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Paley's Watchmaker

June 17th, 2011 by

In crossing a heath, suppose I pitched my foot against a stone, and were asked how the stone came to be there; I might possibly answer, that, for anything I knew to the contrary, it had lain there forever: nor would it perhaps be very easy to show the absurdity of this answer. But suppose I had found a watch upon the ground, and it should be inquired how the watch happened to be in that place; I should hardly think of the answer I had before given, that for anything I knew, the watch might have always been there. (…) There must have existed, at some time, and at some place or other, an artificer or artificers, who formed [the watch] for the purpose which we find it actually to answer; who comprehended its construction, and designed its use. (…) Every indication of contrivance, every manifestation of design, which existed in the watch, exists in the works of nature; with the difference, on the side of nature, of being greater or more, and that in a degree which exceeds all computation.
–William Paley, Natural Theology (1802)

That’s how this teleological argument for the existence of God was most famously articulated. It’s also known as the argument from design. Like Pascal’s Wager, it’s one of those bits of theology that’s often repeated ad nauseum by laypersons, and usually ones who’ve never read the original citation above. And also like Pascal’s Wager, there are so many problems with it that it’s difficult to know where exactly to begin. Read More


Jews News!

June 15th, 2011 by

Glennifer Beck is going to have one of his right-wing parties in Jerusalem soon to find out how many ways people can mis-spell angry slogans in Hebrew. So fans of his who happen to be Jewish are now trying out some subtle viral marketing techniques to help raise awareness of just how dumb and fanatical people can get to defend even one of the non-mainstream hipster religions. Anyway, here are some true facts I found from Stormfront dot org. Read More


Rick Perry and Bryan Fischer will pray five times facing Mecca on August 6, Insha'Allah

June 14th, 2011 by

You’ve probably heard that Texas Governor/Imam Rick Perry has called for a day of prayer n’ fasting in order to call on his favorite deity, Jehovah 1, to reverse the disastrous course of President pro Tempore Barackhmed Husaini al-Nobamacare IV, Esq. He has also invited all foreign, non-Texan Governors to hang out with him for the day and talk about how awesome the sea Goddess Sedna is and maybe have a barbecue because the odors are pleasing to the Lord. But unfortunately only Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has RSVP’d so far.

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Jesus was a reactionary douchebag

June 13th, 2011 by

Some really obnoxious and mindless cliches have been popping up from commenters in a previous article about how Jesus was really a swell guy who had such nice teachings, and if only his followers hadn’t distorted his message we’d all be living in some hippy’s fever dream conception of a socialist commune with free tofu for all and an open bar by the pool between three and five by now.

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Bring me the head of Ryan LeVin, please.

June 8th, 2011 by

Meet Ryan LeVin:

LeVin is the 36 year old millionaire jewelry heir who this past weekend got away with murder.

That’s not to say that he was found not guilty in court. He was found guilty of killing two people (they were British businessmen, but let’s not split hairs) and was sentenced to two years of unmonitored house arrest at his parents’ oceanside condo and ten years probation.

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Celebrate Your Body & Mind (By Poisoning Them)

June 3rd, 2011 by

Ask a Dope Fiend: Terrible Advice for Your Average Drug Abuser
By Acula D. Fiend, MD

I recently had my wisdom teeth pulled and the doctor gave me Vicodin. It’s been three days and I feel fine. I want to sell a few off to make some rent money, but I’m not sure how much to charge. I think they are 7.5mg.
Toothless on Tupper

Rx: Well, Toothless, give it a few days. Now that you’re King of the Fucking Post-Wisdom-Teeth Universe, you probably feel pretty invincible, don’t you? You’re fucking high right now, huh? But watch: two days from now, you’re going to throw caution to the wind and be munching on some Doritos and get a corner of a chip jammed up in your socket. The sutures’ll tear away from your gums. There’ll be blood and a bunch of pain. You’re not going to feel so fine then, are you?

Vicodin is a trademarked name for hydrocodone – a synthetic opiate similar to codeine. It’s also handed out as Alexsia, Liquicet, or Lortab, to name a few. In lamenting the recent surge in popularity of illicit opiates, cops and parents and teachers and various other pig bastards are quick to cite the adage, “Weed is a Gateway Drug.” But when people say that “Weed is a Gateway Drug,” they forget that there’s a shitload of painkillers on the black market, and Poppy makes its own introductions. Your typical Weedhead-turned-Junky first fucked around with opiates when they got their wisdom teeth pulled in high school while they were (incidentally) fucking around with pot. Their one sketchy friend taught them how to crush it up and blow. They were retarded to do this, because all the acetaminophen and filler makes the euphoria intermittent between migraines and pukiness. But once a middle class user blows Vic, then they get to college and it’s 4 in the morning and they have a paper due at 9 and suddenly a rail of Adderall doesn’t seem so bad. Or they were stressing over Finals and they wrapped their head around a ground-up, peeled-down Xanie bar. And then they got into coke in their early 20s ‘cause they hadn’t seen their old dorm mate since graduation and it was 2 in the morning on Sunday night and they hadn’t listened to Sean Paul in 3 years and they had an interview coming up on Monday at 8. And then who knows what after that. They’re King of the Fucking Post-Wisdom-Teeth Universe, right?

