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Ask Warren Jeffs

August 2nd, 2011 by

Warren Jeffs, alleged child-fucker and leader/prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints takes time off from his trial to roll out his new advice column here at The BEAST. Read More


Kurt Vonnegut vs. the Bible

July 29th, 2011 by

“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
-Psalms 137:9

The high school board of education for the city of Republic, Missouri last week voted unanimously (4-0) to ban Kurt Vonnegut’s classic antiwar novel Slaughterhouse-Five from the school’s library. The board was responding to public complaints by one Wesley Scroggins, who was outraged that the city would use his tax dollars to store books which teach “principles contrary to the Bible” for children to read. Read More


That's A Spicy Miscarriage-a of a-Justice!

July 27th, 2011 by

A BEAST Reader Opinion

By Mario

Mario, seen here shaking his fist at the

injustice in the case of Amanda Knox

Bonjourno! I’m a-Mario and I’m an Italian-Americano and I do-a the plumbing! But today I’m-a here to tell you about how I’m ashamed of my-a country’s criminal justice system, specifically in the small town of a-Perugia. Perhaps we discuss it over a nice-a pizza pie! Mario knows just the right-a place! Read More


She Can Win

July 18th, 2011 by

10 Things That Will Definitely Happen When Sarah Palin Becomes President

By Nick Sorrenti

10.) During her inauguration, Sarah Palin will peel away her skin revealing a metal skeleton and wires.  After she has proven herself physically invincible, the entire continent will bend to her will.  For seven hundred years she will rule from an impregnable fortress deep within the crust of the earth, during which time her android denizens will hunt us all to near extinction. Read More


Point / Counterpoint: The Law

July 11th, 2011 by

I Am The Law

by Judge Dredd

After the collapse of the environment and humanity’s sociopolitical structure, lawlessness ran rampant in the few remaining Mega Cities where most human survivors lived. But then a new system of criminal justice emerged. One where elite super-soldiers act as police, jury, and executioners. We call them the Judges. That’s where I come in. I’m a Judge. The name’s Judge Dredd, and I am the law.

I don’t need to hear from some Ivory Tower egg-head about how we need to coddle criminals with fair and impartial trials and presume them innocent. When I see a rotten, good-for-nothing lowlife punk steal an old lady’s purse, I just smash his teeth in with my comically oversized gun from the future. There are no Miranda Rights. No trial. No taxpayer-funded lawyer. Only justice. And that happens to be me. I am the law. Read More


Evolving Towards Marriage Equality

July 4th, 2011 by


Or: How I scored a gay t-shirt.

By Danny Michaels

In the last throes of the debate over New York’s Marriage Equality Act, the votes to pass the bill in the State Senate didn’t reflect the state’s popular attitude towards same-sex marriage. The senator representing Buffalo, Mark Grisanti, who’d been opposed to same-sex marriage during the campaign for his seat, was undecided on whether he would support the measure. So on the Saturday before the vote, I volunteered for the Human Rights Campaign’s (HRC) efforts to ask Buffalonians to fill out postcards expressing their support to Grisanti.

This experience – essentially asking people to sign a petition – seemed nearly pointless at the time. I couldn’t imagine that Senator Grisanti would walk into his office on the day of his vote and look at the pile of postcards from the supporters and the pile from the opponents and say to himself, “Well, looks like that pile is a little bigger so I guess I’ll go with those guys.” Unappreciative of the impact these postcards could potentially have with Senator Grisanti, I took my experience with the HRC as an opportunity to enjoy an afternoon in Buffalo.

When I showed-up, I was asked why I chose to volunteer. Slightly annoyed by this informal litmus test, which I felt was administered because my voice wasn’t as feminine sounding as some of the other guys, I responded, “Ya know, I’m actually not particularly supportive of same-sex marriage, but I really wanted a free t-shirt.” Throughout the day several people, assuming I wasn’t homosexual and wasn’t in favor of same-sex marriage for simply selfish reasons, asked why I supported the idea. I invariably used the joke above as a kickboard with follow-ups depending on my stereotypical view of the audience.

To an older white couple attending Shakespeare in the Park, I followed by saying, “…and the other side didn’t have my size.” To a middle-aged gay professional man in Allentown, I said, “…and the shirts for the side supporting the homosexuals are, unsurprisingly, more fashionable than those opposing.” To a group of uber-liberals sitting around a tree in Bidwell park, I added, “…Unfortunately, all of my ‘God Hates Fags’ shirts shrunk in the dryer.”

