"Totally coup, yo."

An Open Letter to America's Teabaggers & Toothless Militiamen

Nov

30

by

Dear Teabaggers & Toothless Militiamen,

I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye — you with your respectively backward, anti-scientific, overtly religious, and paranoid libertarian New World Order/Montana-wood-ethos siege mentality, and me with my devastatingly liberal good looks, impeccable wit, and cool capacity to reason, but we need to talk.

It turns out you guys were right…about some things. The FEDS ARE COMING! OUR LIBERTIES ARE AT RISK! Like with “Obamacare,” but for realz this time!

There are two major pieces of legislation currently being debated in Congress right now that threaten to quite literally end America. THIS IS REALITY. YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE I’M TYPING WITH CAPS LOCK!

The first is Senate bill S.1867. It legally defines the Homeland as part of a global battlefield against terrorists. All U.S. citizens, if the bill passes, would be subject to indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay if the powers-that-be deem you a threat. That’s fucking terrifying. Especially for us, the people who — with varying degrees of accuracy — see some of the nefarious forces guiding the nation as a very real enemy.

The second is something called PIPA–the Protect IP Act (with SOPA–the Stop Online Piracy Act being the House counterpart). Sounds reasonable, right? Well, it’s not. It would allow the government to order internet providers to block any Web site, for merely being accused of containing copyright infringing materials — without a court order, like they do in China and Iran. This is only slightly less terrifying than S.1867.

You should be scared. Scared enough to call your representatives in Washington and demand that these bills die, so our liberty shall not.

So, Tea Partiers and Toothless Militiamen unite with me against this tyranny! I’ll hate you all with a passion again soon — hopefully. But until this fascist bullshit is put down like a syphilitic rat, we are allies against this BIG GOVERNMENT madness.

In Solidarity,
Murphy

P.S. This is probably somehow totally maybe BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA’S Kenyan/Socialist fault!

________________________

  • Beast_Fan

    Thanks to Congress I’ve sided with Rand Paul on something. The time for contemplating suicide is now.

  • RobThomas

    The tea party was never threatened by government in and of itself, just aspects of government that help black people.

  • Charlie

    Um, I just read through the bulk of S.1867 and it specifically provides that no US citizen can be detained at Guantanimo and furthermore no resident alien of the US may be so detained either. This can be found in Section 1032(b) of the bill. So please let us know exactly where you’re getting this from before you unnecessarily turn more paranoids into committed Ron Paul fanatics.

  • admin

    Mr. Charlie Rattner,
    We give our readers a lot of credit…maybe we shouldn’t.

    Read the SOURCE MATERIAL we linked to.

    http://www.progressive.org/mccain_says_american_citizens_can_be_sent_to_guantanamo.html

    “The confusion stems from Section 1032, which deals with the military detention of the people the Armed Forces captures “in the course of hostilities.” Part of Section 1032 states: “The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to citizens of the United States.”

    Christopher Anders, senior legislative counsel of the ACLU, explains the problem.

    “The exclusion on Section 1032 only applies to 1032. It doesn’t apply to 1031,” he says. “And that only makes it worse, because any judge is going to say, ‘Of course, members of Congress meant for American citizens to be detained because if they didn’t, they would have put in the exception they put in one section later.’ ”

  • Charlie

    Now now, no reason to get testy with a loyal follower. I DID go to the source material…the text of the legislation itself. I am an attorney and with all due deference to Sen. “The-Fundamentals-of-Our-Economy-Are-Strong” McCain and the heretofore unknown Atty. Anders, there is no limitation to the applicability of Sec. 1032 as they suggest. Yes, Sec. 1031 gives the President the authority to use the military to detain Al-Qaeda operatives yada yada. However, Sec. 1032(a)(1) specifically imports the provisions of Sec. 1031 (in contravention of the assertions by the gentlemen above that they are distinct and separate) and Sec. 1032(b) says point blank that the military can’t detain US citizens or even non-US citizens living in the US. So maybe we should believe that Mr. Obama himself will go around making all these arrests and detentions personally without any military assistance (not even the use of Air Force One, bummer)…but I tend to doubt it and certainly don’t tremble in fear of the prospect.

  • matt

    I think some people are missing the point. They should not be able to detain anyone indefinitely without proof of some kind of crime, or at least going through due process.

  • robert van bakel

    Can they detain me in my country, then fly me to your country and detain me further?…………….Oh, yeah,mmmh, sorry.

  • admin

    Dear Barrister Rattner,

    If you’re a loyal follower, you should know we get testy with everyone. Nothing personal. You should also know that being a lawyer extends you no extra credibility. I seem to remember you chaps legalizing torture a while back. That said, I’ll stick to the nut of the argument.

    You say that SEC. 1032 (b) “specifically provides that no US citizen can be detained at Guantanimo and furthermore no resident alien of the US may be so detained either.”

    This I don’t dispute, as I’ve also read the pertinent portions of the bill. For those reading along, here it is:

    SEC. 1032 (b) (1)
    UNITED STATES CITIZENS- The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to citizens of the United States.

    Then you say, “”Yes, Sec. 1031 gives the President the authority to use the military to detain Al-Qaeda operatives yada yada. However, Sec. 1032(a)(1) specifically imports the provisions of Sec. 1031″

    I also do not dispute that SEC. 1032 (a) (1) specifically imports provisions of SEC. 1031.

    SEC. 1032 (a) (1)
    IN GENERAL.—Except as provided in paragraph (4), the Armed Forces of the United States shall hold a person described in paragraph (2) who is captured in the course of hostilities authorized by the Authorization for Use of Military Force (Public Law 107–40) in military custody pending disposition under the law of war.

    SEC. 1032 (a) (2)
    2) COVERED PERSONS.—The requirement in paragraph (1) shall apply to any person whose detention is authorized under section 1031 who is determined…

    However, you’re completely ignoring the “Except as provided in paragraph (4)“:

    SEC. 1032 (a)(4)
    WAIVER FOR NATIONAL SECURITY.—The Secretary of Defense may, in consultation with the Secretary of State and the Director of National Intelligence, waive the requirement of paragraph (1) if the Secretary submits to Congress a certification in writing that such a waiver is in the national security interests of the United States.

    So you’re right — except when waiving the provision that US citizens may not be detained “is in the national security interests of the United States.”

    Honestly, I want to be guilty of “paranoia” as The Kinks put it. Nothing would make me happier than to issue a correction, and plead guilty to some sort of motivated reasoning. But that paragraph (4) exception appears to supercedes the imported 1031 provisions.

    Please, please, fucking please, tell me I’m wrong.

    Very Sincerely,
    Ian Murphy

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