The Libertarian Cher to Teller’s Bono should STFU
Penn Jillette, the loud, annoying, ponytailed half of the magic act Penn & Teller, is a true American Hero. He’s both incredibly ignorant and damn proud of it. Read More
THINGS ARE WEIRD. I was arrested for filming a cop. They confiscated the camera, erased the footage, and charged me with disorderly conduct, disruption of a religious service and some other bullshit. The complainant listed on the officially police report is “Sony”. Its race is unknown. And it lives at police headquarters, according to the report. Read More
I had questions going into Monday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference? Read More
Name: Super Congress, AKA Super Committee.
Turn-ons: Super PACs, Super fund-raising, super-marginalizing non-super congress.
Turn-offs: Constitutional government, Medicare, Howard Fineman.
How we got to be the BEAST Page 3 Super Congress: The debt ceiling proved too heavy for a non-super congress to lift, so they called us into existence, thwarting the twin plagues of representative democracy and electoral accountability.
Future plans: Hammering out completely awful legislation that will ensure the ruination of America, which the mere mortal congress can’t amend, and must pass, lest even worse legislation be “triggered” by their petulance in the face of our supreme superness. Also, probably a lot of cackling and lighting of cigars with hundred-dollar bills.
ROCHESTER, NY–The secular advocacy group North American Atheists has filed suit against a telephone pole on the grounds that it “violates the separation of church and state.” NAA President David Goldman says, “It looks a Christian cross and it’s on government property. Case closed.”
When asked why the atheist group decided to sue the pole itself rather than the telephone company or the state, he replied, “Grrrr! It will pay!” Read More
Contrary to popular opinion, the debt-ceiling does not limit the amount the US government can borrow, it’s actually an arbitrarily set repayment cap on debts already incurred. Let that sink in for a second.
Nowhere but in our inept government would such a thing exist. In fact, it’s such a stupid idea that only one other country in the world has a debt-ceiling (Denmark) and they keep it artificially high, so they’ll never have to face the manufactured crisis we’ve just experienced, nor would their most malfeasant legislators ever have the opportunity to hijack Denmark’s economy. Read More
[UPDATE: My estimate below of 48-hours to recover the lost footage was wildly optimistic. The program's been running since 7/29, and it's processed 953 files out of 1049 total as of 8/2. Sorry for jumping the gun.-IM]
AS I TYPE THESE WORDS, The BEAST’s pro-bono by contract scientists, previously employed by the Army Security Agency (ASA) and the Intelligence and Security Command (INSCOM), are utilizing advanced forensic data techniques to recover our camera footage which was so ineptly and illegally erased by the Buffalo Police Department. Read More
[UPDATE: We're allowed to post BEAST links on Facebook again because you, dear readers, complained so very much. Thank you!]
You can share some pretty great things on Facebook–family photos, your moods and activities, your affinity for eating shit in a sexual context, and your Holocaust denial. You can even share awesome websites with your closest Aryan brothers just by pasting the url into your status update! We live in a truly open virtual society where all points of view, no matter how dumb or morally repugnant, are freely expressed. Heil Facebook! Read More
“They got me on some straight-up bullshit, son!” exclaimed the kid sitting next to me in the bullpen at the Erie County Holding Center. “What they get you on?”
“I shot a cop,” I growled, shooting him an icy stare. “And I’d do it again.”
“Son?!” His face froze in delighted dismay. “Real? That nigga dead?!”
“I really doubt it.”
“Jablaow!” he mimicked a gunshot, aiming his hand at the mucus-encrusted, blood-smeared brick wall. “What’d you use–a nine, forty-five…” Read More