After making a variety of the same anti-marriage equality, pro-free t-shirt jokes, I switched the opener in response to a couple of muscular-looking guys playing basketball at Delaware Park. I told them that I wasn’t really interested in the same-sex marriage issue at all but I thought this experience would be a great way to meet some bisexual girls. This was actually closer to my wildest expectations of what I could take away from the experience anyway, but in the end, I just ended-up with the t-shirt. The girls I volunteered with were either too old, prudent, or out of my league to be interested in me. None of the guys were really my cup of tea either, given that I only drink coffee – to which one of the guys offered to buy me whiskey; assuming, I assume, that the liquor would distort my judgment on the matter.

A rough majority of people I talked to throughout the day were supportive of the initiative, which isn’t surprising given that we canvassed the areas of Buffalo with a very high concentration of liberals. However, even in these areas, some individuals shared their concerns with allowing homosexuals to marry. When I asked, “Do you support marriage equality in NY?” some responded with a cold, “No.” Someone said, “No, it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” and one opponent cleverly said, “No, I’m for marriage inequality,” which is like telling a Pro-Life activist that you’re Pro-Death.

One older man confided that he just couldn’t support the initiative because it says in the Bible that homosexuality is an abomination and he doesn’t think the government should be legitimizing it. This sentiment was echoed by Democratic Assemblyman, Dov Hikind. Waving a Torah on the floor of the Assembly during debate he said, “If you think we should redefine marriage, you wanna tell God, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, you got it all wrong,’ do it. But I [...] will [...] not [...] do anything like that…”

These arguments follow a line of logic that is persuasive to the religious at first glance. ‘If I am,’ one may ask, ‘religious, why would I condone something that my religion frowns upon?’ The reason is that there are different considerations that one must apply to political institutions than the standards applied to religious institutions. Groups can’t simply refer to purely religious reasons to justify their positions on any matter. Individuals shouldn’t be arrested if they fantasize about their neighbor’s wife or work on Sunday, even though these activities are outlawed by the Ten Commandments.

As Assemblyman Hikind said later in his speech, “I wish it wasn’t in the book, because if it wasn’t, I’d be standing right next to you over there pushing this, supporting it, because there would be no reason not to.” If it is kosher to use solely religious arguments to oppose or favor legislation, maybe it should be asked of the Assemblyman if he is in favor of outlawing all hot dogs that aren’t Hebrew National, given that they aren’t kosher. However, given that many New Yorkers (including myself) swear by that brand of beef franks, that legislation may actually be popular enough to pass, especially in the wake of all the Independence Day BBQ’s.

Assemblyman Hikind also said, “I gotta tell ya, I came close to maybe changing my point of view when I started looking at all the celebrities that were telling New Yorkers what the moral, what the right thing was… when Lady Gaga got involved and told us this, ya know, we should support gay marriage, I said, ‘ya know, Lady Gaga, ya know, she is my example of how I should lead my life and how I should behave.’” Hopefully for Hikind, The Fame Monster is also a moral monster that doesn’t support any of the basic values that his constituents hold.


I hate to pick on Assemblyman Hikind so much but he makes it easy by opening his mouth. In the same speech quoted above he said, “By the way, talking about civil rights… 46% said yes, 45% no, that’s the minority community. [Sarcastically:] I assume they know nothing about civil rights in the black community.” Being black, I honestly did not know that we were the public arbiters of any civil rights issue. Was this one of the gains of the civil rights movement?

One of those in the black community that apparently knows more about history than me is former NY Giants Wide Receiver, David Tyree. In opposition to the same-sex marriage bill, he said, “How can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all of a sudden, because a minority – an influential minority – has a push or an agenda and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country?” As Abraham Lincoln said in his speech in Cooper Union, to blindly follow the founders of this country in whatever they did “would be to discard all the lights of current experience – to reject all progress – all improvement.” Though if we were to do so in regards to marriage, David Tyree should frown upon the marriages of Derek Jeter’s and Barack Obama’s parents, because even Lincoln said, “…I am not nor ever have been in favor of…having [blacks] marry with white people.”

Luckily, these arguments weren’t as persuasive as they have been in the past. As Mayor Bloomberg said, “…the recognition that the lifelong commitment [homosexuals] have made to each other is not less than anyone else’s and not second-class in any way.” As Governor Cuomo said, “Their love is worth the same as your love. Their partnership is worth the same as your partnership.” It was very refreshing to see Senator Grisanti take up this argument and help the Senate approve same-sex marriage. Saying, “I cannot deny a person, a human being, a taxpayer, a worker, the people of my district and across this state, the State of New York, and those people who make this the great state that it is the same rights that I have with my wife.”

