"Totally coup, yo."

  • Hey! You!

  • You should like, so test out this dynamic sidebar. Check it out in Appearance > Widgets!

About: Murphy


Posts by Murphy:

Murphy's Law III

August 14th, 2011 by

Mysterious “Cheap Throat” leaks sensitive police document to BEAST

THINGS ARE WEIRD. I was arrested for filming a cop. They confiscated the camera, erased the footage, and charged me with disorderly conduct, disruption of a religious service and some other bullshit. The complainant listed on the officially police report is “Sony”. Its race is unknown. And it lives at police headquarters, according to the report. Read More


Murphy's Law 2.5

August 10th, 2011 by
I had many questions going into yesterday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference?
I’ll try not to waste too much of the good reader’s time here because, like all my friends who said they’d come, my arresting officer didn’t bother to show up and the proceeding was postponed until August 25th. More accurately, I don’t really have any friends. And Officer Donna Donovan was too stupid to find the right courtroom.
After Fallon dealt with my case, he tended to another client in a room across the hall, which is where we found Donovan wandering around, picking her ruminant nose and looking generally befuddled. She attempted to show Fallon an email an her phone, which proved that she’d been deceived into standing in the wrong room, for an entire hour. No matter that is was the wrong judge. And she wasn’t on the list. Buffalo Police cannot be expected to absorb every little detail of their surroundings.
After Fallon approached her about her “error,” she nonetheless went across the hall—eschewing any eye contact with me—to get her bit of paper signed. Cops get four hours on the clock, at time-and-a-half, for every court appearance. Just because she was too incompetent to make that appearance doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get paid.
So it was a big waste of time. Geoff Kelly, editor of the local alt-weekly Artvoice, showed up to report on my case. And I suspect there’ll be more media interest once we publish the mostly-recovered video. In a previous post, I speculated we’d have that done in a 48-hour period. That was a week ago. My bad. As it turns out, recovering deleted camera footage is a pain in the ass.
So far everything’s been recovered save for one crucial piece of footage. For reasons I don’t understand, the first half of my arrest

The pre-pretrial conference

[Read the first & second part of this ongoing saga]

I had questions going into Monday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference? Read More


The BEAST Page 3 Super-Congress

August 3rd, 2011 by


Name: Super Congress, AKA Super Committee.

Turn-ons: Super PACs, Super fund-raising, super-marginalizing non-super congress.

Turn-offs: Constitutional government, Medicare, Howard Fineman.

How we got to be the BEAST Page 3 Super Congress: The debt ceiling proved too heavy for a non-super congress to lift, so they called us into existence, thwarting the twin plagues of representative democracy and electoral accountability.

Future plans: Hammering out completely awful legislation that will ensure the ruination of America, which the mere mortal congress can’t amend, and must pass, lest even worse legislation be “triggered” by their petulance in the face of our supreme superness. Also, probably a lot of cackling and lighting of cigars with hundred-dollar bills.

How we want to be remembered: As 12 heroes who used their superpowers to unite the nation–in poverty, thereby defeating our arch-nemesis, the dreaded John Maynard Keynes and his army of welfare queens.
1 Comment

Atheist Group Sues Telephone Pole

August 2nd, 2011 by

“Looks like a cross,” say some

ROCHESTER, NY–The secular advocacy group North American Atheists has filed suit against a telephone pole on the grounds that it “violates the separation of church and state.” NAA President David Goldman says, “It looks a Christian cross and it’s on government property. Case closed.”

When asked why the atheist group decided to sue the pole itself rather than the telephone company or the state, he replied, “Grrrr! It will pay!” Read More


Manufactured National Nightmare Comes to End

August 1st, 2011 by

Moderate right-wing and extreme right-wing lawmakers reach historic compromise on thing that shouldn’t exist

Contrary to popular opinion, the debt-ceiling does not limit the amount the US government can borrow, it’s actually an arbitrarily set repayment cap on debts already incurred. Let that sink in for a second.

Nowhere but in our inept government would such a thing exist. In fact, it’s such a stupid idea that only one other country in the world has a debt-ceiling (Denmark) and they keep it artificially high, so they’ll never have to face the manufactured crisis we’ve just experienced, nor would their most malfeasant legislators ever have the opportunity to hijack Denmark’s economy. Read More


Murphy's Law II

July 31st, 2011 by

The weird and weak legal case against me, the worst daily paper in Buffalo, destruction of evidence by police, and the brutal irony of the American Surveillance State.

[UPDATE: My estimate below of 48-hours to recover the lost footage was wildly optimistic. The program's been running since 7/29, and it's processed 953 files out of 1049 total as of 8/2. Sorry for jumping the gun.-IM]

AS I TYPE THESE WORDS, The BEAST’s pro-bono by contract scientists, previously employed by the Army Security Agency (ASA) and the Intelligence and Security Command (INSCOM), are utilizing advanced forensic data techniques to recover our camera footage which was so ineptly and illegally erased by the Buffalo Police Department. Read More


Rage Face(book)

July 29th, 2011 by

BEAST banned by fascist social network

[UPDATE: We're allowed to post BEAST links on Facebook again because you, dear readers, complained so very much. Thank you!]

You can share some pretty great things on Facebook–family photos, your moods and activities, your affinity for eating shit in a sexual context, and your Holocaust denial. You can even share awesome websites with your closest Aryan brothers just by pasting the url into your status update! We live in a truly open virtual society where all points of view, no matter how dumb or morally repugnant, are freely expressed. Heil Facebook! Read More


Murphy's Law

July 27th, 2011 by

The true story of how I shot a cop and went to jail (and something about a dildo)

“They got me on some straight-up bullshit, son!” exclaimed the kid sitting next to me in the bullpen at the Erie County Holding Center. “What they get you on?”

“I shot a cop,” I growled, shooting him an icy stare. “And I’d do it again.”

“Son?!” His face froze in delighted dismay. “Real? That nigga dead?!”

“I really doubt it.”

“Jablaow!” he mimicked a gunshot, aiming his hand at the mucus-encrusted, blood-smeared brick wall. “What’d you use–a nine, forty-five…” Read More


  • Archives

  • Warning: require_once(all_images/config.php) [function.require-once]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28

    Fatal error: require_once() [function.require]: Failed opening required 'all_images/config.php' (include_path='.:/usr/local/php-5.3.29/share/pear') in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28