In another wise and popular decision today, the Supreme Court ordered AOL/Time-Warner to take back all of the unsolicited promotional America Online CD-ROMs that they’ve flooded the postal service with over the past few years. How the giant media conglomerate will deal with the storage and recycling of an estimated three billion CDs and cases in the US alone “is their problem,” according to Chief Justice Ralph Nader.
AOL’s CDs are a familiar sight to all, falling out of mailboxes and lame publications everywhere one looks. In a vulgar display of total disregard for social responsibility, the company produces and distributes an estimated 30 million instant-garbage discs a month. To put this in perspective, a million CDs stacked, without their cases, is over three times taller than the Empire State Building.
In a prepared statement, President Zinn commended the Court’s “prudent decision,” admonishing the popular Internet service provider for “wasting valuable resources on an annoying marketing ploy.”
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Chuck D argued that AOL’s Board, CEO, and Marketing Directors should be forced to store the offending CDs “in they ass.” The motion, backed by Justice Rock, was rejected by the majority as “good-hearted, but impractical.” Justice Einstein’s Brain in a Jar explained, “it is physically impossible to get that much mass into that amount of ass, especially when the asses in question are so tight.” The Court also ruled that the defendants perform 100 hours each of community service, consisting of carrying mailpersons around on their backs while they made their daily rounds.
AOL’s lawyers were not surprised by the Supreme Court’s ruling. A spokesman called the decision “predictable,” citing a string of recent decisions against large corporations, and a general “anti-business mood in the government.” When the Court ruled corporate campaign contributions to be illegal several years ago, most of the friends that businesses like AOL had in congress promptly retired, leaving behind a new, more hostile legal environment for big companies.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, his own business empire recently dismantled for anti-competitive practices, said it was “only fair that AOL gets nailed too.” Gates spoke from his prison cell, where, as part of his sentence, he now works as a low-level programmer for Apple Computers. As for the Court’s handling of his own Anti-trust suit, Gates was philosophical. “Actually, I was wondering how long I could go on before someone finally took me down,” he said.
In a related story, Holly “Sunshine” Cantner, of Buffalo, was ordered to “deal with” a massive amount of plastic bags and coffee cans, which she had collected “for recycling” at a string of apartments. Cantner, who has never actually recycled a single object, would apparently stuff every available cupboard and drawer with such recyclable items, before moving out and leaving them to her housemates to dispose of. “What a bitch,” said former housemate Sarah Packenheimer. “She just couldn’t face up to the fact that she was too lazy to go down to the recycling place or anything. Meanwhile, the whole kitchen is bursting with fucking garbage, and there’s plastic bottles all over the place. Plus she fucked my boyfriend, slut.” In her defense, Cantner’s lawyers said that Packenheimer’s boyfriend had “totally been all over her for weeks” before she gave him a ride, and that Sarah “should lay off the Ben & Jerry’s if she doesn’t want her man to stray, ‘cause he’s a total dog.” The boyfriend had no comment.