Dear Teabaggers & Toothless Militiamen,
I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye — you with your respectively backward, anti-scientific, overtly religious, and paranoid libertarian New World Order/Montana-wood-ethos siege mentality, and me with my devastatingly liberal good looks, impeccable wit, and cool capacity to reason, but we need to talk.
It turns out you guys were right…about some things. The FEDS ARE COMING! OUR LIBERTIES ARE AT RISK! Like with “Obamacare,” but for realz this time!
There are two major pieces of legislation currently being debated in Congress right now that threaten to quite literally end America. THIS IS REALITY. YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE I’M TYPING WITH CAPS LOCK!
The first is Senate bill S.1867. It legally defines the Homeland as part of a global battlefield against terrorists. All U.S. citizens, if the bill passes, would be subject to indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay if the powers-that-be deem you a threat. That’s fucking terrifying. Especially for us, the people who — with varying degrees of accuracy — see some of the nefarious forces guiding the nation as a very real enemy.
The second is something called PIPA–the Protect IP Act (with SOPA–the Stop Online Piracy Act being the House counterpart). Sounds reasonable, right? Well, it’s not. It would allow the government to order internet providers to block any Web site, for merely being accused of containing copyright infringing materials — without a court order, like they do in China and Iran. This is only slightly less terrifying than S.1867.
You should be scared. Scared enough to call your representatives in Washington and demand that these bills die, so our liberty shall not.
So, Tea Partiers and Toothless Militiamen unite with me against this tyranny! I’ll hate you all with a passion again soon — hopefully. But until this fascist bullshit is put down like a syphilitic rat, we are allies against this BIG GOVERNMENT madness.
P.S. This is probably somehow totally maybe BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA’S Kenyan/Socialist fault!