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About: Murphy

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http://buffalobeast.com/
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Posts by Murphy:


Machete: A Sharp Documentary

September 6th, 2010 by

BEAST Film Review

by Jan Brewer the movie reviewer

brewer2

Hello, my name is Jan Brewer…

… I’m the governor of Arizona. Ummmm…

I have seen a very disturbing film recently which the public needs to know about. And I need to yell at you about it without getting any follow-up questions from the media. Bunting told me I could do that on The BEAST for $20, and that’s why I’m posting my thoughts on this film here and not at an open press conference. Read More

5 Comments

Study: 70% of Republicans Can't Identify Self in Mirror

September 5th, 2010 by

CHICAGO (AB)–Researchers at the Institute of Incredibly Depressing Statistics (IIDS) have released a new and incredibly depressing statistic: 70% of republicans are unable to identify their own image in a mirror.

Study participants were asked to stand in a lineup, which included a houseplant, a cardboard cutout of Mel Torme, a bucket full of monkey spit and a large wheel of sharp cheddar cheese. IIDS scientists then presented the subjects with a wall-sized mirror and asked them to point at their own reflection. While 92% of registered democrats were easily able to point out their own reflection, a staggering majority of republicans and independents could not. Read More

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Police Tase Man For Resisting Taser

September 5th, 2010 by

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY (AB)–Dutchess County police commissioner Alfred Talbot is defending the Tasering of Jackson P. Whitesides, a 70 year-old Navy vet, by officers responding to a call about an accidental Tasering. “Whitesides was clearly distraught about accidentally Tasering himself,” says Talbot. “He was resisting the electric current coursing through his body, and our officers acted in an absolutely appropriate fashion. He had to be Tasered.” Read More

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Ted Talks

September 4th, 2010 by

IDEAS WORTH DREADING

(The unauthorized interview of Sharron Angle’s husband Ted)

BY IAN MURPHY


Ted-Talks-2


“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman [is] the man; and the head of Christ [is] God.”
- Corinthians 11:3 (The Bible) Read More

2 Comments

The 6 Kookiest Religious Beliefs

August 24th, 2010 by

It’s a list. You love lists!

BY IAN MURPHY

There’s no shortage of insane religious nonsense, and documenting it all could take a lifetime, so here’s a list of six relatively obscure and totally crazy beliefs, for your edutainment. Enjoy, Infidels! Read More

5 Comments

DEAD WRONG

August 22nd, 2010 by

A Belated Obituary of Christopher Hitchens

BY EDWARD CONE

HITCH-OBIT

Imagine a man whose heart and mind are of the purest magnolia-white nobility, a man whose devotion to his championed causes knows no limit. A man whose deft yet savage wit collapses the elaborate charades of his enemies. A man who in debate is feared by his opponents, revered by his admirers and reviled by his detractors. A man whose pen, described by some, perhaps inevitably, as acid-tipped, has felled with ease a coterie of smarmy bureaucrats, polished generals, lazy talking heads, fraudulent journalists, Henry Kissinger Read More

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The BEAST Page 3 Anchor Baby

August 18th, 2010 by

anchor baby

Name: Pancho Villalqaeda (aka The Brown Menace)

Turn-ons: Taking your job, not giving back to society, the 14th Amendment, giving Lou Dobbs leprosy, committing hit-and-runs in my El Camino, the Home Depot parking lot, ruining the sanctity of your marriage, confusing social issues and flan.

Turn-offs: Jan Brewer, Lindsey Graham, object permanence, white people in general, the rule of law, morality, decency, diaper rash, the American dream, a solid work ethic and white people. And their families. And their values. And anything they hold dear.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Anchor Baby: In a cunning attempt to game the system, my mother, she cross the border and drop me in the desert. I stay there for three weeks, drinking cactus milk. Then I grow mustache and steal job writing for la bestia.

Future Plans: To join al Qaeda’s first “ciesta cell.”

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As the infant who destroys America.

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Not Procrastinating: What Can YOU Do?

August 18th, 2010 by
BY THE ENDURING VISION

whatcanyoudo_procrastinating

Procrastination has long been the scourge of productivity, and with the rise of addictive social networking sites including the YouTube Store and the FaceSpace, most believe that it’s only going to get worse from here. But is there any way to stop it and give yourself the ability to constantly work all the time?

For the sake of your happiness, we certainly hope so. Give a few of the following tips a whirl and see how it goes: Read More

2 Comments

A Bridge to the Future

August 17th, 2010 by

A modest proposal to destroy faith

BY IAN MURPHY

bridge

I hereby propose, on this magnanimous day, the Importeenth of August, 2010, a practical solution to destroy religious belief in our time. For reasons which will soon be abundantly clear, some steps need to be taken before this very practical proposal can be fully elucidated. So, without delay:

Read More

3 Comments

Mormon Zombies (From Space!)

August 11th, 2010 by

Missionaries from planet Kolob invade earth to explain God’s bellybutton, eat brains


A DISPATCH FROM THE FRONTLINES OF THE CULTURE WAR

BY IAN MURPHY

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.

Sun Tzu, The Art of War

We should chain them up in your basement,” I offered. “You know, get all Gitmo on their asses— sensory deprivation, extremes in temperature, naked pyramids… That’s the only way to really get through to these things.Read More

9 Comments

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