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ADELPHIA COLLECTIONS: VOL. 1

May

31

by

ADELPHIA COLLECTIONS: VOL. 1

It must be tough to have a job answering phones at the Adelphia corporate office in Coudersport, PA these days. Creditors from Kansas to Kuala Lumpur must be lining up to give the company a piece of their tele-minds… Curious to see what the mood is like in the town often mentioned as the inspiration for “It’s a Wonderful Life,” we decided to give a call to the Coudersport customer service line (814) 260-6848 with a complaint of our own:

Adelphia:   (matronly old woman’s voice) Adelphia. How may I help you?

BEAST:   Yes, I was wondering if you can help me. My name is Ron Goldstein. I work for Citibank. And I’m really sort of at my wits’ end. I have a problem. I played golf a couple of weeks ago with Tim Rigas at Shinnecock, in Long Island. And he borrowed a set of clubs from me, and hasn’t returned them. And all of his numbers have changed in the last few weeks. I really don’t know what to do. They won’t answer my calls at the corporate office.

Adelphia:   Well, no one’s here today except us pukes. There’s a few of us. [Eds. note: The call was made on Memorial Day.]

BEAST:   Is there any way to get a message to him? Is he still at the company?

Adelphia:   Uh…

BEAST:   They were really nice clubs. Calloway, Big Berthas. Like 900 bucks.

Adelphia:   Huh. Okay. Can I have your name, please?

BEAST:   That’s Ron Goldstein. G-O-L-D-S-T-E-I-N.

Adelphia:   Okay. And can I have a phone number to reach you?

BEAST:   Sure. It’s (gives random phone number with 212 area code.)

Adelphia:   And this is for Tim?

BEAST:   Yeah. Tim Rigas… He may not even remember the incident. But he came to the course without his clubs, and I lent mine to him. Next thing I know he’s walking out to the parking lot with them, and throwing them into his Range Rover!

Adelphia:   Gosh.

BEAST:   You know, so I chased him out into the parking lot, but he didn’t hear me as he drove off…. I mean, with the bag, it’s almost a thousand dollars.

Adelphia:   (obviously taking notes) Mmm… Okay. And he borrowed these where?

BEAST:   At Shinnecock, Long Island. You know, where they played the Open a few years ago?

Adelphia:   Shit–?

BEAST:   SHINN-e-cock.

Adelphia:   (laughing) Shin!

BEAST:   (laughing) No, not shittecock!

Adelphia:   (still laughing) That’s why I had you repeat it! Would you like to, uh, spell that for me?

BEAST:   Sure. S-H-I-N-N-E-C-O-C-K.

Adelphia:   And that’s New York, right?

BEAST:   Right. Well, Long Island. Don’t forget to write down the black-and-white checkered Ping Golf bag, too.

Adelphia:   Okay.

BEAST:   And Calloway Big Berthas. I’m sure he’s got a lot of sets, but, you know.

Adelphia:   What I’ll do is I’ll take this, and I’ll take it up to one of the secretaries upstairs, and pass along the message. See if we can get your clubs back for you. Get him to give you a call.

BEAST:   Great. Thanks very much.

Adelphia:   No problem!

BEAST:   Goodbye.

Adelphia:   Goodbye.

Hmm… Sounds like these kinds of calls come in all the time. Tune in next issue for the next installment of Adelphia Collections!

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