"Totally coup, yo."

A Bridge to the Future




A modest proposal to destroy faith



I hereby propose, on this magnanimous day, the Importeenth of August, 2010, a practical solution to destroy religious belief in our time. For reasons which will soon be abundantly clear, some steps need to be taken before this very practical proposal can be fully elucidated. So, without delay:

Step 1) Each community in the world shall dig a massive pit (a bottomless pit would be ideal, but we must be realistic about these things).

Step 2) At the — unfortunate — bottom of said pit will be constructed a tightly packed grid of very sharp, and preferably rusty, iron spikes, which are to protrude skyward. Poorer communities may use hewn logs, dangerously jagged rocks, broken glass or the sharp wit of Christopher Hitchens.

Step 3) The brightest engineering minds from each community shall design and build a “Bridge of Reason” over their respective pits. From the Pygmy’s time-tested limb and vine construction to the Swede’s Bucky Fuller-inspired octet truss, each design will be tested to withstand weight far beyond that of its modest purpose: transporting humanity into a more noble future.

Step 4) Alongside these robust bridges, constructed by our most able engineers, shall be put to work large teams of ecumenical clergy, shamans, new-age gurus and paranormal believers. They will build a “Bridge of Faith.” It will be made out of Scotch tape and, less substantive, the collected essays of Deepak Chopra. Instead of steel, wood or stone, this bridge will be largely supported by ghosts, the power of prayer and the invisible hands of god.

The Proposal

Once a year, on the Importeenth of August, the entire community shall gather at their pits for a new ritual – a grand party. The people will enjoy a bevy of beverages, a cornucopia of cakes, and be forced to make a simple choice between life & death.

As humanity itself must abandon its childish make-believe, upon reaching the age of thirteen each child will be lured to the pits (with cake or threat of execution), on this, the Importeenth of August, to make a choice — to perform a rite of passage into adulthood. The journey is uncomplicated: get to the other side of the dangerous pit, which is now surely teeming with rats, insects and various filth, and you become an adult. The choice is likewise an uncomplicated one: take the “Bridge of Reason” or take the “Bridge of Faith.” It’s totally up to them.

Artist's conception
Artist’s conception

I’d like to imagine the pit-rats fat with the decomposing flesh of deserving religious idiots but, clearly, almost no one will choose the “Bridge of Faith.” Those who do will die. Those who take the “Bridge of Reason,” despite their purported religious conviction, will be summarily mocked and forced to reevaluate why we should use reason to guide our lives instead of faith.

In the childish make-believe land of ghosts and gods, faith in this nonsense is the only way to make sense of it. In the real world, where we all live, faith cannot carry us into the future any more than it can over a spiky pit of death. It makes no sense.

OK, I’m done here. I’m going to buy a shovel. See you next August!

  • Edward

    The sharp wit of Christopher Hitchens has been irreversibly dulled by cancerous calamity. It may be that remaindered copies of Prepared for the Worst, his first essay collection, can be used instead.

  • Biff Squat-thrust

    Hmmm..I detect the unmistakably bitter overtones of someone who was raised in a strict, faith-based religion in this article.

    No one who started out life as an atheist can truly appreciate the pustulous and rancid memories of those who were force-fed religion in their youth.

  • http://www.zazzle.com/briman232* Brian

    Alright you ignorant atheists… if there is no god, then HOW DOES THE SUN KEEP ORBITING THE EARTH? BAM!

    You see people, that’s how you deal with atheist skum. With LOGIC! Hit that bullseye and the rest of the dominoes will come down like a house of cards… CHECKMATE!

    And on that note…

    Dunt dun duuh DAAAAHHHH!

    !!!!!!!!!MY ATHEIST STORE!!!!!!!!!

    Aristotle’s Muse

    This is my store. Maybe wearing an atheist T-shirt won’t change the world, but enough of them just might.

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