I must acknowledge here that I initially opposed same-sex marriage for a blatantly selfish and homophobic reason. As one of the more unlucky single guys, I didn’t want any more competition for the affection of girls than I already had. Allowing homosexuals to marry, I thought, might add some more legitimacy to homosexual relationships. This could lead more women to engage in relationships with other women, in turn decreasing my odds. Gay guys and straight women are people I don’t particularly understand. This is why I was homophobic, in the same sense that I am heterophobic, because like the xenophobic low-skilled laborer, I didn’t want some foreigner taking a job that I am lucky to have intermittently at best.

A few years ago, I abandoned this position and have come to embrace same-sex marriage. This has been the case for many New Yorkers. The change has been remarkable, considering how low on the radar this issue ranks in regards to other issues facing the polis. The issue of same-sex marriage has never been one of what Senator Stephen Douglas called “the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind.” Yet, on the night the Marriage Equality Act eventually passed, Buffalo gay rights activist Stacy Watson accurately summarized the shift in public sentiment saying, “Both gay and straight people alike have just gotten tired of inequality being acceptable; it’s just not acceptable any longer.”

My experience volunteering for HRC’s postcard campaign originally seemed a few tiles short of futile – a good opportunity to just joke around – but I was surprised to read in The New York Times that this is exactly what persuaded Senator Joseph Addabbo of Queens to support the measure. He was nicknamed ‘The Counter’ by gay rights advocates, because he told Governor Cuomo that his vote would hinge on the amount of individuals that petitioned his office. In early June, those constituents in Queens who petitioned his office in support of the measure totaled roughly 80%. “In the end, that is my vote,” Mr. Addabbo said.

In 2003, Mayor Michael Bloomberg had said, “I think I’ll stay out of the marriage business.” Yet in 2005 he came out of the closet to support gay marriage. Governor Andrew Cuomo hadn’t supported it until 2006. This June marked the first time a clear majority of New Yorkers (between 56-58%) supported it. On the night the same-sex marriage bill was signed into law, Christine Quinn, the first openly gay NYC Council Speaker, gushed, “To have it supported by 60% of the voters, this is a huge step forward.”


“…Okay, Seth, the best place in the city for gay couples to hold their parties this summer, is called, HEY YAAA!!! This bitchin’ sausage, egg, and cheese party was built by Governor Andrew Huomo in the Chinatown section of Little Italy. And this place really answers the question, ‘you really think you can squeeze that up there?’ This place has everything: Frank Sinatra impersonators, Abolitionists, an old woman dressed as the Incredible Hulk, and is that Derek Jeter who just walked in? Nope, it’s a Middle Eastern Swim instructor from the Jewish Community Center named Ahkmed…”



When Danny Michaels lost his job recently, he was under the impression that unemployment would be like an extended version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. However, his life is more like a movie of a guy who watches “Days of Our Lives” and “The View” before taking his afternoon nap in order to be well-rested for an afternoon “Teen Mom” marathon. This schlemiel is frequently spotted around town at the Buffalo City Mission on “Taco Tuesdays”, the bi-weekly Sex Addicts Anonymous Ice Cream Social, and the JCC where he takes advanced Jazzercise classes.


Those homos in the State Senate should pass the Marriage Equality bill already

June 22nd, 2011 by

A BEAST Reader Opinion


by Billy Ray Bull

So here we are on the cusp of a major civil rights victory, right here in New York State. Sure, we’re not the first state to legalize gay marriage, but we’ll be the first with a large population. But instead of getting down to the important work of fighting for marriage equality for all, our State Senate is being all gay about it.

Each moderate Republicans has taken their share of the spotlight by publicly considering whether or not to support marriage equality. And then there are staunch Democrats and Republicans who have already made up their mind. This leaves the Senate as a whole institution straddling the fence. And they probably like that, being gay homos and all.

Hey, New York State Senator Mark Grisanti! If you like being indecisive so much, then why don’t you marry it? Oh, is it because indecisiveness is another dude, and it’s currently illegal for you to marry it? Then that’s your own fault, you fag!

OK guys, here’s the New York State Senate: “Oh Gregory, what ever should we do today?” “Well Robert, let’s start by stalling on the Marriage Equality bill by designating sweet corn as the state vegetable. Then we can get to the buttsecks because we are huge homos and we love the cock!”

Our elected officials should be representing their constituencies. That means all of them, not just the ones who share a common sexual and gender preference. Even serial killers and rapists are allowed to get married while they’re in prison. And they’re not even allowed to vote! It’s wrong and immoral for our elected officials to deny basic human rights to someone just because they love someone of the same sex. It’s also pretty fucking gay of them.

So let’s get moving, people! We’re on the verge of making history here, and if you’re a public figure, you should want to be on the right side of it. Take a break from feeling each other’s schlongs or whatever it is you guys do all day and pass the Marriage Equality bill already.


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