
to be Arabic or Arabic looking for alleged Al-Qeada connections.
And the American people will either have had enough and stand
up, or they will watch American Idol. But I digress.
Like the Bolivians who took back their water,
the will of the people, if they choose to use it, cannot be
denied. It's simple math. If 5% control 95% of the wealth, it
is only the placidity of that 95% that keeps them from taking
it away. There aren't enough cops and soldiers to stand in the
Uh, yeah, the thing about jailing American citizens without
charge? Already happened—twice. Padilla, Hamdi. American
Idol totally won. And by the way, the American rebels got big
help from France, Spain, and the Netherlands to beat the Brits—otherwise,
“the will of the people” would never have prevailed.
It’s sort of like when George H.W. Bush implored Iraqi
Shiites and Kurds to rise up against Saddam—which they
did—offering American military support. Except the Europeans
actually helped us, and Bush left the rebelling Iraqis to be
BEAST JUNKIE HITS NEW LOW
There I stood last Monday, in front of the newspaper
box beside D'youville College. I was certain that the seemingly
ubiquitous Beast Thief had stolen my only joy between classes.
As the full stack of freshly pressed Artvoices silently mocked
me, I decided to look deep within my ‘blackened soul’
and decide what was better: reading Artvoice, or reading nothing.
I decided to hell with journalistic integrity, originality,
and humor, and just grabbed the fucking thing before I was spotted.
Needless to say, I didn’t get past the fifth page before
I went partially blind (I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon
of readers who claim of physical phenomena caused by what is
displeasure—“Listening to [a local politician] gave
me cancer”, “Reading this killed 7% of my brain”,
etc.). But before I lost my good eye I was astounded to find
another blatant plagiarism of Beast--on page four I believe.
A two-page article about how Bush either resembles, acts like,
or is a monkey (ripping of A Monkey’s similar yet infinitely
more intelligent and witty original). Are they fucking kidding?
It amazes me how many morons try to pull this crap, as the published
letter from a couple of issues ago pointed out. I mean the Buffalo
in Briefs rip-off was unbelievable. I’m actually digressing
from the main point of this email. After leaving the newspaper
box, and being metaphorically empty handed, I headed to the
library. Entering the head a few hours later, I noticed the
idiosyncratic format of a Beast paper laying on the top of paper
towels and the like in an open garbage can. Thanks Beast, for
completely degrading me to the point where I’m willing
to read what some asshole probably read while taking a shit.
Dear Bruce bruce,
You know you love it. Besides, you’re the one going around
calling himself “Bruce bruce.” Read our trash, Bruce
bruce; read our trash and like it. Or you could subscribe like
that nice fellow from Florida down the page.
[sic] IN THE HEAD
Hi Mr. Uthman & co,
Last issue's editorial, discussing White House Press Secretary
Tony Snow's brainwashed insanity, was pretty great. You could
have made the same point by just printing a picture of him with
some photoshopped cocks squirting on his forehead, and his own
quotes next to it with no extra comments. Of course the comments
made it more funny, it's just that obvious.
I notice you seem to have put the classifieds
section on hiatus. Sorry if it wasn't successful. I just wanted
to let you know about my results with it. Last year, I got a
cheap ad to sell a box of used porn I found on a sidewalk, and
someone called right away to buy it for OK bucks. You guys let
the ad keep running and after a few prank messenges, I asked
to cancel. 6 months later, I got 1 more real call about it,
at 6AM, from some insane person with a "porn emergency".
My next ad was to sell regular books and it had 1 response.
While I was away one weekend, some guy called... and called...
and called. When I called back, I got... the psych center. Being
generous, I did entertain his request for book delivery to his
ward, that is, until he asked for "everything" (a
few thousand books), then when I said I would only bring as
much as I could carry for $50, he told me I could go get money
from a guy in another ward who owed him. It finally took a threat
to stop his 8AM calls (right when phone access for patients
starts, I guess.) Perhaps that may say something about the state
of your readership (including me.)
Keep up the awesome writing. Your happy subscriber,
Dude, I still want those books.
Greetings from the rabid ConsumerChrist culture
of South Florida, where 'bigger and newer' is better but 'bigger,
newer and Christian' is the ultimate in status.
A friend in Rochester (Thanks Ken!) just mailed
me four back issues of your rag: HOLY SHIT! I am duly impressed,
and I really enjoyed those issues.
