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All-Haiku Major League Baseball Preview!

Mar

30

by

For that huge cross-section of baseball fans who like ancient Japanese poetry

Let’s face it, baseball is dull. To watch and to talk about. The only reason it’s so popular to begin with is because from June to September, it’s the only option. Then, football comes back, and we leave baseball behind, along with any harebrained idea that it’s still our “national pastime.” So, let’s spice things up a bit! Predicting baseball is sort of boring because it takes a while for a shitty team to become not shitty. As a result, we find ourselves with a lot of standings that look identical to the year before. How do we make that fun? With haiku! Of course. That’s right, it’s the 2012 All-Haiku MLB preview!

Here Nolan Ryan | uses a Japanese brush | to write this haiku

 

AL East
1. New York Yankees
Same shit, different year
Yeah, you know the drill by now
At least Jeter’s old

2. Tampa Bay Rays
Win without payroll?
That scares Yankees fans shitless
They can hang this year

3. Boston Red Sox
Loaded offense, sure
But lack of chemistry hurts
Plus, their fans are dicks

4. Toronto Blue Jays
In purgatory
For the last twenty damn years
Some good prospects, though

5. Baltimore Orioles
Another shit team
Fuck it, bring back Cal Ripken!
And Jim Palmer, too!

AL Central
1. Detroit Tigers
Fielder! Cabrera!
Great offense, wretched defense
Meh, they’ll still be good

2. Kansas City Royals
Two decades of crap
At last some decent players
Could be wild card team

3. Cleveland Indians
Their first baseman is
Named Carlos Santana? Weird.
“Smooth” was overplayed

4. Minnesota Twins
Mauer and Morneau
Can’t suck for two straight years, right?
I mean come on now…

5. Chicago White Sox
Will Adam Dunn suck
As much as he did last year?
That would just be sad

AL West
1. Texas Rangers
Hamilton’s relapse
Can’t affect a team this good
Third pennant? Perhaps

2. Los Angeles Angels
OMG Pujols!
Fun now, we’ll see in 10 years
He’s on the decline….

3. Oakland A’s
Moneyball was fun
But this team is a few years
From having a chance

4. Seattle Mariners
Ichiro? He’s cool.
But young dudes are still too young
Check back in three years

NL East
1. Philadelphia Phillies
Halladay and Lee
Best pitching combo around
No stopping these guys

2. Atlanta Braves
Last year sucked, for sure
Plenty of great talent, though
Chipper goes out strong

3. Miami Marlins
Reyes will be great
If he can stay healthy, but
Not enough depth here

4. Washington Nationals
Strasburg and Harper
Are the future, but for now
80 wins at best

5. New York Mets
Damn, this team is screwed
Even worse than in most years
Saddest team in league

NL Central
1. St. Louis Cardinals
Repeat as the champs?
Doubtful without Pujols, but
Still a playoff team

2. Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder is gone
Braun lucks out with botched piss cup
Playoffs? Eh, we’ll see

3. Cincinnati Reds
Plenty of power
But dubious pitching staff
Raises some questions

4. Pittsburgh Pirates
20 years of suck
Give these fans a fucking break!
Maybe in two years….

5. Chicago Cubs
More losing to come
Maybe sadder than the Mets?
Eh, call it a draw.

6. Houston Astros
Worst team in majors
And it’s not remotely close
How ’bout them Rockets?

NL West
1. Arizona Diamondbacks
Montero, Upton
Lead a strong offensive charge
Solid pitching, too

2. San Francisco Giants
Don’t expect playoffs
Till they get guys who can hit
Killer pitchers, though

3. Los Angeles Dodgers
Kemp and Kershaw rule
Rest of the team? Not so much
.500 at best

4. Colorado Rockies
Troy Tulowitzki!
Hey, that’s five syllables there
Umm…I bet they suck

5. San Diego Padres
Lots of good young dudes
Too young to be good right now
Check back in three years

Wild Cards:
AL: Tampa Bay, Boston
NL: Atlanta, Milwaukee

World Series Haiku!
Rematch of 09
Yanks and Phils have all-out brawl
Yanks take it in 6

_____________________________

  • Nino M. D’Agosta

    Carlos Santana of the Cleveland Indians is a catcher not a first baseman btw!

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ John Hugar

    He plays both from time to time, 95 at catcher, and 66 at first base. I went with first baseman because it fit the haiku structure better.

  • A.C. Sativa

    Fuck twitter. Not at all relevant, but still needs to be said.

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