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About: Joe Dixon

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The George Zimmerman Defense

March 28th, 2012 by

On February 26, 2012, George Zimmerman shot and killed a young black man, by the name of Trayvon Martin, who was walking from a convenience store back to his father’s girlfriend’s house. Martin was unarmed. Zimmerman insists that he was acting in self defense. He has not been arrested or charged with a crime as of this writing. The initial police response did not immediately check if George Zimmerman was drunk or on drugs that night. Nor did they take him to the hospital to seek medical aid for him despite his later claims that Martin assaulted him. In this piece from Anderson Cooper, Anderson lays out some of the other missteps by the police. Mr. Zimmerman, who has not publicly spoken, has had his lawyer, friends and family put out his version of what occurred that evening.

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6 People/Groups Obama Didn’t Call

March 7th, 2012 by

As you’re no doubt aware, President Obama (known throughout my studio apartment as the Drone King for his excellent ability to kill people overseas while still maintaining massive support among liberals who use to hate that sort of thing when a Republican did it) picked up the phone to chat with a woman by the name of Sandra Fluke.

Ms. Fluke, a Georgetown University law student, was called a “slut” and “prostitute” by fat fuck-face Rush “Why Has He Not Joined Andrew Breibart Yet?” Limbaugh. Mr. Limbaugh, a right-wing blowhard radio host, who has since offered an “apology,” took to bashing Ms. Fluke because she went on the TeeVee and defended employer-provided insurance that covers birth control.

Yes, readers of the future, birth control is what people fought over in America in the beginning of the 21st Century. If you feel like looking down on we, your ancestors, you have every right. Have at it. We have earned your righteous contempt many times over.

“I just read something that called me the Drone King.

Meanwhile, for those of us still here in the present I thought I’d whip up a nice little list of people and or groups that President Barack Obama DIDN’T call.

Obama didn’t call…

… the people of New Orleans to apologize for the Army Corps of Engineers drowning them.

… workers in Wisconsin to support their battle for collective bargaining.

… his supporters to explain his craven drug policy concerning pot.

… Iran so he could “talk to our enemies.”

… on cops to stop cracking down on Occupy protesters.

… environmentalist to let them know they could go fuck themselves.

Maybe he’ll phone when Limbaugh calls them sluts. Probably not.

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Follow Joe Dixon on Twitter, or check out his Youtube channel if you want to see him get drunk and read the bible.
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5 Signs of The Rise Of The Planet Of The Lucky Duckies

February 6th, 2012 by

The BEAST looks at the brighter side of poverty

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT THINGS about poverty that are never fully covered by the media.  It’s never pointed out, for example, that for all it’s supposed down sides, having no money is actually a good thing. Why, it’s like getting your balls licked and your shoes shined every single day! You female double-amputees know what I’m talking about. I mean, you have no concerns about payments on your second home, or where to vacation, and yet you still get to have a refrigerator and a microwave. How awesome is that? I had no idea a college education would make me such a Lucky Ducky, but here I am. Read More

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The 8 Most Awesome Drone Stories of 2011!

December 30th, 2011 by

It’s a list. We hear you like lists.

Compiling this list is always difficult. There are just so many needy nations, upon which our beneficent empire could deliver death from above, that you can’t help but be disappointed by how relatively few we actually oblige. And, of course, this compendium is both wholly subjective, and admittedly incomplete. Perhaps your favorite assassination didn’t make the cut, or you’ll take umbrage with my ranking system. Or maybe one of our awesome Predators killed your entire family with a Hellfire missile, and you’re being a whiny little bitch about it. What can I say? Everyone’s a critic. Read More

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#OCCUPYWALLSTREET

September 29th, 2011 by

A BEAST Special Report

Fearless BEAST reporter Joe Dixon leaves the safety of Harlem to interview the EVIL SOCIALISTS at #occupywallstreet. Read More

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Breakfast of Champions

September 19th, 2011 by

In the old economy, time was money. In the new economy, time is a lot less money. Our parents’ generation (well, the white ones anyway) earned nearly double what we do, for doing the same jobs. These depressing facts in mind, here are some time-savers that’ll help get you to your non-union job faster, and suck the life out of you more efficiently than ever!
Whether you’re starting a new job, or just had your hours reduced, it is always important to be punctual. One great way to save you time in the mornings is to have breakfast while sitting on the toilet.  The people of Great Neck, Long Island have made a recent tradition of “dining while dumping,” says Great Neck Village Tribal Leader David Albury. “The people of Great Neck, we all have a toilet in the living room,. We go to bathroom while we eat Crispix and listen to Morning Edition. We’ve been like this since two-thousand. It saves lot of  time,” said the former member of the middle class, as he got on the LIRR to head to his part-time security job on Wall Street, protecting the top one percent who actively rape us economically every day.
But you shouldn’t just Dine and Dump for breakfast. Many employees make sure to bring lunch from home and consume it in their companies rest room, like legal secretary Gwendolyn Rosemond. “My job graciously gives me a whole half hour for lunch so rather than waste my time standing in line to get food and then having to eat it quickly so I can get back to work, I just bring food from my house and eat it right in the ladies room,” she said from her favorite stall.
It’s not just bathroom hours that count when you’re saving time. Remember, when you’re working a job with no (or terrible) health benefits, no overtime pay, horrible hours and continuous threat of layoff  – while the business is making record-breaking profits — you want to work really hard to show your dedication to your employers.
One important point not to be forgotten is to avoid doing what you love. Being efficient requires that you to give up on outdated ideas like “dreams” or ‘hope.” If you have not gone home at the end of a work day hating your life, then you’re not really working. “Contemplating Suicide,” said the poet and full time waiter, Joseph Rocha, “is what makes life worth living.” Boredom, anger, and frustration are the key building blocks to productivity. These emotions are especially useful after your job cuts off all internet access. Work just goes faster when you hate every minute of it.
You should also be sure to keep your desk a clutter free zone. The best way to do this is to toss as many files into the trash as humanly possible. These files are just slowing you down and need to be destroyed. If the files are needed more than once you can always throw away the parts least likely to get you fired.  “When I destroy a file, I make sure to set small fires within the file room during fire drills. I figure, it keeps the Fire Marshall on his toes and it extends the time we get to be out of the office,” says an anonymous source, who’s been a temp worker at a Conde Nast publication for six years running.
And finally, you should cut back on socializing. Knowing the names or even the faces of co-workers uses up precious time best spent grinding away at things that will be very important in the future when you find yourself lying in some hospital somewhere waiting to die. Leave any conversation in the toilet where it belongs. If you find yourself trapped by a co-worker who wants to talk about things unrelated to work, like the weather or how you are doing this morning, be sure to report that person to the boss. Any sort of pleasantiries in the work place could lead to people discussing what they dislike about the job, which, if left unchecked could lead to horrible ideas like unionizing.

EATING ON THE TOILET AND OTHER WAYS TO MAXIMIZE PRODUCTIVITY

In the old economy, time was money. In the new economy, time is less money. Our parents’ generation (well, the white ones with penises, anyway) earned nearly double what we do, for doing the same jobs. These depressing facts in mind, here are some time-savers that’ll help get you to your non-union job faster, and suck the life out of you more efficiently than ever! Read More

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