My wife's a native Buffalonian, and I'm a native
Rochestarian, getting those issues both reminded us of why we
left and of the great population of free thinking people that
are up there.
I just went to your site and shelled out the
subscription cash, and am looking forward to receiving my first
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
About those free thinking people…could you maybe introduce
MOVE OVER SY HERSH
I loved "Pie for Bauerle Falls Flat"
on page 8 of the April 26 May 10 issue. It was writing worthy
of The New Yorker! Kept me fascinated all the way + and the
laughs got better and louder.
Whoever wrote the piece (and the emails) is
a craftsman. Love to see more of this stuff!
Joyce L. Wilson
That’s tail gunner Ian Murphy, and you’re right
about his being a craftsman—you should see his wainscoting.
Seriously, though—the New Yorker makes you laugh?
THE MOSES DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
From: Jamie Moses
To: Paul Fallon
Subject: The Sabres
I was at Founding Father's watching the Sabres v.s. Flyers game
four when someone came over to show me a copy of the Beast with
a little story about WHLD and Al Franken that included me in
it. It's curious how the people who work at the Beast seem to
spend time thinking of me when I never think of you people at
all. Other than looking at the front page when I see the Beast
sitting on bar shelf somewhere I never even pick the paper up.
I've probably looked through about four or five issues since
the inception of the paper. Of course, being a childhood fan
of Marvel Comics I wouldn't have missed reading the issue of
the Beast with me on the cover as the Green Goblin. The imaginings
that go on there are colorful though, I'll give you that. However,
the idea of me being in any kind of twit over your appearance
at Franken–– forget it. I couldn't care less about
it. I really don't even know why Artvoice was called a sponsor
for that event. We didn't do anything to earn that honor. We
didn't even advertise it. And although we interviewed Al Franken
before the event, it was such a boring interview we didn't print
it. As you know I didn't even bother to go to the thing. I did
get a phone call during the event giving me a "heads up"
that you were there and on a panel or something. Apparently
some people were unhappy about that but I wasn't one of them.
Obviously, if Al Franken meant anything to me I would have walked
two whole blocks through our back alley to see the guy. Fortunately,
I can find better things to do than spend an afternoon kissing
up to Al Franken. He has his fans, as the reported full house
at the church indicates, so God bless him. But I read his book
last year and except for an excellent chapter on an environmental
issue (which was mostly lifted from Robert Kennedy, Jr.) I didn't
find it compelling reading. Anyway, in case you might be tempted
to believe what you publish I thought I would make my position
clear–go forth and be on all the radio you can get on,
and may your newspaper grow and multiply. It certainly isn't
going to make me unhappy. And it's always nice to see my name
in print. As Oscar Wilde wrote in the "Picture of Dorian
Gray”.... "There is only one thing in the world worse
than being talked about, and this not being talked about."
Touché! Nothing says “imperturbably unaware”
like a written response. Unless it’s a stick-wielding
rampage through your target of disinterest’s office
coupled with threats of violence, followed by an email alerting
local politicians, the FBI and the Secretary of State to your
utter indifference to, you know, whomever you’re not concerned
with. But we can’t lay claim to such a cool, stolid response—you
came up with that masterstroke of stoicism yourself when our
first issue was published, despite your tycoonish efforts to
stop its printing.
That’s right, folks: If
there’s someone who’s in a “twit” over
his treatment by The BEAST, you can bet it’s not Jamie
Moses. And he’s got the malapropisms and middling English
skills to prove it.
We’re not sure which part
of your purported decision to spike the piece on Franken we
found more shocking: your seeming admission that your staff
is incapable of conducting a decent interview or the idea something
might actually be too boring for publication in Artvoice. Ye
gods! How painfully dull must Franken have been to get beaten
out by “Artist of the Week?” Was the comedian-turned
pundit suspended in gelatin for the duration of the interview?
You don’t know why Artvoice
was called a Franken sponsor? Well gosh, we don’t know
either, Jamie. It’s your paper—but, if it’s
come to this, we guess it’s possible all that time you’re
spending not thinking about us may be hampering your ability
to serve competently. We don’t suppose there’s any
chance that you might consider sponsoring our next event? Or
at least letting us say you did?
Anyway, thanks for writing,
Jamie. Your response is appreciated, and will in no way encourage
us to continue needling you in the future.