But right now you’ll feel fine up until you idiotically rip apart your sutures. Set a couple aside for emergencies like this, hand a few to the friends who’d do the same for you, then take the extraneous pills and try to sell them at $5 apiece. Good Ol’ 7.5mg Vicodin 500mg? Cut quantity deals at $4 per pill. And if you have a refill, try to unload it wholesale at 3 for $10. It’ll be worth it to save yourself the hassle of having to present a script to a cop as you go apartment to apartment, giving out smiles.

What is better? Tylenol or the generic?
Legit Inquisitor

Rx: Really? Tylenol? Obviously, the generic is better, because either way it’s a money hole to nowhere. It’s time for you to slug a bottle of Nyquil and lose your job tomorrow, Inquisitor. Then slam your face with a heavy door and hope your Primary Care Physician is a push-over with an Rx pad. Get yourself some codeine and eat it ‘til you get sick. Push your push-over physician around for more until he refers you to a Pain Management Specialist, and then push that motherfucker around, too. I don’t want you to ever feel like Tylenol does anything for you ever again. Really? Tylenol? Have you ever heard of “Drugs”?

My dealer is always late and unapologetic. I’ve been made to wait for a half an hour in a snowstorm because he repeatedly said he was “around the corner.” Do drug dealers with a “Customer’s Always Right” business model exist?
Dilly-dallying with Dope-peddlers

Rx: Junk Superstars William Burroughs and Lou Reed both put up a semi-acquiescent fuss about “The Wait” a half a century ago. For the not-too-uncommon dealer without a “Friend in Need” mentality about their living room, a sketchy parking lot transaction can seem like a loss leader for business: too much risk with everything going on. The trick is to have someone sketchily sitting in their car (or waiting on-foot) with a wad of cash and, who knows, whatever else they got. Then you just roll in and make the switch and bail. If someone sees it go down, the other person is the last one to leave, the last one in a traffic queue, and the first one to bend for a flashing light or a police baton.

The dealer-customer relationship is a strange and tenuous one to be sure. Casually mention the cold you had to endure, but most of all, keep an Open Ear in mind. Maybe his Girl was just giving him grief for having to ditch to make the deal, you know? Or something like that. Over time, the dealer’ll learn that you’re always there, and that your money’s always good. And you both have mutual needs. Deal with “The Wait” until you’re on top. Figure the courtesy bump or blunt into the capital cost of materials. Basically, become the dealer’s best friend and you’ll even be the first in line for expedited triage and price breaks. Imagine!

For advice on how to best celebrate your body and mind (by poisoning them), send questions to draculadopefiend@gmail.com


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BEASTcast 10: Bunting/Murphy

May 30th, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 10: Bunting/Murphy (mp3)

In this Very Special BEASTcast, I talk to BEAST editor-in-chief Ian Murphy about his recent run for Congress to represent the 26th District of New York. We all know that it is illegal to make fun of thin-skinned local television personalities, but is it still illegal when an editor of a satirical website does it? Did Murphy break into his opponent’s phone bank in order to obtain incriminating evidence? And what’s up with escalating the war in Indochina to Cambodia and Laos? These questions and many more will be answered.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.


BEASTcast 9: Seth Shostak

May 26th, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 9: Seth Shostak (mp3)

Here is an interview with Seth Shostak. He is the Senior Astronomer at the Search for Extraterrestial Life (SETI) Institute and the author of such books as Sharing the Universe: Perspectives on Extraterrestrial Life and Confessions of an Alien Hunter: A Scientist’s Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. We talk about SETI, its recent budget difficulties, and whether or not aliens are going to destroy us all in an act of mercy.

Here is Dr. Shostak’s radio show, Are We Alone?

Here is SETI@Home.

Here is the graphic we discussed.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.

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BEASTcast 8: PZ Myers

May 23rd, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 8: PZ Myers (mp3)

Here is an interview with PZ Myers. He is a professor of biology at the University at Minnesota Morris and has a very popular blog called Pharyngula. He’s an outspoken advocate for science and atheism and a critic of religion and pseudoscience. He is also the owner of a fantastic beard. We talk about deformed Stalinist Nazi squid in outer space, diapers, religion, fig trees and why Jesus hates them, PZ’s upcoming book, condoms, and stuff like that.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.


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