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About: John Hugar

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It's Official: Everything About College Football Sucks

November 9th, 2011 by

Especially the “defensive coordinators fucking children” part

College football is easily the biggest trainwreck in sports. For one thing, it’s a system where rich, white Southern men get rich exploiting mostly black men who get no money for their services. It also has the godawful BCS system, ensuring the championship game will be picked by a computer, and the second a team loses one game, they’re season might as well be over. Also, it takes 4 goddamn hours to play a game because of that fucking stupid rule where the clock stops after a first down. To put it lightly, college football doesn’t have all that much going for it.

But hey, at least there’s never been a coach who went around fucking little kids or anything, right? Oh, wait…. Read More

5 Comments

Did Last Night's South Park Have A Point?

November 3rd, 2011 by

Or was not having a point the point?

South Park isn’t exactly a model of consistency. Whereas Family Guy and The Simpsons can generally be divided into their respective “great”, “mediocre”, and “fucking awful” eras, South Park can land in any of those categories on a weekly basis. For every gem like the “Trapped In The Closet” episode (for which Tom Cruise sued them — just in case “What do South Park and The Beast have in common?” becomes a popular trivia question), we get a turd like “A Million Little Fibers”, where Matt and Trey apparently thought having Oprah’s vagina talk to her asshole would be funny for 22 minutes (if they had stopped at 5, they would’ve been right). Read More

9 Comments

Family Guy Should Go Away

November 1st, 2011 by

We get it Seth, you like rape jokes

When it comes to TV comedies, I’m a pretty cheap date. Sure, I may prefer sophisticated material like classic Simpsons (which for me, is Seasons 2-9), or Community, but I’m more willing to slog my way through the monotonous mediocre muck of Two And A Half Men or Yes, Dear when I just need to go 30 minutes without thinking. As much as I like to pretend I have good taste in TV, I’ve probably kept a lot of shitty shows on the air over the years. Read More

4 Comments

Dear Indianapolis Colts, Just Fucking Stop

October 25th, 2011 by

Seriously, this is getting sad.

In sports, there are routs, there are blowouts, there are beatdowns, there are even a few eviscerations. Then there was all-out curb-stomping that the New Orlenas Saints laid on the Indianapolis Colts this past Sunday. They won by a score of 62-7, while slaughtering the Colts so thoroughly it would’ve made Caligula blush. It was probably the most disturbing event in recent football history that didn’t include the words “Michael Vick,” “rape stand,” “Ben Roethlisberger,” or “hotel maid.” Read More

2 Comments

This World Series Is Gonna Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck

October 18th, 2011 by

X-Factor is getting pre-empted for this shit?!

What’s the only thing less inspiring than an Obama-Romney election? Why, a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series of course! Yes, that’s right; despite what watching ESPN may have led you to believe, there are baseball teams other than the Yankees and the Red Sox. There’s even something called the “National” league – where pitchers hit! What type of Bizarro world shit is that?! Read More

3 Comments

Let The Jesus Freak Play!

October 11th, 2011 by

Tim Tebow: wrong about abortion, right for the NFL

I get why so many people hate Tim Tebow. The laziest explanation would be to simply say that it’s because of his Christianity, but that only tells half the story. After all, a ton of football players are religious, and sometimes they even blame God when they drop the ball. No, the problem is that Tim Tebow is a super-duper-mega Christian who smiles all the damn the time, and can’t go a minute without reminding us just how awesome Jesus is. You get the feeling that if you sat down with the guy, it would take him about 10 seconds for him to ask if you’d been saved. Read More

1 Comment

Hank Williams, Jr. Saves Us From Hank Williams, Jr.

October 4th, 2011 by

All meine rowdy friends are here for the Third Reich

As a football fan, you put up with certain things. For example, I know football is the most popular sport, and therefore the most lucrative for advertisers, so I happily grin and bear the commercial cavalcade that comes flying at my brain every Sunday from 1 to 11:30. Additionally, I happily put up with the week before the Super Bowl when everyone uses the hype as an excuse to blame football for everything from capitalist greed to domestic violence to the sun going away at night. I do this because as a football fan, I truly believe the product being presented to me is worth all the bullshit that comes with it. Read More

2 Comments

Six Plate Appearances From Glory

September 29th, 2011 by

Adam Dunn Sucks So Much He Can’t Even Suck Properly

If you listen to ESPN, or Sports Illustrated or any other sanctimonious den of sports whining, they’ll probably tell you that baseball records don’t matter anymore. They’ll place those records into two categories: the unbreakable (DiMaggio’s hit streak, Cy Young 511 wins), or the ones that were “tainted” by steroids in the ’90s (i.e. everything related to home runs). This year, however, Adam Dunn proved them wrong. Read More

1 Comment

Me Want Basketball

September 26th, 2011 by

Down with worker rights!

The NBA season is supposed to start in five weeks, and I can’t take this shit anymore. The lockout started three months ago, and both sides persist in not getting anything done, and caring more about looking the good guys than whether or not anything actually gets done. It’s becoming very clear to me that neither side really cares if the season starts on time, and as someone who really enjoys watching muscular black men dribble on wood and put balls through holes, that really gets on my nerves. Read More

4 Comments

Never Forget 9/11…Hats

September 19th, 2011 by
We were so damn close. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.
At least that’s how it looked.
Then, Bud Selig had to come along and fuck it up for everyone. If you don’t know, Bud Selig is the second worst commissioner sports, just behind Gary “Let’s Give Boca Raton A Hockey Team” Bettman. In addition to being the least powerful-looking powerful man in America (seriously, look at the guy – he’s your sad creepy uncle who doesn’t have enough self-confidence to molest you), Selig is the guy who looked the other way when every player in the league was turning into a mutant steroid monster (not that I’m judging – if you want shrink your balls so you can hit more home runs, more power to you), then suddenly started caring after every crybaby sports journalist started complaining about records being tainted.
This time, however, Selig is in the news because of hats. No seriously, hats! Specifically, the FDNY hats that the Mets wanted to wear during their 9/11 game. Apparently, Selig was trying to capitalize on sentimentality with his own special commemorative super-patriotic, America-fuck-yeah hat for the occasion (which costs 37 fucking dollars, by the way), and the Mets were totally screwing over his deal. First he banned the hats, then when somebody wore one in the dugout, he had his hired goons actually come and take them. Sheesh – dude is a Karl Rove level control freak. Especially since they’re just fucking hats!
Now, was this the wrong thing to do? Of course! The most important lesson of Good PR is Never Fuck Up Anything 9/11-related. If there’s one thing we Americans love, it’s sentimentality. If you tell a team they can’t wear their *sniff* hats to *sniff* commemorate the *sniff, wipe away tear* heroes who *blow mucus into tissue* fought and *starts completely bawling* died that day, you’re going to look like a moron.
More importantly, you’re going to give material to a ton of self-aggrandizing journalists who want to let everyone now just horrified, shocked, mortified, disgusted, whatever “I’m morally superior to this asshole”-type word you want to use, they are. Rather than just take this story for the goofy mini-freak show it is, everyone is making into the greatest injustice in the history of the world.
Take ESPN’s Matt Rubin who, evidently thinks the Mets should have said “hat chance” to the when the hats were taken away. Seriously, that’s what it says. Now, I’m writing this piece for free. If that guy gets a six-figure salary, I’ll fucking shoot myself. More importantly, he paints the Mets locker room as some type of war room. The decision of whether or not to wear the hat is treated like they were thinking about deciding if they should drop the A-bomb. Mets player rep Josh Thole is treated like he’s making Sophie’s Choice. The whole thing is ridiculous beyond belief and shows no perspective whatsoever.
Rubin also argues that the Mets should’ve just worn the hats anyway even after Selig threatened them. Why? Why should players lose money just to make a symbolic gesture than won’t bring anyone back to life? I’m not even saying it isn’t a nice gesture. Shit, if I was a firefighter I might think it was cool. But why give up thousands of dollars so just to wear a different itchy thing on your head for three hours?
This story is the all-too-common example of someone doing something stupid, and the other side looking even more stupid by how much they over-react to it. At the end of the day, a hat is nothing more than a hat. Selig was a being a control freak, and a dick, but the controversy as a whole was nothing to write home about. Frankly, it would be nice if we just did away with hats entirely. After, Men Without hats certainly believed that philosophy, and “Safety Dance” is more entertaining than the Mets have been all year.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig Launches Jihad Against America, Apple Pie, Your Mom

WE WERE SO DAMN CLOSE. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.

At least that’s how it looked. Read More

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